Hey, lookin4answers,
I posted to you just I had to get ready to go to work. You said:
My daughter does this kind of a thing because of MY boundary issues. I know I have trouble with boundaries, my daughter knows this, since I have started to create them she will try see if I will be loose with my boundaries-it’s not because she is inherently inconsiderate-it’s because I’ve allowed it, more or less for so long!
She did this same thing today, just before I went to work. She knocked on my door an hour before I had to leave, stating she wanted me to take her to Walgreens, right that moment. I responded that I couldn’t take her and wanted to know what she needed. She stated she NEEDED eyelashes (she wears false eyelashes). I asked her what was wrong with the ones she had on and she said that they were all bent up (not as far I could tell). I told her they looked fine, and I needed to get ready to go to work and I would not be taking her to Walgreens. She huffed okay, and left the room.
So I start getting ready and 10 minuets later she comes in and says “Come on mom-I’ll be quick-it’ll only take five minuets!” I say it’s 10 minuets to get there and 10 minuets back-so that’s 20 minuets right there, plus the five you’re promising it will take you-25 minuets. She says “But you have almost an hour!” I and I let her know in that hour I have to finish getting ready, eat lunch, and let the dogs out. I do not have time to take her, and that I can’t drop everything because she needed help, and she needed to plan better. She said okay and within five minuets she was over it.
I have been working on this issue of her always wanting me to take her everywhere at the drop of a hat the moment she decides she just HAS to have this or that. I told her several weeks ago, I will take her to get toiletries once a week, so she needs to plan out in her head what she needs and what she will run out of within a week. I even run through the items she uses for her-your shampoo, your eyeliner, you razors, your eyelashes…If she does not plan it out well enough-I don’t take her. And I have to STICK to that. I set the expectation before hand, and remind her of the reasoning behind it, and most importantly stick to it. If I always remove every consequence (consequence being you don’t plan it out you don’t get it) how is she ever going to learn anything? She won’t have to think it through-because she knows mom will still run out and get it. If I don’t then she HAS to start thinking it through.
The same thing is happening with your son and you and his mom. Why would he not just hover and bug you guys-it works! Sounds pretty smart to me. Sometimes I tell my daughter, I said I will take you when I am ready-I don’t like to be pressured beforehand. If you ask me again before I’m ready I’m not taking you at all. And then I don’t take her if she asks again. Guess what-she doesn’t do that anymore, how nice for me. Life, for anyone, disability or not, is not always about being happy every moment of every day. If she gets mad-she gets mad. She’ll get over it. It’s only eyelashes for heaven’s sakes.
Oh, there are plenty of ways-who takes him to get his tobacco again? And why should you do nice things for someone who never does them in return when they are perfectly capable? Nothing to feel bad about-reciprocity is a basic rule of social interaction.
I have nothing but compassion for all three of you there.
I know a lot of people get freaked out about counseling-but especially when it comes to boundaries-this is major practical issue in your household-and very, ingrained, deep rooted patterns of interaction that go WAY back-and I doubt just showed up when your son got sick for your wife. Counseling just gives you tools to deal with life-think of it like a big old psychological Home Depot where all the tools are free.