I hate to pull the histrionics here. (Not that I would say what I am about to say is hysterical) but I would plan your sonās future based on several worst case scenarios, if youāll here me out.
You cannot depend on your other son to be his caretaker. He may be kind and he might be willing, but no one can predict the future. Whether or not he actually develops a close relationship with your other son will deeply impact how well he is taken care of AND despite the fact that they may have a strong relationship, stress can and does make SZ symptoms worse. Again, thinking worst case scenario, even though you havenāt seen or felt these levels of issues with him he may end up in hospital after you die. They symptoms of SZ are magnified in stressful situations and so to protect both of them and make the process as seemless as possible it would behoove you to set up a few things legally, with your sonās consent while involving your other child.
If he or your son has never experienced what putting him into hospital entails (information release documents, power of attorney, HIPPA laws, advanced directives, and estate planning ect.) These are all decisions and powers you take care of for now but someone must be appointed to later, in the event of your eventual death. Again, whether or not your son actually wants to take care of his brother is hit or miss.
I say this as someone who is the primary caretaker for my brother, I have and do miss major parts of my life and my lifeās development because of him. Itās not a nice thing to admit but I cannot and could not hold a relationship and his mental health issues while trying to be considerate and kind to another partner. Itās not just that other people have expectations of your time but that realistically, good relationships take time that caretaking without respite or help does not allow you to have. Ditto to moving out without having a college degree to my name.
Iāve slowly been chipping away at one for ages but realistically I have nothing to say Iāve gained from caretaking other than an above average understanding of legal procedures related to mental health and more gray hairs than I wanted to have at my age. Getting into therapy and focusing on myself and my interests for once has been liberating but it also means I am well aware of life choices I have given up (having kids, buying a large house, most likely getting married to anyone who wants kids.)
Not to say that this is always the case but, there is a certain amount of frigidity to people who vehemently not want kids that also means they donāt and wonāt interact well with my brother. If I were to analyze the choice, itās because they value freedom more than interpersonal development when it comes to something that is ālesserā than they are. I know this is my own generalizations but I have had to develop something of sixth sense for first impressions when dealing with my brother and other people. Stereotyping is not a good thing, but again, parts of my protective instincts toward my brother even though we are not close, also means I donāt have the energy to fight another personās sense of independence or need for care while attempting to care for my brother.
I care about my brother but the familial closeness we used to feel is largely blocked and been winnowed away thanks to his delusions. It is incredibly lonely for him in a way I cannot imagine and in some ways is like grieving a dead relative. The brother I grew up with is not the one I have now. Even then, his personal habits and other oddities are things I find more tolerable to accept at arms length than to mire myself down in his world. Thus, the difference I believe between empathy and compassion. Seeing his situation from afar gives me better mental resources and resilience to keep taking care of him.
How and why I ended up with the job is that my other siblings have kids. I am the youngest of the bunch and came home from college before the rest of them (as they had family medical problems of their own which meant they absolutely could not take care of my brother.) Our final resolution as a family has been that we will pay whatever fees are necessary to keep him with SSRI and SSDI benefits in an assisted living home. My parents have redirected the estate and some of their remaining retirement monies to my brother.
He hasnāt worked since he was a High Schooler and has never held down any form of self-employment either. In his worst states, he can and does react violently toward me and other family members so the risks to benefits of us performing direct care are essentially nil. He has hurt people badly while in psychosis and realize the risk and guilt he would feel about those actions (or that is to say, his lack of guilt because he will blame his psychosis, rightly and wrongly) means itās yet another thing which makes our relationship strained. I know itās not his fault, and yet I cannot risk killing myself just to protect my brother.
All of this being said, simply put, try and make sure your kids have a relationship. If not, plan whatever contingencies you need with a social worker and the local DSHS and police/ outreach team to get his affairs organized before you die. Who will pay for his medical care? Who is going to take him? Will or does your son have the mental and physical fortitude to care for his brother? Does he have career and life goals which are incompatible with caretaking? Does his job entail that caretaking would make BOTH of them essentially unemployable and therefore destitute? If for some reason your son cannot take care of his brother, Ex: He dies prematurely, gets severely injured, suffers a health condition that means he doesnāt have the physical or mental capacity to care for him, what will you do? What if he just doesnāt want to take care of him? period. This isnāt a nice list of possibilities to think about but it does happen. The likelihood of your son suffering abuse from his brother through apathy and bitterness, as cruel of an assumption as it is for me to make, may be a possibility otherwise. I do not think your other son feels this way or would act in this way but you really have to distance yourself as a parent to consider what he, and independent person, would or will feel about caretaking. It is an encroachment of responsibilities and routine changes that may not suite your mentally ill son as well, a sad reality to contend with.
To be oblique without being oblique, my siblings have children with severe health conditions unrelated to MI. What that means is that their children have severe health concerns that put them in the hospital several times a year minimum. By default, they cannot go on caretaking for their children and my brother. By default, I cannot continue to take care of my brother in any meaningful way until I have my credentials and a guarantee of income. It will be expensive to care for my brother as he ages even though many of his needs will be looked after by SSI and SSD and the equivalent of a disability pension account managed by myself and another trusted friend who is also an accountant and friends with another lawyer with experience as a guardian ad litem.
Sorry for the novel. All the best.