Does My Son Have The Right To Order Me Around?


I am so disappointed now. My son is still delusional, waiting for his check to come from the government for some important secret work, state that I do not even know who he is and am I a terrorist when I told him that he needed to do the ACT team in his discharge. He lives in the country and needs rides to get groceries and appointments with therapist etc. Everyone thought he needed the ACT team to help. My son who is 34 paranoid szh I have posted earlier. Everyone concerned wants him in a group home because he cannot take care of himself. I have enabled him by doing too much for him and since he won’t see his father (he states he is better about that) I can not take the responsibility for him totally anymore. Before this last hospitalization he was just laying still somewhere in his apartment all day never going out never seeing anyone. We all thought the ACT team would be ideal. Give him rides to store, he has no car, He was yelling at me over the phone said I was not involved in his treatment plan, I said but I am involved in your discharge plan. He stated I was just a car and had no say in anything. He keep saying it You are just a car. He also said if I could take time to give him car rides for photography or whatever then I could take time to give him a ride. Does he have the right to order me around? I love him so and want to work things out but he just won’t budge.


I don’t think he has the right to order you around. When my son first came to live with me 9 months ago I had a hard time distinguishing between behavior and symptoms. This may sound harsh but he only has whatever rights you want to give him. I insist on being treated with respect by my son. Even when he was inpatient and started swearing at me, I would tell him he couldn’t talk to me like that and that I would leave if it continued. He would stop. You are his mother not his cab driver. My son recently started with PACT which is the same as ACT. I’m happy they are on board now because we will have to start transitioning from me doing everything for/with my son and him either doing it on his own or with their help. It’s much easier to depend on mom who has no expectations then on someone or a team that will have some expectations of being treated a certain way. Kind of like a child who would rather the other babysitter that doesn’t make them go to bed on time. I wish I had better advise. I hope that ACT will be able to step in and do what is needed to help get him stable.


My son now will have two choices accept ACT for now at least or wait for a group home. I can only hold his apartment until 3-1-2014. I am not the rep payee anymore but I use what is left in his account to pay for his rent. I will have to pay some of his rent for March myself. March 1st I need to know if he is coming back or not so I can give notice to the land lady. From my point of view: I did not know about an ACT team. I thought there was nothing to help my son on a daily basis. If someone stops in to see him daily he will have to leave his thoughts in his head for awhile. I think it’s mean and irrespondsible on my part to allow the child I care deeply about have more to life than an curled up body indention hole left in his mattress. The mattress was brand new. He just stays in bed all day long never doing anything. He used to cook for himself. Now he lives on everything instant with as little dishes or mess that is possible. He buys throw away plates, silverware, cups. He throws the real silverware away because he does not want to wash it. He refuses to take the garbage out he had garbage piled up almost to the ceiling. Mice feces were all over his cooking area so thick. If ACT team comes in daily they will see how he lives and help him. He never listened to me. Most times I was not welcome in his apartment.


You have had a tough go of it. It’s unfortunate that services like ACT are not brought to caregivers attention a lot more then they are. I know that forced treatment is never a good option but support should be there regardless. He needs help whether he realizes it or not. I really hope that things start to turn around for you and your son soon.


Just got off the phone with his social worker. My son went to her and stated she was not to talk to me. He is very angry. I told her what I thought and felt and was dismayed that he had stated to me “You don’t know who I am?” He is clearly still delusional. I think he is still holding alot of things in. He has been told that he can have what ever he wants and decides. He also strongly stated there was nothing wrong with him and he was been held there because of the FBI. I will stay strong even though it breaks my heart. He is clearly not acting well enough for early discharge.


Hi. Does it help to know you are definitely not alone in the boat? My son displays very similar behaviors. He is in a different residential care facility now than he was previously. He decompensated due to attempts to change his meds by his doctor, and the first place decided he was not stable, and would not let him come back. Not happy about the new place, and will yell at me and order me about. I try my best to do only what I think is best, not necessarily what he demands be done. He wants to live with me, but I know it would not be good for anybody. He uses the fact that I don’t allow him to live with me as a way to try to make me feel guilty.

My son also will not cooperate with social services, and I have not been able to change that.


Well it will have to change if he wants to get out of the hospital soon. His apartment just seems to upset him. He has a delusion concerning his couch and chair. When he looks at it he must see something I do not. He states I ruined it by cleaning it. Yes it does help to hear I am not alone. Somewhere he changed his opinion of me, he used to think I was great and now he talks to me as if I am stupid and do not count.



You may find these past discussions and informational pages helpful in the area of setting boundaries: