Hi, Diane–It is my son’s dream to live in Colorado! I even recently told him that if/when he gets his life regulated (I did not mention illness), I would be willing to move there and establish residency so that he can eventually attend college on in-state tuition.
He has been living with his father for about 4 years because his aggression (ODD) became too difficult for me to handle. So that was my first experience of grief–an empty nest long before I expected it. And then the grief of seeing him gravely decompensate since last December or before… (I documented so much during the years and see that the beginnings of this go way, way back.) Yet, despite his emotional issues through the years, like your son he was so vital, athletic (baseball, lacrosse, snowboarding, etc.), likable, and smart.
As for playing X-box with him, I sometimes go over to his father’s just to hang out with him while he plays. Often he sleeps till 3, 4, 5 PM, so it’s hard to have consistent contact with him. I continually try, though–texting, calling, leaving messages. I always mention my love for him. I also try to get him out, suggesting we go for a walk, but he has only agreed once. I think on some level he is aware that something is very altered and wants to avoid being seen in public.
Regarding getting him into treatment, things are progressing, if slowly. He has to have a court-ordered mental-health evaluation (long story–I had to call the police when he was last here and became very strange and unnerving and refused to leave), which I hope will lead to court-mandated treatment. I was hoping for a full-scale in-patient evaluation, diagnosis, and treatment, but apparently here in New York State judges almost never mandate an in-patient facility.
On another subject, I noted that you may be losing your partner. In July I lost mine of two years due to this very issue. I was in a state of abject shock for a month because he cut off our relationship out of the blue, without any indicators whatsoever. So during the worst crisis of my life (my son), I lost my partner for life (we had made that commitment to one another). It was a terrible loss because I really love him and had expected to spend the rest of my life with him. We live in different states, and I was supposed to move there (Texas) once my son was in college. And that was so close…and then everything completely changed. But like in your life, my son comes first. And like Hope, I will forever “look” for him and be there for him. I also am taking your advice that though you cannot change your son’s journey, you can try to make him as comfortable as possible. I feel very bolstered by that. Thank you. Deborah
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