Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Input on letting my son live @ home again?


#1

What do you feel is better having your adult son/daughter live at home or in a Board and care? I just want some views on which you think is better and why? Also, input on with anybody having sz and how it has helped them by living at home w/parents. Well as you guys know my son has been in long-term care since May 5 ,2014 and still having problems 1 time a week with not feeling well like his brain just shuts down and goes into mini episode/anxiety mode for 4-6 hrs and I’m feeling like maybe I just need to try to take care of him @ home for awhile. I’m trying to decide and maybe if I here the pro’s and con’s it will help me make my decision…THank you


#2

honestly? this is gonna sound tough but he needs to learn to take care of himself. i think he should stay where he is but come and stay with you a couple of nights a week. that way he gets your support when he needs it but still has his independence too. if he moves back in he will revert into child mode and you will revert into care taker mode. it happens simply because he is your baby and you want what is best for him but being dependent on you isn’t best for him. having you available 24/7 is not going to teach him how to cope when you’re dead and gone. sorry but that’s the harsh reality he faces as does every child. he needs to rely on you less and psychiatric services more. if he stays a coule of nights a week he’s got the best of both worlds and you can rest easy knowing that you are there for your son at least some of the time and when he’s not with you he’s only a phone call away. that’s just my opinion. x


#3

I lived in a board & care home form 1990-95 from ages 30-35 years old. Not only did it not hurt me but I actually thrived there. For the five years I lived there I was only unemployed for a month and I was also attending school. I was going to 5 or 6 AA, CA, and NA meetings a week. I caught the buses everywhere. I made one friend there who accompanied me to meetings or we hung out and went to movies and AA functions.
Before I moved in I was staying with my dad and I liked that too. We used to take walks in the neighborhood and walk to the arcade to play Pac-Man. Sometimes we went out to eat.
But going back to the board & care.
I hate to say it but most of my fellow boarders were not interested in doing anything besides drinking and drugs and sitting on the patio drinking coke of coffee. Later on a few of them got jobs and i think deep down they ALL wanted jobs but were prevented from doing so by their drug use or their disease. There was a little violence there but not much. I happened to live in the best board & care home in San Jose,California. Paradoxically it was in one of the worst neighborhoods in the city. I don’t know what your son wants or you want, but I have lived with three of my family members since 1979 and I liked living with people who I knew well and thus wanted to spend time with me and socialize with me. It’s comforting living with family members. They’re more likely to overlook stuff that someone you live with but don’t really know would find annoying or offensive. Living in a board & care home might help your son learn a little about independence by being away from home. He also might make some friends there. My friend did not drink or do drugs and I believe I also inspired him to work and give college a try. It might be better for you to not have to take care of an adult child. You can still see him and help him if he lived in a board & care. Mingling with other people who have the same problems as him may be therapeutic. I know I can relax more around other people who have this disease because we can relate to each other and each others experience and we have more tolerance for each other. Anyway, these are just a couple of ideas that popped into my head, I’m not sure if I answered the main question but I hope this helps a little.


#4

If you put him in board and care he will have a reasonably stable environment to live in for the rest of his life. Also, he doesn’t have to stay in there for the rest of his life if he doesn’t want to. If he moves in with you, can you guarantee him stability over the long term? Will he eventually exhaust your resources? Maybe from board and care he can move into public housing, if he is ready. I live in an assisted living center for the mentally ill in Oklahoma. It’s not a resort, but life isn’t bad. I’ve been here for thirteen years, and now I am giving serious thought into moving into public housing.


#5

Here’s how it worked for my family. My older brother has bipolar disorder and lived with my parents rent free. I have schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder (depending on who you talk to) and when I returned home when my illness started my mother charged me rent. While I resented being treated differently, I’m now self supporting and own my own home. My brother lived with my parents for decades, and just recently started living on his own in a house they purchased for him. They still support him financially and I’m completely independent. Most people say she did me a favor.


#6

I live in an a assisted living facility in Florida for the last 5 years. Before that, I lived on my own Àctually decomposed rapidly over the period of about2-3 yrs. Before that of was engaged for 14 yrs with a child.When I was on my own, I only took my pills when I darn well pleased, and I would save them to take all at once, for the time that would inevitably would come when I did not want to live anymore. When I moved away from my daughter, I thought my life was over. Finally, after numerous hospitalizations I was deemed a danger to myself and sent to the state hospital for over a y ear, that is how I found myselfor in an assisted living facility.
In the last 5 years (more than that now ) I have had the same boyfriend, we go out to eat, we go shopping, he helds me because I am also physically disabled, and I could not love this man more. We love each other.my mom lives an hour away, I have seen her once in 5 years.
coming to this facility was the best thing that could havery happened to me, I honestly believe I would be dead now if something did not change for me. Eventually I would like to live on my own, but it is a long way down the road.
I think in your heart you know what is best, but it is hard to turn your son away.


#7

How old is your son?


#8

Would you eventually resent your son if you weren’t able to have a life of your own because he hadn’t improved?
Being indepentant is the foundation of happiness.


#9

I think what @jaynebeal said was right on the mark!
Having him stay with you a few days a week will help you decide what is best for both of you.My son and I did this a few times, but after awhile, he wanted to live his way and that didn`t work out.
Give it a shot-see how it goes… **


#10

That’s a tough question that I’m trying to muddle through as well. Currently my son is living with me however it doesn’t seem to be helping him in some ways. My goal is to have him move out into a group home type setting. I know that it’s not ideal and there will be things about it that neither one of use will like. I can be there for him 24/7 but I can’t help him to learn to take responsibility for his own life or even his schizophrenia when the relationship that we have actually hinders him from being responsible. In his eyes I’m mom so I should… fill in the blank to whatever he wants/needs. If he is in a shelter/group home setting he doesn’t seem to have any problem or issue with following basic scheduling rules like getting up, eating at regular times, taking medications as prescribed and even going to bed at a sensible time. But at home it’s a different story. It’s a fairly regular discussion that he doesn’t want me taking the correct amount of money from his disability that is supposed to go to me for supporting him.

The stress of being constant caregiver, therapist, pdoc, nurse… can be hard yet it can also be totally worth it. Good luck!