I’m sorry your boyfriend made you feel that bad. I wish you could find a way not to take that personally. I’m not a doctor, but just by my personal experience, it does sound like he is having a hard time with a delusion.
I’m not trying to be dismissive by saying that. It sounds like he’s falling away a little deeper. It seems like his poor mind is going through a lot right now and he’s not having an easy time keeping his center.
Now is the time to get some time off for you so you can be strong and when he slips a little further, you will need the strength to help him.
Having time off from the chaos and worry is important to keeping yourself in tact.
I’m sorry your the closest. He most likely is lashing out due to that.
I was wondering if you have had a chance to look up the other information this site has to offer.
Hopefully the more you can read up on Sz the more you can separate the actions caused by this illness, and the man you love. Hopefully, the more you know, it will get slightly easier to stay strong. Knowing what my brother was going through helped me as well.
There is also a good downloadable book from Amazon -
The more you know, the more you can help, and the more you can avoid being hurt.
Thank you so much for writing. It helps to hear from others.
Yes I’ve looked at those linked. Actually I have the print version of that book:) I also studied Psychology in college. But reading about and actually experiencing Sz is completely different. They just don’t describe well enough the immense pain it causes to watch someone you love suffer with it and to be their target for delusions. Nor does written literature do justice in explaining delusions and unusual beliefs. Nor does it explain well the irrational logic sometimes shown. For example: recently he told me that he lied to me about something. Naturally I felt hurt by this behavior and told him. Then he got angry and said I wasn’t a good person because I felt hurt. Completely irrational. I’ve heard other irrational logic like this before from him. Nor does anything explain how devastating it is to be the target for delusions, to be accused of the most irrational and illogical things. No, nothing explains just exactly how devastating this disease is.
Plus I’m disposable to him. I’m not blood family, so for some reason that automatically makes me less important. It does not matter that I’ve done more for him and loved him more than his own family has. I have the no blood family disadvantage. I’m starting to think that the majority of people in the world have not experienced real true love for another person, because you cannot walk away from, forget or stop loving the other person. Real true love is enduring. That’s what I have for him, so I don’t understand why I’m considered as less important than blood family. It’s society as a whole that devalues the partner and continues to teach that we are less important, disposable. So many people tell me to walk away from him and that seems completely inhuman to me. I know you weren’t suggesting this but a lot of people have to me. So not only do I have to cope with his behavior from the disease and the pain it causes me, but also other people’s negative and insensitive comments.
I fully realize it is the disease causing this behavior from him and the absolutely hateful things he says. But that doesn’t lessen the pain from it. I really don’t know how other people put a wall up against those things, especially if society deems you as disposable and unimportant. I am terrified of losing him forever. This man is everything to me and I truly love him. How many people would willingly sacrifice their own life for the one they love? If he needed an organ transplant to live, I would willingly give him mine. If someone tried to shoot him, I’d willingly throw myself in front of him to save him. I love him that much, that his life is more important than my own. Most people do not understand this, nor ever experience this love. Before I met him, I’d only experienced the kind of love that most people do. Sure I would have done a lot for those but not sacrifice my own life. The day I met him, I knew he was the only one in the world for me. We felt like we had known each other forever. He described the same thing. We were inseparable. We were like this until the day his psychosis started and life became hell. People doubt his love for me because of his behavior now but I know he didn’t stop loving me in one day. I know that part of him is still in there. But I am terrified that it will be buried forever.
He denies that he is sick and tells me that I’m the one who needs a doctor. While I readily admit I do need a doctor for the severe depression I’m going through, he does not. Yet he complains of all these symptoms that he should see a doctor for, but he refuses and says he’s fine. Of course he doesn’t see the delusions as delusions. Nor does he see the irrational logic that he sometimes has. It’s so sadly frustrating. I keep telling him that a doctor can make those symptoms go away or at least lessen them, that it would improve the quality of his life. But he always comes back with he’s fine and I need the doctor. Sigh…
So I guess my biggest issues are getting my heart and brain to cooperate in helping me cope, and his refusal to get a doctor’s help.
I’m sorry for such a long response and for getting off topic. I do so appreciate your support and help.
Best wishes to you and thanks.
stay strong! **