I’m not really sure how to start this. I feel like no matter what I write, it doesn’t quite encompass how troubled I feel about this. Sorry if my words are all over the place.
My boyfriend had a breakdown at the end of August. To cut out all of the gorey deails, I suspected it was schizophrenia and it seems like his psychiatrist agrees…he was taken off adderall and put on seroquel. I should note that I don’t think it was solely stimulant related psychosis, as he has a long history of paranoia.
So between september to now, my boyfriend has accused me of being a transgendered female, (he actually got me pregnant around this time and accused me of doing it intentionally to torture him with an abortion. That hurt.) a secret agent sent to spy on him, a reality show host, an android, a cheating whore. The usual stuff. He gets this false information from social media or movies. He refers to them as channelings. He also thought the person that introduced us (an ex mutual friend) and I were the same person at one point.
I’ve accepted that he is not at fault for hurting me, mainly because he has to literally live through perceiving all of these things to be true.
I guess the main issue now is: How do I stop feeling so self conscious?
I spend the majority of my time worrying/anxious about if he’s drawing parallels from anything and everything I say. I have so much anxiety that I had a psychotic episode where I believed he believed I was a government agent lol, and he was actually fine during that time. Fear is contagious.
I worry if I look manly, if I hold my phone the wrong way he’ll think I’m recording him, if I say something in a tone that sets off his suspicion, if I look at him in a way that makes him uncomfortable.
It’s hard to be myself around him, and I’ve found that it’s made me incredibly doubtful of myself as a person. It’s as if his off and on identity crisis is causing me to have one as well.
So what do I do? How do I make him feel more comfortable? I know there is no single “right” piece of advice. But how do I become a better listener? It took me up until recently to stop losing my shit when he accuses me of asinine things. Which is unfortunate because my negative reactions only garnered more suspicion. So I’ve learned to keep calm and hear him out as much as I can. But how do I make him feel more comfortable? What is a decent response to personal accusations that isn’t hostile or dismissive?
God I’m so sorry that this is so long. I’d be surprised if anyone reads this…let alone replies to it. It honestly feels relieving to write even a bit of this, seeing as I have nobody to confide in at the moment.
TL;DR: I can discuss my boyfriend’s beliefs all day, but how do I respond when they’re about me? How can I be a better listener? Is there any tips for comforting someones delusions when they’re about you?