I remember when I was working as an Instructional Aid for the severely handicapped…long before I met my husband and even had children…that the Doctor/Administrators/Teachers would remind each other (and us underlings) that the parents were in various stages of grief. We were to remember this when interacting with them. That each phase is important to move through, and that people jump back and forth through the various stages. Also, that the parents are seldom at the same place at the same time.
I saw this.
Now, I live it.
Husband really didn’t seem to grasp my concern about our son. Now…I’ve come to terms to a degree. I bounced back and forth through each emotional knee jerk…and sometimes actually recognize what I am feeling at the moment.
He is just now talking about these things, his awareness as the challenges for son. It saddens him deeply, almost to the point of finding it difficult to listen to.
I asked him if it was too much to talk about? Did he want me to not refer to the heavier aspects of this condition?
To my surprise he said no…he needed to know and appreciated the extra information.
He’s really quite clever, and can relate to so many of the things that our son is going through. (He has scz type dx, our son is Early Onset Childhood Scz).
What have other families/parents/caregivers experienced in relation to the stages of grief?
What methods worked as far as communication between parents? Doctors?
Are there periods of time where one parent has found themselves working solo?
What methods have you found success with in order to keep your marriage/relationship strong?
How do you keep the “fun” between you both?
How do you keep scz from being the main focus of your life?
And…what do you do when the other person isn’t able to “talk about” the heavy things?
Well for one thing, I come here. I get information and I try to be good to myself. My husband said he doesn’t want to read about it or talk about it 24/7, he lives it. So I only occasionally ask him what advice he would have for this or that without daily bringing it up. We do grieve differently and at different times.
We laugh at ourselves at lot and use humor.
My husband and I intentionally plan fun activities away from the house. Also we plan together and decide together how to deal with our daughter. I talk with friends and family about what is really going on to get support. And my husband and I try to be good to each other, support each other and have each other’s backs.
I am finding there are no easy answers to any of this. My husband reacts very differently to all of this than I do. I am very emotional and he is very logic based yet his temper gets the best of him where mine doesn’t. I roll through the stages rapid fire like a machine gun on an almost daily basis. It doesn’t help that our life doesn’t allow me much time to process before the next crisis disrupts everything all over again. We haven’t had a stable period long than 6 days in three years. Grief? Don’t have time for it except at the end of the day when I collapse or in the beginning when I dread whatever pain and hardships the new day will bring. There are brief moments of joy and peace but they are fleeting at best. Maybe when she is an adult that will change.
We have learned we need to respect that we are both coping differently and thus need to ask permission before bringing up sensitive topics. Being mindful of the other person’s perspective/pain/stress/schedule. Planning time for discussions and dates. Learning to share the load and ask for help in ways I have never done before. Realizing and accepting a new hierarchy of needs - Libby comes first now, our son second, my job third, me fourth, and sadly husband last (mainly because is only here 4-8 days a month). Realizing I am a single mother through all of this and there’s nothing that can be done to change that right now. We have had to change a lot of expectations and put some very real dreams on hold. I have to respect when he has had enough but he has had to learn how to communicate that to me without an explosion of anger. Theres probably a ton more but I am 9ff to the vet then the groomer. We have puppies that need to be sold.
Sometimes, I sit and scroll through collections of nature pictures. No one knows that I do this…nor do they really care to know. Son is in a quiet period right now, which is good. Still, he doesn’t notice or care.
Sometimes, I just look at pretty pictures until I am done crying.
My little moment of insanity.
Serves no purpose but to clear my mind…and replace thoughts temporarily.
It’s a little break I suppose.
I’d love to see your puppies.
Wish I could do more…
just know we are here.
We’ll listen…care, and understand.
Thanks for the info too…you are far more logical than you give yourself credit for!
Thanks for the ideas. My husband watches all the Arial America programs. They fly all over each state and tell you amazing facts about that particular place. We watch these and any good movies we can find. Just saw “the big fish”. It’s been out awhile but enjoyed it again.
