Welcome to the site, we all understand difficult times. Thank you for posting. Keep in touch with us, hopefully there will be some relief soon. Your wife is lucky to have you, take care AnnieNorCal
How am I doing?
Well, I’m up most nights, my dreams of my son are haunting and miserable. Most of the time I dream of him doing something really manic, that’s why I’m up now. I guess if you know my story it is understandable. He always has these black steely eyes in my dreams, with a very blank look.
Having my chamomile tea, AnnieNorCal
Edit: I have to get out my feelings here, it’s just too emotional for my family. Thanks for listening.
Hi annienorcal sounds like nightmares your having good their not real, enjoy your tea😄
I have recently had a run of dreams about my son as well - they are different than past dreams because he is psychotic in my dreams now. Before he wasn’t psychotic in my dreams and it was nice. But lately, my dreams are like when he last lived here.
Hi hope so it sounds like your missing your son how he used to be,i have the same dreams I have sometimes I think our dreams will come true , hang in there ,our dreams will come true !️
I love the dreams where my son is his old self, they really do make me happy. I hope our dreams do come true:)
Yes they will! Never give up hope ,our good dreams will come. True !
I had a dream my sons eyes were black I don’t know if that means he’s trying to communicate with me?
I’ve withdrawn my post. Was feeling really down about everything! I know you all can relate.
Have a great day! AnnieNorCal
We do understand, @AnnieNorCal. There is no question that you love your son and have done what you can to help him. We can’t solve everything, and we have to take care of ourselves in order to help our loved ones when the right time comes. Sometimes what we do to help is to help others going through this same journey. And you have done that in sharing your story and your feelings.
It was wonderful, thank you!! The grandkids are the children of my paranoid sz son, so they had a nice break too. Got a bit of sun, fresh air and exercise.
I have a girlfriend who lets me sleep at her place when I need a break. I do just disappear… it helps me stay on sort of an even keel.
Really down, just expressed my feelings to my oldest daughter. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. AnnieNorCal
Edit: I’m so sad, it’s not right to feel this way
It’s important to have someone to share with. Please don’t keep your feelings bottled up. Just like this illness, we have ups and downs. Often more downs than we ever dreamed possible. I went to a NAMI Support group meeting tonight. That is one place I can share and get real advice or encouragement when I need it. It is also OK to get counseling for yourself. Mental illnesses are traumatic events. I also suggest physical exercise. Getting outside is good for a lot of people. I think I’ll sit on the deck with a cup of coffee for a bit in the a.m. I have not done that all summer. I forget that there is beauty around me and I can enjoy some time for myself. We are going hiking this weekend with our healthy daughter before going to see our son with this terrible disorder. Otherwise, I am not very focused and don’t get as much done as I would like to. But I try to give myself grace.
Of course it is totally right to feel so sad… if you didn’t feel so sad, it would be unusual. This is a terrible time for you. You need an outlet for your struggle and your grief. I am glad that you are posting here. Your posts help me (and others, I’m sure).
Try to remember though, that your son is innocent until proven guilty. The evidence must be presented, the trial MUST happen if the DA found a probability that the crime(s) occurred. However, if your son has a good attorney, and you say he does, the fight is only beginning. I don’t believe there is any way for the judge NOT to continue with the trial if the DA charged your son… I don’t know if the mental hospital or a trial is “better” for your son, but you cannot control this either way, so you must just trust that the outcome will be proper. He could be found not guilty, or the charges reduced, or the sentences waived… no one can predict the outcome, but we can hope it will be as good as it can be.
Your story helped me to realize that my own situation, which had me hopeless tonight, before catching up on this thread, is easier to solve and easier to take than your own situation. I almost erased this paragraph, it feels wrong to say that to you. It doesn’t help you for me to say that, but… I was able to change my view of my own situation (the glass is half full, rather than half empty).
My alcoholic husband was recently released from jail after arrest for assault on a policeman. Yes, the crime occurred, but the circumstances did not warrant prosecution per the DA. He was lucky, and was released. He’s now been sober for 4 weeks for the first time in 10 years voluntarily. The jail stint detoxed him for 3 weeks, and after facing a possible prison sentence for things he did while very drunk, he says he is done with alcohol. My schz daughter actually came out of her room and TALKED to me tonight. That never happens… It has been over 7 months since she walked into my living room to start a communication. I feel happy amidst the emotional turmoil in my life.
I too feel sad for your son, and for you and your family. I hope and pray the outcome will be as best as it can be. Try to sleep, eat and take care of yourself.
Th8an you, appreciate the thoughts. AnnieNorCal
Thanks again for creating this thread!
Last time felt good to answer, so I’ll give it another shot.
Again, no need to read my babbling if you don’t want to. This post is only part of the exercise for me.
Another good day!
I have much to be grateful for, despite all the things I could be upset about.
I will focus on the positive, because that’s where more good comes from.
Today my brother rescued me. It’s not a very rare thing, in fact. I was waiting for a rental agency to deliver a car to me, but they got mixed up and forgot about me. Luckily, my brother had already finished with his group therapy and was feeling well enough to come pick me up.
We spent some time hanging out at his place before I invited him to my apartment for dinner. It was really great!
He has stopped smoking weed for the past few days and is using some distraction / delay tactics to avoid going out to buy more. Big win right there, even if he struggles with it in the future.
He said he has decided to commit 100% effort into group therapy, trusting his meds and his doctors and is thinking about doing vocational rehabilitation.
He had his true personality today.
Being able to spend time with the brother I always think of when I think about him was amazing!
Just a couple of weeks of his honest effort and an effective treatment plan and it’s looking like having his life back is a real option.
Now, I realize that his disorder will persist for the rest of his life. That he will inevitably have paranoia, social anxiety, delusions and hallucinations. I made sure to take the time to talk to him about it a little today. I underlined the fact that it won’t be like it was in the past: that our family has gotten better at being the kind of support he needs. That he has a whole army of people who are capable, ready and willing to do whatever he needs us to do. That his honest communication is the corner stone of our support. When he starts feeling like the meds and the treatment plan aren’t doing enough, or have stopped being effective, we will know what to do. That he isn’t teetering on the brink of involuntary commitment, he has new tools at his disposal and his support system is better prepared to help.
He seemed uncomfortable with the thought that he could have another episode like the last one, but reassured that what I was saying will be true.
We talked about work. Seems like he took a line right out of my book: “If I’m not going to love work, no matter who I work for, I may as well chase the paycheck.” Meaning his skills and intelligence don’t preclude him to any one role, he would get along with all the same aggrivations and struggle anywhere. It’s just a matter of finding out what doesn’t seem too boring or frustrating and commiting to it.
This is all very hopeful stuff.
It’s important that nobody become too invested in that hope, though. SzA can mean sudden, shocking changes in matters like this.
I will be ready. I will know what to do. If he never needs rescuing from SzA again, I will simply have been prepared at all times.
But, I love my brother. Having conversations with him, sharing stories we lived through together with my girlfriend and having dinner together again was an incredible experience. I am so grateful for the good things that a solid group therapy and set of doctors can provide.
I will remember this day in particular because it is a result of my brother’s own tenacity and determination.
Thank God for making him so resillient! Thank God for another day with my brother! Thank God for giving me the tools I needed to have this experience today!
Not sure you’ll read this, bro. But just in case:
You aren’t some fragile tea cup. You are valuable and worthy of respect and admiration! Keep believing in your own strength and putting your efforts into what works for you.
I am proud of you. I am in awe!
Love ya, dude!
And thank YOU for posting this. I think sometimes it becomes so difficult to find the positive, but for us it can be found in just the little things. Love and support, without judgement and expectations, can help not only our loved ones, but ourselves as well.
Your love for your brother is truly amazing - and so are you.
I went out to happy hour with work friends yesterday! My son was invited over for dinner by a family friend, and he walked over.
Today, my son told me he is interested in going to see a holistic dentist. I am very happy about this. Very happy.