Two months (unfair? & unrealistic?) goals! Please Please advice me


Hi, I need your advice please. I am sorry, I apologize in advance if you’ll find some of what I share with you here repeated from various posts of mine but I need to write you a brief background if you can kindly give me few minutes of your time.

My questions: One month has passed now since my visit (last time in April also duration of 6 weeks visit)… I still do not have sufficient time to talk to my afflicted sister much because the moment I speak, she leaves to her room & locks it. One of the pressing issues now that I need your advice on is that I have only December and maybe January for my visit and my CBT therapist told me not to tell her what I really want and the purpose of my visit “I’m visiting you to help you get out from this place and I will help you in every way I can and try to give you a better livable situation in my home”. He only told me to tell her “how are you” daily & “I love you” & “lets go for a walk outside” etc until I regain her trust etc… but how would I know I have her trust as she refuses to even communicate with me in any way, e.g. writing response in a note or anything if she can’t speak… he told me that it has to be everyday for 3 months, but then what? If the 3 months finish and she doesn’t communicate back to me in anyway then I can live guilt-free that I’ve done my part & tried? Because I’ve been visiting her every year for the past 6 years because I was able to and had the means but maybe in 2019 I might reallocate somewhere far where I cannot visit for the 1st few years… I wish I can tell her the truth of my desire to take her with me, can I say that? Because the therapist knows I told her this last year and she kept laughing at me and just going back to locking herself in room…

Brief background: My afflicted diagnosed unmedicated sister went through a lot of stress & oppression from those who didn’t understand her illness (I was away in another country where I live with my husband). I feel that for me it’s obvious that her illness got worse because of those who didn’t understand her but they just didn’t understand her illness but she lives with them and she isolated from them then started to isolate from everyone else (not going out of house/room). Another problem is that she doesn’t speak and only locks herself in her room in which she doesn’t have phone/mobile/tv nor anything to connect her with the outside world (refuses the mobile phones I tried to give her) so I wouldn’t even know if she wants to speak up her mind and evaluate traveling/moving with me. She only eats, she’s keeping herself clean and is under a roof with family but I don’t see any other positives from her current living situation.


I think it’s possible that the current situation works for your sister in her unmedicated condition. She is fed, clothed, and has her own room.


I think that Hope has a good point. At the present time, your sister is safe, fed and likes her room as she feels safe there and goes back there of her own free will. I don’t think you should feel badly if you can’t change her behavior.


@hope @oldladyblue I really wish it was that simple but there are verbally & emotionally abusive members of the family who never learn that stress isn’t good for anyone, let alone my afflicted sister ! I always grew up giving them the benefit of the doubt, and forgiving and forgetting (suppress) then I visit them, then I am reminded again, now I realize the consequences of it all on everyone…


Sigh. So hard on you. Do you think your sister is competent mentally to make any life changing decisions?


I have no idea anymore…


I would keep trying to reach out to her. Stay in touch with her whenever you can. Who knows, may be she will open up to you again. She is definitely not living a healthy life … not communicating with anyone!!. She seems to be very depressed and needs help but also may have resentments toward others as she is not treated well by others. she is may harboring negative thoughts and may get suicidal at some point.

if does not say anything or talk, it does not mean that she ok!
She does need help!


Its so hard, we always want better for them, and its so hard to achieve it when they won’t let us help.


If your sister isn’t communicative at all, doesn’t leave her room, won’t let you speak your ideas, won’t answer your notes to her, won’t participate in her own care, and it’s been like that for years, I would say that even with 3 months of “I love you’s” to her, she is unlikely to change her behavior to what you expect. Are you willing to force her out of the place she lives in now to move in with you? It sounds like that might be your only option, as she is not able to communicate or choose for herself. You could become her guardian, and then take her to live with you.

Otherwise, I would say that when your time comes to go, that you did the best you could, and you must leave her in her current situation. At least she has a place to live and food.

One attorney I know has a SMI brother who had been on his own for years in a home purchased for him by their mother before she died. The siblings of the ill brother used to come visit and try to care for him, but he didn’t want that. Finally, they just left him alone. Eventually, he left the home and disappeared despite having nowhere to go. It is a sad story, but the brother just refused help most of his ill life. No one could reach him, he was never medicated. Sometimes, even one’s best isn’t enough to reach the mind of the ill.

It is very hard, but you might have to steel yourself to let her go on the way she is, unless you want to become her guardian.


@oldladyblue the unfortunate possibility of my unmedicated sister running and disappearing with nothing and nowhere to go after I take her with me did cross my mind, she did it 8 years ago but she had more insight and resources and it worked out well for her at that time but with her situation now, I don’t want to imagine how it would turn out…


It is so very hard to try to predict which handling is the best to choose for our loved ones.