Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

What alternatives are there when


#1

Hello,

I have a schizo diagnosed brother but his diagnosis was close to 30 years ago. He had his “break” when he was away from college and the only thing I was ever able to find out over time because my parents prefer to act like it never happened and there’s nothing wrong with my brother. I am 47 and he is 50. He still lives at home, has never left, has no driver’s license has never done anything for himself although he is extremely high functioning and has held one job his entire life due to my mother spoiling him like a child. My parents at the very beginning were quite happy to allow him to walk away from his mandatory/needed psychiatric treatment including refusing family counseling so the three of them could pretend there’s nothing wrong with him. This has continued for 30 years and still going. This has caused a permanent rift between my parents and I because I told my mother Gary needs to do his crap for himself and I am unwilling to become another of his hebrew slaves like they are and I’m not tolerating him being a pervert to me (he intentionally walks in his jockey shorts in front of me and my mom launders the shredded pajamas he wears and gives them back to him to continue wearing instead of confiscating him and sending him to the mall to go shopping) and also having been permitted w/o punishment to physically attack me repeatedly over the years. I got fed up with this and told my parents until they put a stop to his crap I wanted nothing to do with them and this has been going on for 9 years and counting.

My parents are in their lower and middle 80s and all three of them still live in the family house. My brother has never thought outside himself his entire life. He doesn’t run any errands for himself i.e. never has gone to a mall all alone to do whatever shopping he might need as my parents from the standpoint of a son being golden (in Gary’s case think urine not the precious metal) so I know that when he has no one left to do everything for him it will be a mess I don’t want. (Prefer to have him wind up successfully committing suicide so I don’t ever have to deal with or take care of him). Gary has been allowed without consequence to be violent and be a pervert to me so I broke off relations with my parents since I cannot go to visit them without being subjected to having to be around him because he lives there. I would want a relationship with my parents and to help them in their elder years but under no circumstance will I participate in helping them while he lives in their house. I’d have no problem running their errands (i.e. food shopping) but with him living home that means he gets to benefit both from not having to get off his butt and figuring how to go shopping and benefit by eating.

I live in the USA in New Jersey and don’t know how to navigate the social services system. I would love to understand how it works because I’d love to figure out a way to get him legally kicked out of the house to the curb (where ever he winds up I don’t care). I don’t understand the system and how to make it work for me the way I want it and need it. I also need to know what happens to a person that is as mentally ill as my brother is but is still legally considered sane, and is legally functional to the extent that he cannot be legally declared incompetent but is truly not realistically functionally able to properly live alone? What happens in cases like that and what can I put in motion to “get rid of” Gary…My preference is to get him isolated out of the family so he cannot be a problem and curse to anyone except himself kind of like having him move to the South Pole.

What alternatives do I have? I want to help my parents but not with him living in the family house where I am forced to have to accept being around. Before you jump down my throat about the suicide comment - understand the mindset my family has - death and taxes are not an option for anyone. Our family accepts that everyone will die eventually. That being the taught mindset from my own parents I am comfortable (and yes, happy) if he goes over the deep end and offs himself even if my only option is to gaslight him.

Any suggestions or information is appreciated.

Thank you.


#2

I don’t have an answer to you. But why don’t you report the abuse to the police? Noone is allowed to beat you up no matter how ill they are.


#3

There are group homes for ppl that cannot manage by them selves. Maybe something to look at?

I feel you have a lot of anger towards your brother. Have you thought of a therapist you can talk to? Anger and hate will consume you and take the joy out of your life. You need to talk to someone about your feelings and anger. It’s okay to be angry but you can’t let it take over your life.

I know how it is to be in a disfunctional family. I was physically and mentally abused by my father for 15 years. We have no contact today. I was very angry with him, today I have not forgiven him, but I have moved on.


#4

well if he is not hurting your parents I really don’t think social services can help…He is still in the home because they want him there…


#5

My brother is bipolar with psychotic features. All through my childhood he has beat, strangled and abused me. My parents let him get away with it especially when he got older because they can’t control him. A doctor once told my mom if my brother became too much to handle during one of his “fits” then put him in the hospital when he is a danger to people. My brother still lives at home with my parents. But unlike your brother he does do some things for himself like running his own errands, and paying half the rent and sometimes he buys food. I just don’t visit my parents since whenever my brother and i are in the same house we fight. If your parents put up with it then it’s their choice, my parents put up with my brother’s abuse despite being told they can do something about it.


#6

Your situation sounds awful and I’m very sorry you have had to put up with so much hurt from your brother and also your parents. I think your parents did what they thought was best for him. There isn’t much you can do while your parents are alive. After they pass away your brother will probably do best in a group home. It doesn’t sound like he will ever be able to live independently. I’m so sorry I can’t give you more helpful information. Truly, you have been through a lot as all siblings of the mentally ill. My other daughters resented the time I spent with my mentally ill daughter, however they have their own families now and completely understand why I did what I did but then my daughter is now living independently. Years ago mothers were blamed for a person with schizophrenia and perhaps that is why your mother and father have your brother still living with them. Maybe they feel a lot of guilt.