This is an important question that you raise. In some jail systems, there is help, in others, there is not. I wish I could give you specific advice but I am not especially knowledgeable in that area…I hope others will post. If you don’t get responses here, look elsewhere on this site or start a new post with this specific topic. This is a very common scenario. A good place to start is with a NAMI Family Support Group in your state. And here is information on the NAMI (national) website. Handling the Arrest of a Family Member | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness
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Thank you for this information!
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@feelingalone I can’t offer advice because I’ve not been in a similar situation but I just wanted to say it was wrong of your husband to keep that information away from you! You were entirely in the right to leave - you and your baby come first and I hope nothing but the best for the both of you. Stay strong!
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Fact. Most. There. Is. Not.
Prisons are not recovery systems of any sort.
For people with drug addiction or MI.
If incarcerated for any actions pertaining to getting more drugs because of addiction, prison is a good place for drugs to be readily available. Any mental illness not diagnosed or treated caused behaviors resulting in prison, expect a drug addict with a MI and trauma when they get out. If they do.
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Jails should NOT be the place where SMI is treated. However, in this country it often is (until more people like us get involved to advocate for change). This quote below is from the NAMI website (link above). This is what I was referring to (but best to read the entire article for those who really want to learn more about their options in such a situation):
"…Find out if there is a jail diversion program, mental health court or other program to help defendants with mental illness in your community.
Remember that the public defender works for your family member, not you. You can ask your loved one to sign a release that allows the attorney to share information with you. However, he may refuse and there’s little the attorney can do.
You can also hire a private defense attorney who has experience working with clients with mental illness."
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@hope4us thank you for the suggestion. I’ve connected with my local NAMI and it has helped me so much.
Thank you everyone for the comments it has truly helped me feel less alone.
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Hello dear @Feelingalone ,
I find myself, in a very much similar situation.
We have been together for a bit over a year and I am about to give birth to our (my first) child. Unfortunately the past few months have been utter hell for us as my boyfriend has gone into what I know now to be another psychotic episode.
His delusions are mostly centered around me, cheating, infidelity etc. and are grossly sexual in nature. I know that he has been prescribed antipsychotics in the past but he is currently denying any help or medical involvement. Also since I am somehow the center of his paranoia he does not exactly trust me or my judgment, me begging him to go get help from a doctor. Hence the situation is spiraling out of control very quickly and yes I feel your pain to the utter uselessness of the system here in US regarding mental illness. There really is not much that can be done, and court help is very difficult to obtain.
I am now faced with a similar decision to cut all ties for the sake of my baby and me, or try to help him and care for him and his illness in hopes that we can restore some state of normalcy in our day to day life and find a happy outcome. I came to this forum originally to seek some hope, while understanding what I am signing up for if I stay. It is definitely not going to be an easy journey or an easy life, but maybe it can be made worth it. I have tremendous guilt abandoning him in this condition, and after everything I still love and care about his wellbeing. I have come to refuse to be mad at him or his condition because I now understand that he is not fully in control of his actions, and it breaks my heart. He has no one else to turn to, and I’m afraid he will end up on the street soon. It also kills me that he will not be able to be there for his babies birth, or be involved in our life. And I feel that, sick or not, I have no right to take that away from him. And then again, I have to weigh in our safety and long term wellbeing of my child. Part of me wants to believe that medication can make him normal again and we can just go on with our lives, am I just being naïve? I would love to hear an update on your story. Or if any other members have had similar situations, or found success?
If anyone can contribute some insight on some other questions I have it would be greatly appreciated. Once the person goes on medication do they realize that their past actions, thoughts, ideas were delusions? Or do they remain unaware of their illness?
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I have schizophrenia rather than have a family member with it, but I occasionally drop by this forum. I hope the issue with your husband has been resolved. Schizophrenia is very treatable. I relapsed a few times but things went back to normal after I got on new meds. My friend with sz is not completely cured on meds, but even then she is well enough to control her symptoms. I think it’s possible for your husband to go back to normal if he gets proper hospitalization. But I agree with what others say here that this is a serious long term commitment and he will probably need close support for life. I feel like I wouldn’t mind dating a guy I really liked if he has schizophrenia since I’m optimistic that we can lead fulfilling lives and I have reached a point where I have insight and am not difficult to treat. However, my parents would never allow it to happen because they understandably place high value in a person’s social standing and feel that the perfect son in law would be a doctor, lawyer, engineer. My mom grew up in a highly educated household with 2 leading meteorologists and being Chinese, both parents see a guy’s education and career as the two main criteria for who to date. Obviously I’m very sour about this so I keep bringing it up but at this point I realize they are not really giving me a choice. Anyways, ultimately I feel that a new life for you and your daughter is the best option and let him learn a lesson about what he’s done.
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I have been in a relationship for 11 years with my bf who has paranoid SZ. He is also a drug addict (crack, meth, pills). I have finally had to let him go. Hes been on disability since he was 19 (he’s 41…I’m 53). He was always very sweet and affectionate until he got hooked on pain pills this year. I watched him disappear. He moved out of my house and started living as a nomad. Bouncing from his brother’s house (also an addict) to his father’s house. His father is an alcoholic who makes jokes about the situation.
I’ve gotten zero support from his family. His mother moved away to another state a few years ago after suffering a mental breakdown. She lives with her parents now.
I’ve been married to an alcoholic and a meth addict. I finally got sober 1 year ago. This was when things started going south. I dont need this in my life. I’ve decided to be selfish and only look out for myself. His friends are losers and drug addicts. He lies to me about everything.
I wish you peace. Take care of yourself and your baby. It’s a hard road trying to live with someone who refuses help. My bf gets an injection of 30 mg of Abilify every 3 months. But he is taking street drugs too. He has told me he just doesn’t like being in one place too long. We used to eat ice cream in bed watching movies. Grill out. Go to movies. Now if he comes over he eats and goes to sleep. I decided I’m not ok with that. I’d rather live alone. And he doesn’t care anymore. When I tell him hes changed he just says “I’m sorry”. I’m sorry too. But I had to move on.
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@bluebell I’ve been very sad lately. My spouse was briefly hospitalized but refused the injection and is still in psychosis. He wants nothing to do with me and blames very bad thing in his life on me. It’s extremely painful and hurtful for me for him to treat me like this.
Where is your husbands family? Have they distanced themselves because he isn’t stable on medication?
I thought my husband would hit rock bottom and take the medicine but that hasn’t happened.
My best advice is to Do what you can to get your husband on meds and weekly therapy with someone with experience with schizophrenia. He will also need to attend group therapy with peers so he will know he is not alone and can receive support.
If he won’t do that then it will be hell dealing with him and a newborn baby. Take care of your baby and yourself and move on and heal so you can meet someone else.
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Hi Bluebell. Welcome. There doesn’t seem to be much if any correlation between the person being on meds or not as to wether they gain what we call ‘insight’ or not into their illness. Anosognosia is the clinical term for this lacking of ‘insight’. The definition of anosognosia is loosely : the inability for a person to perceive disease in themselves and their own body.
A good example I’ve heard used a few times is to imagine somebody who has been through a traumatic incident that left them without legs. But they keep getting up trying to walk and scream of terrible pains in their legs, that they don’t have. Their brain does not recognize that they literally do not have legs.
It’s a seriously bizarre condition, and confusing for us on the outside observing, I know.
But as far as meds go, if you’re loved one is willing to try them and the right one that fits their body chemistry can be found, we know that meds can still be a major turning point, even if our loved ones never truly gain ‘insight’.
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@Feelingalone I’m sorry to hear that 
My husbands family do not want to deal with him, they have a strained relationship and now I clearly understand why. These things seem cyclical with him. It is not the first relationship he has destroyed in this manner ether. It’s like as if some sorts of narrative/script that plays out in his head. Same craziness, same delusions… I hope he is finally starting to realize the patterns. Though getting on medication is still in question.
I want to stand by and fight for him, to get him on meds, and yet again I am afraid of what that might mean for me and my baby in the long run. These are some very hard decisions, I can absolutely relate to your pain and the sadness is quite deep. I keep telling my self to be patient, to ride this out. Hopefully time will put them in that “rock bottom” as you mentioned where they give up and finally accept help. All best wishes to you Feelingalone, BIG mental hug.
Thank you for clarifying this. I internally question the integrity of our relationship in the long run, even on meds. Considering his delusions are mostly geared towards me, whether he will ever be clear enough to rebuild trust or is he always going to be suspecting, accusing me of infidelity and wild conspiracies. I guess there is no real way to tell but go through the process of trying different medications. If we ever get to that point. And secondly, will I be able to ever trust him again… he can do some very dangerous and stupid things when he is not right. So many what ifs and buts, I guess only time will tell.
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@susan031367 I’m very interested to learn more about the relation of meth to sz, I understand it can have similar psychotic effects on people, and delusional thoughts. My husband has history with street drugs. Which I feel like brought on the recent episodes anyways. I guess my question is, if drugs have similar effects, where do those effects end and where does sz begin and vise versa. It seems a fine line. And how medication plays in to both of these sets of symptoms… my next subject of research.
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My 2nd husband was an IV meth user. The brain of a schizophrenic and a meth addict are almost identical. Sometimes I wonder if he was undiagnosed SZ and the meth triggered something in his brain.
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My bf…all his relationships before me the girl left him. He told me every one of them cheated on him. That they were all whores who cheated.
I got sober and finally started to see with my real eyes and not beer goggles. I think they probably just got tired of him constantly accusing them of cheating. And his crazy mood swings. Sleeping all day for days on end. Being up all night blasting music in his headphones. Taking drugs, not working, squandering his disability check and then borrowing money, leaving food out in his room. His hygiene was very bad at times. His truck was disgusting. It’s hard to deal with.
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@susan031367 That pretty much describes my husband to the T when he is not well, are we living with the same man? lol jk Yes its very hard to deal with. Mine will hear sounds and voices in the house, “logically” in his mind I’m hiding someone and cheating on him, he could search for clues for hours. The paranoia and the obsessive thoughts he had were really out there and really out of control. Has your bf or husband had any sleep disorders as one of the symptoms?
This is where I wonder, whether its methamphetamine issues that get miss diagnosed as sz, or if its sz that gets exacerbated by the drug (chicken or the egg)?
Congratulations on going sober by the way, its quite the feat! What clicked for you?
Yes, insight is a complicated mental process, I think, @bluebell, and it’s very hard to predict what will happen.
My husband had a psychotic break with a very gradual onset and seemed to have occasional glimmers of awareness that his thought processes weren’t working properly, but nothing that really stuck, not even after he started taking medication and more or less recovered.
Fast forward to a relapse last year after a very long and gradual taper off medication, followed by nine months of worsening symptoms- he finally went back on medication in January - and a few weeks after starting medication, he was able to look back at his thinking and say, Wow, I was really crazy.
So what led to this? I can’t say. It might have been that it took going through it twice or it could have been the extended period of psychosis the second time around or it could be that the second medication is just doing a better job of helping with whatever happens inside his head to lead him down such a dark path. I have no idea.
And will it last? Who knows? I do know that as time has passed, the memories of his experiences while off medication have become vaguer and vaguer to him (although sadly, for me, it is still all very present). So I suspect that if enough time passes, he will basically forget that it happened or feel that I am exaggerating if he starts slipping and I try to remind him of why seeing a psychiatrist is helpful. In retrospect, I think he’d had periods of paranoia before I’d met him that his family attributed to anger and depression and that he himself forgot once he felt better. Even before the psychotic break, I could tell that his brain worked very differently than that of most people, I just didn’t know why.
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Staying in a toxic relationship is not going to help anyone unless you can separate yourself in some way, at least mentally and emotionally, from the toxicity. It is especially difficult to help someone with a mental illness combined with drug or alcohol addiction. That is not to say there is not help and hope. NAMI is one resource for people like us. Support groups offer a place where people can share feelings and experiences. The support group facilitators and other family members who participate in the group listen, empathize, and also share knowledge about matters that can be helpful for caring for a loved one and for taking care of ourselves. Additionally, both my spouse and I found the NAMI Family to Family class to be an excellent source of education that got us started on a road to learn about tools and resources that were useful. These and other NAMI programs are being offered around the country and if there is no NAMI affiliate in your area, there are affiliates somewhere that are offering both support groups and classes virtually via Zoom. Google NAMI in your state or go to Support & Education | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness. There is no cost to the participants for these programs.
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