Has anyone ever feared for their own mental health?

Family
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It’s generally accepted that mental health issues run in families, and that schizophrenia has a genetic component to it. I don’t doubt it’s true, but in some cases I think there’s more to it; for example, growing up in a household with mental illness and substance abuse issues is certainly a stress that can have an impact on even a healthy mind. And when children are exposed to it, their minds are being formed simultaneously; certainly it will impact their psychological development.

Mental health professionals use different models to frame mental illness in a way it can be understood. One frame of reference is that it is (or can be) organic in origin- there’s a part of your brain (or your mind) that isn’t working properly. If doctors address that, then the illness can be managed. I don’t doubt it’s true in many cases. The other is the “trauma” frame of reference, where an event or situation (like an abusive household) caused the mental illness; addressing this can manage the illness. And I don’t doubt this is sometimes true.

Anyway, back on topic. I grew up in the same household as Billy, same parents, same schools for the most part, even some of the same friends. I’m the older brother by 3 years. My father was very rigid and authoritarian; he had my whole life planned practically from birth (I was going to be a Catholic priest! or so he thought), my whole education, everything. My mother was very nurturing and taught me how to read, write, do math, even type, before I went to kindergarden. I was reading at the tenth grade level in first grade! Billy on the other hand had no interest in any of it.

It always seemed to me that my father was super strict with me, but let Billy do whatever he wanted. It’s only now that I realize that Billy wasn’t about to go along with anybody’s plans, even when he was 4 years old. My parents couldn’t control him. And he was already manipulating my parents at 4 or 5 years old. I was puzzled why he did it, and even more puzzled that he wasn’t punished. Now I realize it was his inner Charles Manson manifesting itself at an early age.

When Billy got older, he got in a lot of fights with my father. They would scream and yell and break stuff. I soon intervened and became like a lieutenant to my father; Dad told me what Billy needed to do and I made him do it. At least Billy was afraid of me and he knew I’d beat his ass if he crossed me.

So, even though we were clearly very different right from birth, I have always feared that I could succumb to this terrible scourge. And the stress and trauma of a lifetime with a mentally ill brother and a crazy, neurotic childhood household might be enough to crack me.

I used to think it was normal because it’s all I knew. Other families in our neighborhood had issues with alcoholic fathers and old fashioned authoritarian fathers (think Archie Bunker), so I thought it was just the way it was. There were drugs and there were gang issues. I thought every boy had to grow up like that.

So surely someone here has had these thoughts. In fact there were a couple times where I thought I might be the crazy one. Constant exposure to Billy’s antics might have left a few cracks in my armor.

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I can relate ,
And I also worry for my childrens sake ,
Thought I may be in the clear for any type of sz disorder myself but from what I’m reading this can start appearing later and later in age.
My sibling has periods of some stability and rationale so there’s definitely times I would question my own sanity.
I think something that made it so hard is if he is doing good for a long stretch and then everything just starts turning and going downhill and he ends up in some really crazy situations jail hospitalized homeless.
Because of the anosegnosia he doesn’t recognize actions that put him in that place so most of the time when he is coming out of it he has all of these reasons his own perspective if you will of what happened.
And it really sometimes messes with me and it’s hard for me to remember the reality of what actually happened.
Growing up I was usually a rule follower my sibling not so much but he was always very outgoing and popular.
My parents did seem to let him get away with a lot I don’t think on purpose though there were just some things they didn’t know how to deal with.
As far as I know we did not have schizophrenia in the family on either side I know there was some depression with aunts and uncles.
It’s hard to know for sure though because even if I did it may not have been recognized in a past relative it may have just been characterized as their character which I think happens a lot.
I also sometimes feel because I am so used to sz behaviors I sometimes normalize a lot of behaviors of my sibling when they are not accepting new normal I guess.

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Yes. One of the things about Billy was that he could never be wrong; nothing could ever be his fault. It was always someone else (usually me) who caused the problem, in his mind.

When I was younger, I always wanted to have kids. I lived such a busy life that I never settled down to have kids. But now that I know about how schizophrenia runs in families, I am so glad I never did. I would very unhappy if I brought another monster into the world, a little Uncle Billy/Charles Manson. It’s definitely for the best.

And as far as I know, Billy never fathered any children. That would be one messed up kid, and I almost surely would have ended up their de facto guardian.

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My FIL used the threat of violence to control his wife’s schizophrenia. During one of these “old fashioned authoritarian” husband moments, she retreated to their bedroom and returned with his loaded hand gun. Fortunately for him, she didn’t shoot him. Like you, their children assumed this was all normal behavior - how else could they know different? And as always the words of the mentally ill families - “don’t tell anyone, this is private family business”.

Our biggest worry was that our son’s paranoia would cause a violent situation and some innocent person would be hurt or would hurt him. During all of his hospitalizations (cancer) I would be there every minute to make sure nothing escalated. I’d just sit there reading and run interference when needed. Because most people took Mike as normal, they often saw him as a difficult, particular, patient. Everyone on this forum would recognize how amazing it was that he participated with cancer treatments for 4 years. From my observation spot, it was interesting to note that the people who realized Mike had “something” going on and they adjusted their behaviors - they were usually doctors and older RNs. The less observant nurses tended to enter his room “loaded for bear” and they did not like me running interference. I would think “I am here helping YOU” and I would wish that I could post on this forum to people who would understand.

The damage done to the growing you as your parents gave you the role of “lieutenant parent” is just awful and of course you normalized it thinking every boy grows up like that. They hooked you into being responsible for your brother - so wrong. My BIL and SIL don’t expect their younger child to discipline their older son with autism, but, they have made it clear to him from an early age that he is expected to be responsible for his brother when they are gone. So unfair, it’s similar to brainwashing.

Normalization is one of the reason doctors are reluctant to diagnose schizophrenia in children. Often the children of people with mental illness display the behaviors of their parent.

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I never understood just how different Billy was. I thought I was dealing with just a regular kid, not a budding psychopath. In retrospect all the signs were there, but with no help or information how was anybody to know?

And violence was a way of life in my community. I was battered by thugs every time I walked around the block. I was pressured to join a gang (I never did) and ended up taking self defense classes out of desperation. And once I got a couple of those thugs alone and gave them the beating of their life, I had 100% respect on the street. That’s what it took, nothing less, and I don’t believe it’s changed much for working class kids growing up in the city.

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I would be there every minute to make sure nothing escalated.
This really stands out I often feel this way, If my sibling is in an unwell state ,
Of course I can’t be there every minute but it sure feels like our loved ones need that at some points .
Weather I can’t prevent things or not .
Once I had been out searching for my sibling when he didn’t answer at a hotel he had been staying I was driving around the area and soon spotted him at a gas station sitting on the curb .
I went to speak with him he told the cops were on the way to talk to him the clerk had called because he had been sitting in a car that wasn’t his.
It looked like a car he had in High school .
When they arrived he talked to one officer while I explained to another that he was having a confusing day and meant no harm to the vehicle .
They were able to take him to a crisis unit instead of jail that day .

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I know, I wonder how many events I missed - he was good about calling me when he thought he was in over his head - I am sure I missed a lot. When I was staying with him those final 18 months he would send me to the closest Subway to get sandwiches whenever they had a 2 for 1 coupon. He was trying to use the coupon to get back at them from banning him from their store. From what I understood, at some point they shorted him a meatball in his meatball sandwich and he ended up banned. And there was the pharmacy incident. After apologizing in person to the pharmacist who had helped me over the phone for years with his meds, I promised that he wouldn’t enter their store again. The Walgreens computer system struggles processing the extra help from Medicaid - his immunosuppressives were covered by 80% by Medicare . When he was frustrated that they were trying to charge him several hundred dollars for what should have had no charge, there had been a bad blowup. The pharmacy tech, not the pharmacist, had retaliated to Mike’s outburst by sending his prescriptions to various other pharmacies. The pharmacist was still shaky about the encounter - it must have been bad.

I would sometimes offer that Mike was “special”, this really did work well. People would adjust and treat him gently, he responded so well to gentle treatment from strangers.

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Of course. I never knew what he was up to when I wasn’t with him, and of course if he screwed up he would never tell me. I would find out from a phone call every time. And when I tried to help him out of a jam (a regular occurrence) he would do nothing to help me help him. He would lie, deflect, deny.

That’s great you were there to talk to the cop. Some cops are used to dealing with mentally ill people but all dread it. They sometimes don’t know what to do or lack the tools they need (policies and resources for dealing with the mentally ill) to be effective.

I totally understand your explanation of a “confusing day” but I don’t think all cops would understand. I think there should be mental health pros to deal with the mentally ill that are causing problems. And I can tell you that in Evanston Il I’ve seen where it was an open air asylum, right in front of million dollar + high rise condos. The police would come and they’re making a big disturbance, there’s a guy selling dope right out of the alley across the street, I even heard of a woman that built a fire in the lobby of this building. A prostitute/drug addict was turning tricks in the parking area, and you could clearly see it on the security monitor in the lobby. The residents, some of them prominent celebrities, use the loading dock to come and go because the lobby is out of control with mentally ill people sleeping and congregating there.

I’ve seen where the cops had to come every hour to sweep the lobby and entrance area. I can’t imagine paying millions of dollars for an exclusive condo and having to put up with this. And I know this because I know someone who lives there and I have visited.

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Like you said there has to be a better way, better resources , better understanding of this Mental illness situation , and more better and honest, loving and caring people to help these people with such severe Mental issues, most people just do not have the money or enough insurance to be able to afford, expensive private care, (and then most of these private care facilities are just dishonest, manipulating, abusive ) because all they are out for is the money, not the well being of the patient. So where, and mostly how can a solution be found to help all patients Rich or Poor, Young or Old, Male or Female, to be able to receive the quality of care they so desperately need and deserve, to be able to live a good and respectful quality of life.

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