Do your in-laws other than you ur SIL have staph? Do they even know? Been tested ?
We’ve asked them to be tested and they refuse. When we shared the information our doctor gave us with them, my father in law got angry at him and said the doctors are wrong, that staph isn’t a big deal if SIL doesn’t touch the baby, and that herpes are only contagious when she has an open sore. None of that is true, but they expect us to ignore the doctors because they want SIL to have access to the baby.
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If that’s the case I wouldn’t let them see the baby either
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Sadly that’s what will need to happen. And when they show up at our front door with SIL in tow, we won’t open the door.
I think it is only natural to want to avoid hurting feelings. The overall large family dynamics are supposed to be full of give and take between all members. However, sometimes the giving seems one way, as givers like to keep giving and think that giving will eventually help the problem. Takers, in my opinion, will never voluntarily stop taking… until the giver learns to say no.
If you are done giving in to avoid hurting feelings, I think that is a step in the right direction. Being tough to protect your baby’s health is the best start to life you can give your child. That is your first loyalty, in my opinion.
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I think I took not wanting to hurt feelings too far and enabled my ILs denial (just like everyone else in the family does). MIL has never wanted to admit her daughter is sick and to avoid her guilt trips, tears and silent treatment, her husband and kids all just play into whatever excuse or denial MIL has concocted.
Silly example, but SIL will come and put her hands all into whatever food we make for dinner and sometimes lick the food too, then MIL will still try to serve it to everyone and will yell and cry if people say “no SIL just stuck her hands in it”, even when we all saw it happen. So instead everyone just sits there not eating and not saying anything. I started doing the same thing to avoid MIL’s meltdowns.
I think it hurt the situation because it’s allowed her to continue pretending everything is fine and normal. And I think us enabling that is part of the reason MIL is not mentally well now too?
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Oh what tangled web we weave
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Very true. And very bad for SIL because it allowed her parents to just pretend she wasn’t sick for years and do nothing to help her.
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Sometimes going along and not fighting delusions seems the best option, but in your case there are very real health issues at case.
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But is going along with my in-laws delusions ever the right path? They aren’t the people with SZ. I understand from the NAMI classes and LEAP system why it’s sometimes necessary for SIL. But my in-laws are not ill - they just spent years denying the truth because they have a huge stigma around MI, don’t want anyone to know their daughter is sick (they are embarrassed) and they are very religious so they believe MI is a curse and can be “prayed away”.
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You should not go along with the delusions if it has an impact on your baby.
I personally would not reinforce delusions in my child. On the sz board threads promoting delusions get shut down.
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That’s what I think too, but the rest of my husband’s family will just play along with MIL’s denial to “keep the peace”. It doesn’t seem healthy or smart to me.
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Not everyone does the right thing. Sometimes it’s hard to know what that is. But recovery is not found thru enabling
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@BDinVA1 thank you for that story. Oh my, oh my. I suddenly got the picture from that post. It isn’t a silly example at all. I am horrified myself, I’m sorry to be so blunt. I don’t think you can EVER let the SIL and MIL visit your baby and keep the baby safe from illness. Someone with herpes and staph touching and licking the food being served to everyone at family meals? And everyone who is sane just sitting there to avoid a meltdown? Oh my, ugh. I’m so sorry. As I see it, SIL may just touch and lick the baby the same way if you let her near, and MIL may pretend to comply with hygiene rules. Oh, no!
“recovery is not found thru enabling” . Oh @Moonwalker thank you for your post too.
You both just helped me to see how enabling my alcoholic husband by “ignoring” the drunken episodes “because he isn’t hurting me” is the absolute worst thing I could have been doing all these years, because somehow eventually, I will get caught in a bad incident. And the alcoholism will continue. I told him recently I was going to force him to rehab, but haven’t done it. Oh my, ugh to myself too. What am I perpetuating by pretending he can “tone down” his drunkenness so I can avoid the meltdowns? Tonight I told the counselor at the rehab that I WILL force the issue tomorrow. He must go. There will be a huge meltdown at my house tomorrow a.m.
Sigh. There is NO gentle way to explain no contact to your in-laws. But if you let them have contact, your baby may be infected for life with herpes and get staph too. It seems we are in the same enabling boat. To end it, I have to force my husband to rehab or divorce. And you need to “divorce” your in-laws… and enforce no contact. I totally see “loving kisses” leading to illness.
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I’ll be thinking of you and your husband today. Best of luck with that difficult conversation - I hope it goes as well as possible.
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I hope your husband sees his need for rehab. My oldest brother has dealt with alcoholism. He ended up losing everything… his marriage, his job., got cited for drunk driving multiple times to the point where he either had to do rehab or go to jail. He might have been doing other stuff to because he ended up in the mental health ward for substance abuse. It was hard seeing my brother throw everything away like that. Also hard because he lives in a different state and there was nothing I could do.
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I wouldn’t get messed up in your husbands drinking problem. Give him CBT books on quitting like “overcoming problem drinking”. Marcantonio spada or any other one that is CBT based.
Don’t force him to stop.
Try to get him to see a psych about depression.
I’m all to him about how it affects you and find ways to deal with it better.
I drink. I have had a drinking problem. Now I have a routine. It’s good for me. I don’t drink too much.
Don’t fight about it
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You know I fully expected a fight @Moonwalker @Windyhill63 @BDinVA1 but there wasn’t one. A lot of emotion, yes, but no fight. And lots of crying. And agreement that his problem is that he can’t stop once he starts drinking. One beer turns into 4 and then the Fireball gets added in, and then the really weird behavior starts, and he is sort of like the Energizer Bunny, he goes on and on and on annoyingly. He is going to the live-in rehab on Monday a.m. Today he drank after he agreed to go to rehab and I went to work, then slept it off, then was “normal” tonight. We actually had a good evening. My daughter was at work at the baseball stadium, so she was just fine too. Wow, I like the peace.
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That’s great news! I’m so happy for you and your family!
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I agree that’s great news!
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