@BDinVA1… That’s just awful. I’m so sorry. Yes, I imagine your in-laws actions are absolutely making your sister-in-law even more ill.
How far away do they live from you? I hope you have a good amount of space between your households.
When are you due? I hope your health is OK.
They are 3 hours away, fortunately.
I’m doing well, thank you for asking. It’s very kind of you. No direct contact has helped a lot, thanks to the advice from folks here. And for the first time I’ve made it into the last trimester and baby and I are both healthy. After prior losses and fertility treatments I am so very grateful to be at this point!
I am so happy that baby and you are doing well! Oh, so happy.
The three hour drive is a good thing, I am glad for the distance. I am glad you and your husband were both in agreement between you about the no contact issue, after all, it is his blood family, but he is so smart to put you and the baby first. Protecting the health of your newborn is THE job of the two of you.
I had an aunt that I rarely saw as a child. Now I believe that she was mentally ill as well as physically ill back then. However, she always sent my sister and myself cards in the mail with a few dollars inside. She was my favorite unseen relative.
Thank you very much!
Well unfortunately we ended up exactly where I feared. They continued to push for her to be at the hospital, and this weekend called to say they had tickets to come up before the due date (SIL too) and then handed her the phone so they could guilt my husband by having her talk about how excited she was about the baby. She spends all day now talking to the voices about a baby and often thinks it is hers. They are feeding into the delusion by building a nursery, taking her to vaccines “so you can meet the baby” etc. What they are doing is cruel and dangerous.
They are refusing any boundaries and flat out lied when they told us they spoke with her about not being able to meet the baby until her health improves.
So we are cutting then off - we changed hospital and registered under a different name since they’ve made it clear now they will bring her and show up despite being told not to. I no longer feel badly about it or like I am stopping them from meeting their grandson: they are choosing to be delusional and therefore choosing not to be a part of our lives. When they are ready to accept boundaries they will be welcome. Until then it is their own fault.
It sounds like there are two people doing this. I want to offer a seneraio that might explain this strange behavior.
It’s clearly not rational, but maybe they know they can’t have a baby and are trying to live vicariously thru you. When I was growing up I had an uncle without kids and my mom would tell us that he loved us as his own kids.
It’s a sad place to be and maybe they know it. I would treat this situation with more empathy towards this delusional behavior. Still it’s understandable your feelings
No it’s my in-laws encouraging my sister in laws’ delusion, which is cruel to her. What will she do when my baby is never in that nursery and she doesn’t get to meet him? The rest of the family does not allow their kids around her because of past incidents (she has been violent before) and because she is not med complaint and has a host of infections that are dangerous for little kids without fully formed immune systems.
My empathy ran out when they told us to ignore multiple doctors’ advice that she was unsafe to be around a baby and devoted months to calling us to yell, cry, guilt trip and attempt to manipulate us into doing what they want - which is to put our child at risk so they can pretend their daughter isn’t sick.
They are constantly hurting my husband and, until I stopped interacting with them, they underminded the health of my pregnancy.
At this point I am just angry with them for what they have put us through and the joy they’ve stolen from this time, and for thinking they have a right to demand we risk our baby’s well being so they can let their sick daughter play “mommy”.
Edited: they even said to us, after knowing we lost the last baby well into the second trimester, that sister in law had a “right” to be included because “she is the person most excited about the baby”. That is cruel and makes me question the state of their own mental health.
That’s worse than expected. I’m sorry for your situation. Do what you have to to protect yourself and the baby. I have a 1 year old, I can sympathize. The health of the baby is #1
You may have hit the nail on the head…the mental health issue may include more than just SIL. There is a book called Boundaries. Dr. Cloud I believe. Even in families without mental health issues as severe as the ones you have outlined, healthy boundaries are a challenge.
My son is paranoid sz. Some of his delusions are harmless and those I go along with rather than try to disprove. A few are not harmless. Those I tell him I understand what he thinks, but I cannot go along with it.
The delusion of your child being hers or that she somehow has a right greater than yours is a dangerous one. It supersedes health issues that sounds like your in laws tried to focus on rectifying.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I totally agree with the changes you have made so that your birth can be private. I feel badly for your husband, since his parents and sister are all living in a delusion that they are right to force themselves on you and your husband and your unborn baby, but I am very glad he is supporting you.
You and your husband are so brave. You have done everything you can to lovingly set needed boundaries- and they’re being ignored. I applaud you for taking the extra precautions with the birth. I have family members who have chosen to not be around me and my sz son. They are acting out of ignorance and fear, but I respect their chosen boundaries, although with a heavy heart. Keep on protecting the health of your baby and the mental health of both you and your husband. I wish you the best.
This is partially my fault too. As @thereisalwayshope said, boundaries are hard and I should have set more early on. I felt sorry for my in-laws so I gave in to a lot of guilt trips and put myself is some uncomfortable positions to avoid hurting their feelings.
Even when we were doing fertility treatments it took me months to put my foot down and say we weren’t staying at their house because we needed sleep and low stress (SIL keeps everyone up all night with her yelling and pacing through every room, even other peoples bedrooms).
I finally started setting boundaries when my FIL lectured me (in public at a work event with my boss who did not know I was pregnant) on how I had to tell SIL I was pregnant before I told anyone else (only grandparents knew because of our prior losses) and got angry when I told him it was our news to share how we saw fit.
After that they tried to turn everything related to my pregnancy and make it about SIL - from how/when we told people, to where we were “allowed” to have a shower to SIL having to be at the hospital because it was her right as an aunt. And when we said no, they responded with anger, tears or just pretending the conversations had never happened and asking over and over again to try to get a different answer.
They believe that us having a baby is somehow good for SIL because for the first time in years she is engaging with reality and so they feel she must be included in our pregnancy and get a say in something that has nothing to do with her. Like my baby is medicine for her.
Thank you. I didn’t want to act out of ignorance which is why I took the 12 session NAMI class, talked to doctors, signed up for forums like this and read the books recommended so I could be informed about the disease and how best to support/talk to SIL.
At the end of the day she is the person suffering the most through no fault of her own - she is sick and doesn’t realize it and doesn’t mean to act the way she does. And the people who could get her help won’t learn about the disease or take any action. They spend their time worrying about what neighbors will think and how to hide her away. It is so very, very sad.
Meds. Is she on medication? The non compliant are hopeless no matter what you do
@Moonwalker Sadly she is not on medication. She was forcibly medicated by the state a few years ago and did incredibly well on the abilify shot. She was able to work, have friends, take care of her hygiene and run basic errands for herself. As soon as it wasn’t required by the state anymore she stopped and ended up catatonic and in need of ECT because none of the meds were bringing her out of it.
Now she will occasionally take medication but never regularly or as prescribed and she won’t go to the doctor. Plus she is drinking heavily so she isn’t eligible for the shot anymore, as I understand it. I think she used to know (many years ago) that she was sick, but the disease has progressed so much that now she doesn’t know or believe she is ill anymore.
my mantra on the sz board is take your meds. In this situation it seems that it just wouldn’t work. I was told that sz takes over your mind and at about 70% you lose insight.
The only thing I can suggest is getting her to take a look at the sz forum. Maybe it will kindle a spark
Thank you @Moonwalker. Hopefully at some point we can suggest that, but for now we are not going to be in contact with any of them. After I deliver my husband is free to have whatever relationship with his family he wants (outside of our home) but the baby and I will not be seeing or speaking to them and they will not get baby pictures, news or anything else they can use to encourage SIL’s delusions or expectations of meeting the baby.
Hi @BDinVA1. I’m a Moderator over on the Diagnosed Forum and rarely post on the Family Forum.
I just came across this thread and felt I needed to post. My post has nothing to do with your SIL having schizophrenia but rather a general health-related concern related to your in-laws.
Since your in-laws live in close proximity with your SIL who you posted has a chronic staph infection, I would recommend consulting your pediatrician about the possible risks of your in-laws being carriers of Staph and any possible risks if they were to be in contact with your baby.
Thank you @Moonbeam. Yes staph was one of the primary concerns my OBGYN flagged. That’s one of the reasons SIL can’t have contact with the baby and the baby can’t be in my in-laws home. For the in-laws, the doctor said after the first few months the risk is manageable if they wash their hands, don’t touch his face or hands, and we wrap him in a receiving blanket that gets changed and cleaned immediately. The mental illness is only one piece of the issue - staph and untreated herpes are actually the primary concern until the baby is older and has more of an immune system.