Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Longings like everyone else

It just dawned on me that my son could possibly never experience being in a relationship, caring for someone, someone caring for him, and of course, no intimacy. He has never “been with anyone”. Just too sad.

I’m sure he has longings like every human being, including a physical and emotional connection. Our loved ones have sz, but they’re still human and have desires and wants.

It’s not enough that they are robbed of a social connection with friends and for the most part, live an isolated life, but the thought of him going thru life alone, never experiencing falling in love and intimacy, having a girl falling in love with him, it’s just all too sad.

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It is horrible when this hits you! Many many of us here can relate to this feeling and it is a tough reality. We have to grieve this too sadly. My son will mention to me once in a while “Mom, I’m sorry I won’t ever make you grandbabies”. I know that in that moment he is feeling sad for me but I believe he is for himself too. Hard to tell though cause he will quickly move on to something else as if he had never said it. Just wanted you to know that you’re not alone.

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@Leiann,

I have 2 sons. The older one, who does not have sz, says he does not want children, and would never even think of bringing kids into this world. Perhaps he is the smart one? But I think, in the back of his mind, he’s afraid that maybe one of his children will end up with sz. He’s a firm believer in the genetic factor, whereas I lean more towards environmental and childhood psychological trauma being the bigger instigators of sz. But I’m not ruling out genetics either.

Then I have my younger son with sz, well, he can barely take care of himself, so maybe it’s a good thing he will not have any children. If someone told me 10 years ago that I would never be a grandmother, I would have never believed it. I honestly was looking forward to a couple of grand daughters.

Regardless, I don’t think it’s in the cards for me…

Someone mentioned deep grief every single day. Yes, so many areas of concern and anxiety, so many emotions: fear, sadness, anger, regret, guilt, etc. I did not mention acceptance because I still have not accepted it fully into my heart.

Thank you for your kind words @Leiann

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Sadly, I’m not sure being a grandmother is in the cards for me either. I have an ill son, and I have a healthy daughter who is now afraid to have a child, due to her brother’s illness.

This disease takes many down with it.

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Both of my daughters have expressed that they don’t want to have children. My MI daughter doesn’t for a couple of reasons: the fact that it could be genetic, and she thinks she would not to bring up a child in “this messed up world.” I also know it will be a challenge for her to develop a romantic relationship because of her illness.

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I actually have grandchildren. The diagnosis was made after the first child was born. My son has 2 children.
Yes, they have longings like everyone else. And they can love like everyone else. But they are sensitive and different in a world that is cruel and intolerant. And dark periods of the illness strain relationships.

Perhaps it is best if they have the insight to forgo relationships and children, but I also see that bond of parenthood for him keeps him going. It is bittersweet either way.

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[quote=“thereisalwayshope, post:6, topic:7853”]
they are sensitive and different in a world that is cruel and intolerant.
[/quote].

Yes, very true.

I can totally relate to this. Giving them a sense of purpose and meaning. But I’m sure it would be a harder life with children. People without sz struggle with children involved, so I can only imagine …

Luckily, my son with sz does have insight, and he understands that having children would not be an option for him.
My older son without sz is afraid, I think, and is using the excuse that it’s a terrible world to bring up children.

It is very bittersweet …

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Yes, day by day, my daughter feels the same way as yours. So sad, I’ve talked to her about it and try to tell her that it may not happen and the joy they have given me. Even with my son, before his illness I would not trade those years for anything.

As you said, it takes many down with it.

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Before schizophrenia my grandson had s couple long term relationships. He has gaine a lot of weight so I think it may make him insecure. Plus the meds don’t help he is not even interested I hope someday butfor now I am vey thankful he is functioning

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I absolutely understand your feelings of sadness and grief over this and have thought about this a lot with my family. I have been married to a schizophrenic for 32 years and we have four sons. His episodes really exploded about 10 years ago and my life has just been turned upside down because of his illness. Although it is quite sad, I think it might be best for someone with sz to not marry because my marriage with sz is something I would not wish on anyone. My older sons are in their 20s and are not choosing the marriage relationship path because they see how their dad’s sz has caused such turmoil in our marriage and family. I feel this sadness too all the time.

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mbheart I’m there with you. My son is 27 and he’s my only child so he/I will also never be a dad/grandmother as well.

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Reading your comment, gave me tears. It’s a realization to me , that my son also, will never have a girlfriend, good friends or a life like regular kids his age have at 29. He lives in isolation, I am thankful he can sometimes play his PS4 games and connect with others online. But that is very rare. I understand your pain, they suffer and we watch helplessly. They definitely have needs, they are human. What I would give for my son to experience love from a woman, having friends, going out and just enjoying life. I know is not the same as him having a girlfriend, but we are lucky he has 2 brothers, they are married with kids, but at least his brothers make it a point to communicate with their brother. We try to always make time for family time, so he can get out and surround himself with at least his brothers.

But the thought he may not ever be able to have his own life, just breaks my heart. I pray for all of us, they suffer we suffer.

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I’m trying to find some “me” time and enjoy small things, but I’m finding this to be very difficult. I’m all wrapped up in his well-being, and my focus is all on my son. I know we are supposed to try to enjoy life alittle, but how can I? I see him, and his life, and well… us mothers, I think sometimes we hurt more than they do.

I relate to everything you’re saying… and I’m right there with you.

I think that you are right, as mothers is hard for us to see them hurting and we get wrapped in their pain. I try to find a little " me " time, but it’s hard. If I go out to run errands, I find myself rushing home. I want to have a life aside from the one I have at home, but I start to feel guilty or start to panic that he is home alone. He does well alone as long as he is not having phychosis or paranoia. I still panic, even when he is doing well. But, I wonder how others do it, there has to be a way to enjoy life a little. But as long as we see them hurting it will be tough for us. It’s a sad and isolated situation, both for
them and us.

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I fear the same for my son, he is 21, had friends, job, care, now nothing.

sits in the dark all day, talking to himself and the delusions are back, now he thinks he has 8-10 kids and is worried on how is he going to support them, and he wants to get custody of them.

My son will not interact with anyone just me. Some days he will, some days he won’t. Being alone 24 hours a day with nothing but voices. heartbreaking

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My son 27 was similar , went to university had friends, car , sports , now no car . No friends no job just at home most days all day with me .

@mbheart @Jane57 @thereisalwayshope @lindag @Justsad @Day-by-Day @Lily1

I feel everyone’s pain as I too have been dealing with my son’s illness for many years. I want to share what has happened in my son’s life regarding marriage. He first got sick in his senior year of college, 2001; first hospital admission was 9/17/2001 with 911 one of the triggers. First time any clue of his illness, although his paternal grandmother suffered with severe mental illness, but I wasn’t involved in her issues so I had no idea this could happen. My son did graduate with an architect degree in 2003, got a job with an insurance company and was working his way up the career ladder. He was compliant with his meds, had insight and met his future wife who he was training at work. They got married 2010, and she knew he suffered with bi-polar. At the time he was diagnosed with Schitzo-effective was in college right after 911; but we did not accept that diagnosis, nor did his psychiatrist that he was seeing. In 2015 his psychiatrist switched his medication due to side effects, in agreement with my son, his wife and the psychiatrist. He decompressed and the old medication (Geodon) he tried to get back on was not working. Since 2015 he has been hospitalized over 30 times, I lost track. He wife left him, I had to turn his car in and sell his home. He was a salaried employee, and on advice of the attorney for medicaid, I had to withdraw his 401K to be put in a trust. Today, my son has no insight and because I had to do all this, I am to blame that I stole his life. While I was typing this reply, my son called which I am so relieved; because of Hippa I was not able to reach him. He recently has been in the hospital for 2.5 months approximately and I haven’t been able to see him in almost 2 weeks. Due to other family issues that I am trying to rescue, I am letting my daughter use my car. Yesterday I called my son and I was told that he was transferred to the state hospital. Since I am no longer his guardian, I have to wait for him to call me. So I am glad he called, as he was hanging up he wants a 5 bedroom, 2 bath updated apartment with security service for him and his wife and children. He has no wife or children. He believes he has children with this movie star, I can’t remember her name. In one of his past delusions, he was going to get a plane ticket to rescue her and his children.

My son is now 39, and I still cry and love him as if he was still only a child. I pray knowing that God has a plan that my son will gain insight, get in recovery, and be able to live a some what normal life.

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