Moving son out of the house


#1

My son was diagnosed with Schizophrenia 3 years ago. One month after his first psychotic break, my husband passed away. I really don’t think I can have him live in the home anymore. When he was taking his medicine he was constantly arguing with me to not take it. He would keep me up all hours of the night wanting me to agree that he was fine and medicine was not required. Almost a month ago he refused to take any more of his meds. He is 6’4" and 185 pounds and I am unable to physically force him to take them. I told him that if he didn’t take his meds he had to leave the house. He agreed.

He clearly needs his medicine. Since he has been off his meds he has torn open two of my walls looking for notes that he said he placed in there. (which he did not). Overflows the toilet constantly in which I awake or come home to a flooded basement. I am constantly cleaning up after him with clothes, food, drink, and laundry (because he changes 5 times a day). I am fearful of what I might come home too. Quite honestly, I don’t want to come home to my own house. I love my son but know I can’t live like this every day. If my husband was still living, we could lean on each other.

What I am looking for is advice from those that have been in a similar situation and how they went about removing a loved one and finding the right place for him. I will still be there for my son but us leaving together is causing me health issues and also impacting my performance at work.

Thank you.


#2

I had a similar situation with my son. I was single and he was living with me. I can tell you that it sounds like he should be in the hospital to get stabilized. My son was also on drugs. I can’t tell you how many times I had to call the police to have him removed from my house. we did not have a crisis team at that time. That was pretty much how I got him into the hospital. He never voluntered to go. There were also a lot of times that his dad would put him up at a motel.
Your son should not be in your house acting in that way. I would tell him he cannot stay if he is acting that way. I really dont know if there is a crisis team in your area. From what ive heard here, they are very good at defusing situations and can probably get your son in to the hospital. From there, they can help with doctors, case managers, etc…
It would be VERY hard for you to go through this alone. If you can go online and find a local NAMI chapter in your area, they can be a big support through all of this.
My son was extemely noncompliant with his meds. There are injections if he won`t take his meds. Does he have a doctor? Good luck to you and your son. Hope some of this helps.**


#3

Hospitalization sounds like a good plan but there is criteria that you have to meet. In order to hospitalized, he needs to be a harm to himself or others. I was accused of hospitalizing my brother without good reason so you might want to document all the things your son is doing. If the police wont take him and he won’t volunteer, most major cities have a crisis center that will assist in filling out a court order, where you go before a judge and tell him how you feel he is a danger to himself or others and then an officer will come out and pick him up and take him to a hospital. My brother cannot work. He also punches holes in the walls and cuts the legs off his pants, cuts his t-shirts in half and glues them to the walls. The way my brother left my mother’s home was during a crisis when he was throwing glass at me, I called the police and they hospitalized him and then after that he was placed into a boarding care home. You might also want to look into boarding homes. My brother’s social security check paid for the boarding home.

Does your son receive any income or social security? If you have not applied for it, your might look into it.


#4

Thank you Bridgecomet for your reply. We did call the police and they asked him to go to the hospital but he refused. They said as a tenant they are unable to do anything about his destruction to the house unless he burns the house down or causes me harm. I will look into this crisis team and see if my area has one.

Nami has provided some suggestions and I try to be a very positive person but it seems like there are so many road blocks. Since he is over 18 trying to assist is more difficult.

Is your son currently living with you? My son has a doc but refuses to go. If I am able to get him back in the hospital, I will definitely ask about the injections since trying to get him to take his meds daily is a challenge.

Thank you for responding


#5

We had to kick my brother out of the house. It was not a healthy living environment for us anymore. A lot of the issues you described get pretty close to what we experienced. He is now living in an apartment, and to my knowledge he does not harass my parents quite so much anymore. As much as you love him, sometimes you need to take care of your needs and your own safety first.


#6

No, this was 20 years ago. He is now living in his own apartment. He was kicked out of a lot of places due to his substance abuse. I have to say, its been a long hard ride for both of us. Im a little shocked with the police thing. You live in Ohio? I am in Ky. The mental health services are there-but how to get them? There are no easy answers. Is there anyone else he can stay with? I would let him know that you cannot tolerate his behavior ( punching holes in walls ) keeping you up all night. Maybe you can give him a chance to find a place on his own? Let him know that he can only stay if he sees a doc and gets injections. What does his doc say? I am sorry–just throwing things out there-things I went through. Is there someone you can stay with intil the situation gets better? I agree with Jay. My son was on the streets at different times. He always ended up finding someone to stay with. I used to tell my son that just because he had sz, did not entitle him to treat me, or anyone else badly…or steal, or lie. My mom passed away 10 years ago. I was living in the hospital with her 2 hours away. When I came home, there was a message from my son—asking me to bail him out of jail. I went over to his place and yelled and yelled. i felt so quilty. Another thing I did at different times, was to put up the money so he could have his own place. That worked a few times until My credit cards were maxed out. I could write a book to you. my wish for you is that you can find a solution so that you can have some peace for yourself for awhile. My son also stayed in soem homeless shelters.


#7

warm big hugs being sent your way…i am so sorry you are going through this…


#8

Hi Ming,

Yes, he does receive disability benefits. You indicated he was hospitalized and then went to a boarding home. Was that because you told the hospital that he was not able to move back into your mothers home? Did the hospital help place him?


#9

Thank you Jay, I have been thinking of placing him in an apartment as well. However, my daughters are worried what he would damage there. Thought maybe he wouldn’t get as upset and maybe some how come to realize that the meds are the best thing for him.


#10

Thank you bubbles for the kind words


#11

I understand your frustration and guilt. I feel it every day. Even on the meds its not a good environment for both of us since he lacks the insight to know he is ill. He has lived with me for 3 years and was hoping a new environment might help him out as well. My thought is he would be more respectful to others than he is towards me and obey the rules.

I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. It really does help.


#12

I would hate to be in your shoes. Or his shoes. But isn’t 18 being legally an adult? Can’t you have him legally evicted as a bad tenant?


#13

Welcome to the forum @ohioflash

I am not at this point with my son however there have been times when I have come close to having him removed from the home. Thankfully they are short lived and more behavioral than psychosis/symptom related.

Just yesterday I had to threaten to call 911 to get my son to stop throwing and breaking things. I know from previous experience that if I want to have him physically removed then I have to call 911 and have the police take him out. Once out of the home, depending on my son’s actions with them, then they can drop him off at a shelter, etc but they can not make him enter. So essentially I would be putting him out on the street. My son talks like he is going to move out and refuses to acknowledge the situation he is in or the choices that he is making to put him there so getting him to follow through on his own words and actually leave of his own accord is not going to happen. I have looked into shelters etc and my son has to walk in or sign up himself. I think the only way around this since he is an adult is to get custody/guardianship then you can make these decisions for him. There is also court ordered treatment. AOT’s Assisted Outpatient Treatment orders in the US or CTO’s Community Treatment orders here in Canada. I don’t know what is in involved in getting this other then my son was told during his last admission that if he returned in a short period they would put him on injection which I’m guessing would be through a CTO.

There is a program where I am called Ready4Life which helps to transition to independent living. My son refuses to meet with them. There are programs like ACT/PACT that can help with a lot of things however they are the same in that my son has to agree or want to see/use them. I wish that I could give you better ideas and lack of insight certainly puts a wrench in things.

In the meantime reading this book may help some with communication between you and your son.
http://www.leapinstitute.org/ - under resources are free videos on using LEAP
LEAP is a way of communicating to build trust. Listen-Empathize-Agree-Partner.
http://dramador.com/ - Dr. Xavier Amador is a clinical psychologist whose brother had schizophrenia. He is the founder of the LEAP Institute. Wrote the book: I’m Not Sick I Don’t Need Help! Can buy from his website.
Search Xavier Amador and LEAP on youtube.com and you should find some long videos


#14

I don’t how your son is doing, but there are other resources like day hospitals and visiting nurses that could help make your home life more livable before you get to the eviction time.

If he’s that bad off and there are NO other options, a group home might be helpful for a while. My brother never tore down a wall, but he did get rather paranoid and jumpy and eventually Mom and Dad had to make the tough call. My brother was put in to a group home for a little while. It really did help him.

At first he hated the family and he was resentful, but he has a story that he tells of a nurse who did NOT put up with his attitude one day and sort of told him off; and that opened his eyes.

The group home plugged him into other resources and little by little he let go of the anger and started taking his meds and now I live with him in his own apartment, he has a job, started college, is learning how to self-manage. I have my big brother back.

It was very emotionally hard for my parents to kick my brother out and get him in a group home. It wasn’t done out of tough love or fed up or anything other then the fact that they could see the current situation had stagnated and my brother wasn’t getting any better. They said they couldn’t provide the help he needed and still raise the rest of us. I’m sorry your hitting this wall, but please note that a good group home or an assisted living or an apartment with a visiting nurse or care team can turn the situation around.

I hope things get better for you all.
Thank you for letting me post.


#15

There is not a good answer to this situation. Getting your son stabilized is of course the first step. However, if he is his own guardian, you are limited in what actions you can take. Decent group homes can be difficult to find, and they also get to pick and choose who can live in their homes. They will not accept someone who is not stable. My son was kicked out of one assisted living, and the one he is currently in is trying to ‘discharge’ him (a nice way to say evict him). I was not provided a legal discharge notice from the first place. In retrospect, they probably broke the regulations - my son was at the hospital, and they packed up his stuff and said he couldn’t come back.

My husband is my son’s stepdad, and he will not allow my son to live in our house - he has seen the damage my son can do, plus my son is disruptive. Tho it is hard to say no, it is not best you live here, but I know the peace I can find at home would be shattered, and probably my marriage as well. Without those things, I might find it impossible to find the strength to provide the support that I do give to my son.


#16

I don’t think my brother has damaged his apartment the same way he’s damaged our own house. I suppose everybody is different, but I think he realizes the difference between being at home (no legal issues if he damages something) and being in the real world (by real world, I mean being with people outside of family and dealing with real world consequences if he were to damage someone else’s property).


#17

Im 37 and have schizophrenia and also live with my parents. Sometimes it can be stressful but we do generally get along. But schizophrenia can be very stressful, and it can cause a lot of stress for the sufferer. I do hope things can improve for you and your son. Be sure for you to find some relaxation time for yourself, its very important that you have relaxation time for yourself as I do know schizophrenia can cause a lot of stress for the carers. They say good advice is always maintain your outside friendships or relations as these provide great support and help you de- stress as you can get things off your chest.

Also, there are group homes for people with mental illness but I don’t know how great those places are.

Also, be sure to find out about support groups for families of schizophrenics. I do believe these provide good support for families.

I hope things improve for you and your son. Do be aware that things can turn round pretty soon. Schizophrenia is an illness that is episodic, where you can be poorly one day and good the next but in the long run you do make good improvements. Things will get better in a short time. Keep up posting here on the forums.