Where do I even begin. We met in a program in July 2013. I was there for PTSD and depression and impulse disorders as an iop which I placed myself in. He was coming out of his second or third inpatient for several weeks. I personally have never been hospitalized just psychs and a couple programs if really depressed.
We fell madly in love.
I believed him when he said he was schizo-affective and not full sz. Then he managed to convince his psych that it was maybe even "circumstantial psychosis" and weaned off his meds.
We were married quickly in July 2014 and he was off meds by September. Right away we had our first fight that was aggressive and he broke his hand punching a wall. I was so surprised.
Fights like that continued sporadically. I thought it was always my fault for years. The sweet kind gentle loving attentive respectful man I married was disappearing quickly and the obsessions started.
We moved to FL from NJ one year ago. He definitely got worse. But I still didn't see it for what it was it was such a slow buildup even though it started right after he went off meds. Of course I only have that hindsight now. At first it was shocking breakup fights where he wanted to "go be a sage" "live in the streets" we approached it as a relationship problem and tried to fix it but he got worse. He definitely has become physically aggressive so completely something he would never do it's just mind blowing. This illness has a mind of its own I keep saying. Vicious goes for the heart the deepest fears.
The day before thanksgiving like 6-7 weeks ago he was up for days he was so out of it I finally saw what was happening and when I fell asleep after days up with him he left the house and got picked up and put in the hospital.
In Florida they just keep letting him out after one shot or one dose and it's makinghin worse. He's nastier more violent etc. he contacted his old girlfriends and other girls and opened up lines of inappropriate communication for a married man. Tonight will be his fourth hospital visit since the end of November.
I believe he hates me now. I cant distinguish between what he says and what he means. "I love you no I don't I want a divorce I can't live without you I hate you in sorry" etc. He feels I am keeping him trapped and he wants to divorce me. Also shocking as he has adored me since we met.
His father is in NJ and I guess since I'm his wife it's up to me. His stepmother is here in Florida but she's got a 14 yr old daughter my sister in law and I told them it's not safe for them and they know it anyway.
He refuses treatment he claims he is not sick but my husband would never hurt me like this and laugh at my pain. It's evil. He cannot will not accept his diagnosis. He has been hospitalized at least 8 times in 6 years. When we first got together he religiously took his meds he was amazing. I don't have all the faith I did that he will come back to me.
I don't know if I am strong enough for what I have to do. Tonight may be the end of our marriage anyway he jumped on me and was smacking me and kneeling on me and I had to call the police.
He will see that as a betrayal and he will just think "I don't trust him or believe in him"
He claims he is choosing to treat me this way. I see that with other people he can reign it in more but not by much.
Lately his ultimatums are exhausting if I don't do this he's going to divorce me if I don't accept him talking to other girls he's going to divorce me nasty screaming in my face pushing pounding on doors yesterday he pretended he was going to wack me with the guitar. I keep having to store Higgs in the car. Which he jumped on and dented and scraped a line in the glass with a giant shard of broken bathroom mirror he smashed for laughs
Can other spouses give me advice? Do I let him walk out? I just feel like I can't. He met a meth head he knows where she stays what if he ends up dead? I'm so lost.
The police that took him to the psych hospital nearby told me to divorce him and send him to Nj to his father. It was a bold thing to say but he told me "your husband isn't going to take his meds" basically said his father would have better success as his parent than I as his wife of just a few years. I feel he has chosen to destroy me and hate me. He can't hate his dad. He can hate me and blame me for his psychosis.
I thought our love would be enough. After the first hospital stay as of recent weeks he kept saying if he hurt me he would take his meds but he's been hurting me all the time and just says it's always my fault I said something wrong I looked at him.
He has shattered my self confidence I try but the comments get to me he gets vulgar in ways that horrify me and breaks my heart everyday in new ways.
Please offer me any words of advice or comfort. I am so alone in this it's horrible I'm states away from everyone and the laws in my new state seem to be screwing us.
I just want the love of my life back in my life the way he was before. Is that even possible? Is he forever changed? He's 26.
His resentment for me runs deep now can that ever be reversed?
Thank you for listening I'm sorry to sort of go everywhere with my post I'm just so shaken up and upset and sad I hope you understand thanks everyone