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New to this and husband refusing treatment


#1

Where do I even begin. We met in a program in July 2013. I was there for PTSD and depression and impulse disorders as an iop which I placed myself in. He was coming out of his second or third inpatient for several weeks. I personally have never been hospitalized just psychs and a couple programs if really depressed.

We fell madly in love.
I believed him when he said he was schizo-affective and not full sz. Then he managed to convince his psych that it was maybe even “circumstantial psychosis” and weaned off his meds.
We were married quickly in July 2014 and he was off meds by September. Right away we had our first fight that was aggressive and he broke his hand punching a wall. I was so surprised.
Fights like that continued sporadically. I thought it was always my fault for years. The sweet kind gentle loving attentive respectful man I married was disappearing quickly and the obsessions started.
We moved to FL from NJ one year ago. He definitely got worse. But I still didn’t see it for what it was it was such a slow buildup even though it started right after he went off meds. Of course I only have that hindsight now. At first it was shocking breakup fights where he wanted to “go be a sage” “live in the streets” we approached it as a relationship problem and tried to fix it but he got worse. He definitely has become physically aggressive so completely something he would never do it’s just mind blowing. This illness has a mind of its own I keep saying. Vicious goes for the heart the deepest fears.

The day before thanksgiving like 6-7 weeks ago he was up for days he was so out of it I finally saw what was happening and when I fell asleep after days up with him he left the house and got picked up and put in the hospital.
In Florida they just keep letting him out after one shot or one dose and it’s makinghin worse. He’s nastier more violent etc. he contacted his old girlfriends and other girls and opened up lines of inappropriate communication for a married man. Tonight will be his fourth hospital visit since the end of November.

I believe he hates me now. I cant distinguish between what he says and what he means. “I love you no I don’t I want a divorce I can’t live without you I hate you in sorry” etc. He feels I am keeping him trapped and he wants to divorce me. Also shocking as he has adored me since we met.

His father is in NJ and I guess since I’m his wife it’s up to me. His stepmother is here in Florida but she’s got a 14 yr old daughter my sister in law and I told them it’s not safe for them and they know it anyway.

He refuses treatment he claims he is not sick but my husband would never hurt me like this and laugh at my pain. It’s evil. He cannot will not accept his diagnosis. He has been hospitalized at least 8 times in 6 years. When we first got together he religiously took his meds he was amazing. I don’t have all the faith I did that he will come back to me.

I don’t know if I am strong enough for what I have to do. Tonight may be the end of our marriage anyway he jumped on me and was smacking me and kneeling on me and I had to call the police.
He will see that as a betrayal and he will just think "I don’t trust him or believe in him"
He claims he is choosing to treat me this way. I see that with other people he can reign it in more but not by much.

Lately his ultimatums are exhausting if I don’t do this he’s going to divorce me if I don’t accept him talking to other girls he’s going to divorce me nasty screaming in my face pushing pounding on doors yesterday he pretended he was going to wack me with the guitar. I keep having to store Higgs in the car. Which he jumped on and dented and scraped a line in the glass with a giant shard of broken bathroom mirror he smashed for laughs

Can other spouses give me advice? Do I let him walk out? I just feel like I can’t. He met a meth head he knows where she stays what if he ends up dead? I’m so lost.

The police that took him to the psych hospital nearby told me to divorce him and send him to Nj to his father. It was a bold thing to say but he told me “your husband isn’t going to take his meds” basically said his father would have better success as his parent than I as his wife of just a few years. I feel he has chosen to destroy me and hate me. He can’t hate his dad. He can hate me and blame me for his psychosis.

I thought our love would be enough. After the first hospital stay as of recent weeks he kept saying if he hurt me he would take his meds but he’s been hurting me all the time and just says it’s always my fault I said something wrong I looked at him.

He has shattered my self confidence I try but the comments get to me he gets vulgar in ways that horrify me and breaks my heart everyday in new ways.

Please offer me any words of advice or comfort. I am so alone in this it’s horrible I’m states away from everyone and the laws in my new state seem to be screwing us.

I just want the love of my life back in my life the way he was before. Is that even possible? Is he forever changed? He’s 26.
His resentment for me runs deep now can that ever be reversed?

Thank you for listening I’m sorry to sort of go everywhere with my post I’m just so shaken up and upset and sad I hope you understand thanks everyone


#2

Hi loyaljazzy,
I just found this site tonight and i hope you recieve my response. I’m only 2 mo. into my new reality with my ex’s mental illness (my sons father) so I don’t have any answers for you. I just want you to know that you are in my prayers and thoughts tonight. You are not alone. Keep reaching out. You will find a way to make decisions that you can live and that will help you both by staying strong. You are strong, capable and worthy of love. One thing I am experienced with is domestic violence. PLEASE, PLEASE don’t let this continue. Talk to mental health workers, domestic violence groups. PLEASE keep extending your hand for help and know that you matter too! Big hugs to you tonight and remember to keep asking for help


#3

I know exactly how you feel, I’ve been through it too and I’m still going through it. I think you need to get a lawyer and go to the court to have him committed for a couple of months until he gets better. It’s the best thing for you and for him. Once that’s done, get yourself a therapist and don’t isolate yourself.


#4

He needs some serious help, and you either need to be strong enough to force the help (if you can) or if his father would have better success, allow him to do it.

I’m not sure where you get the idea that SZA is not as severe as SZ. SZA, to my understanding, is a mix of SZ and bipolar, and in my opinion, could be worse to deal with. It certainly sounds like he’s having a lot of problems with mania and impulse control.

This is not a relationship problem, and it’s not something either of you will be able to fix without medical help. As far as you calling the police because he hit you, it’s exactly what you should have done. You have to set some kind of boundaries, and physical violence should definitely be one. And, you may have to face that it might not be safe for you to live with him if he doesn’t get help.

My son is 27, and he’s had a really rough year - and so have I - so I know a little bit of what you’re going through. I’ve had to learn how to take my emotions out of it, step back and let him get the help he needs instead of trying to protect him. Luckily, the hospital he went to (twice on involuntary holds) were able to keep him a few weeks at a time, and put him on an injection he seems willing to stick with on the second trip.

If he’s 26, you’re probably young too. If you do get a divorce (I doubt that happens unless you initiate it) or you don’t live together temporarily, it’s not the end of the world. It would limit your legal rights to get information, but it doesn’t mean you won’t get back together when he’s well. I know plenty of people who’ve gotten divorced and remarried - or divorced and still carry on a relationship. He’s using the divorce because he knows it gets to you and he thinks he can control you with it.

The last thing I want to say is that people can be very unkind when they’re ill - things they’d never do when they’re well. However, you have to consider that maybe it’s not all the illness. Some men who don’t have a MI can be incredibly nice and loving when they start a relationship then become very abusive or uncaring as time goes on. You haven’t been together long. If he gets better and that behavior continues, you may want to consider divorce yourself if he won’t get help too. It’s a hard way to live if you stay. People have a way of thinking that someone with MI is a good person when well and a bad person when sick, but it’s not that simple. People can have bad traits that are there regardless. I hope that’s not true for you, but if you’ve deeply in love and feel responsible for him, it would be hard for you to see.


#5

Dear @LoyalJazzy, You did the right thing by calling police when you were physically assaulted. You have the right to protect yourself. You also did the right thing for your husband since he was too symptomatic to control his behavior.

You are a loving and kind person who cares so much. What I am asking you may be incredibly difficult for a young woman with PTSD and depressions (I am middle aged with same diagnoses), please give yourself love and care. Please treat yourself with the gentleness and respect you give others.

What you are going through now is another trauma. Yes, you feel lost. Which healthy coping mechanisms have you found that work for you? Are you able to access good counseling and support groups that help you?

I would consider listening to the police due to the physical abuse.

Your husband’s life is not in your hands, but the doctors and his own once he begins to recover.

Best, best, best to you.


#6

Thank you for the response. Can you believe he talked himself right out of inpatient last night and I had to go get him at 430am?

mow we are back at the center with my aunt and he says he will go in. But they denied him a bed last night.

This is shortly after he swore to me he would go into the program and take his meds but of course the promises are never kept that’s not new.

I suppose the time had come for me to let him go but it’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I know I will feel partially responsible for his life if we lose him to homelessness or drugs etc. maybe I am trying to spare myself that guilt.

He was such an amazing wonderful person when we met I’m still in shock and confusion I cry all the time from the sadness and shock.

I am struggling with feelings of guilt bc I feel I antagonized him with my disorders unintentionally.


#7

Thank you for asking about coping mechanisms. I try to read or take a bath. I take my prescribed meds. Being that I am in a new state I don’t really have friends so the loneliness is difficult esp during this time.

I set up appointments for talk therapy (all he will agree to) for us but they aren’t for another 3 weeks.

Right now he is inside the center with my aunt trying to go inpatient.

He says he will go to a group home. I am becoming alright with this idea. I’m certain that in a group home he will manage his emotions better.

As his spouse he has chosen me for his outlet for anger or blame and I truly feel I make him worse. Even if I am just sitting down minding my own business he will run into the room and scream in my face and growl and scare me and hit me.

I don’t honestly believe that this will change. He needs to blame someone for his condition bc he can’t accept his diagnoses. As long as he denies his DX then he will try to blame me or our marriage.

And potentially hurt me again.

In writing this I have stumbled upon the very important point I need to stay true to and that is that unless he accepts his diagnosis I am in some form of danger. His violence is quickly escalating every day.

But it’s like he’s obsessed he won’t leave me alone ever. I never sleep anymore I barely eat I sometimes don’t even get to shower each day I’m just a caretaker and he needs constant watching.

In the group home I am scared he could become a victim of violence or take drugs I don’t know how group homes work I think they are all different.

But perhaps he could come to appreciate that he had a nice life with me or see what blessings he had if he’s in a group home. Perhaps he will see that even with me not around he explodes. Or perhaps he will not explode anymore bc I am his trigger now. Or he could “fall in love” with yet another sick girl. Like he did twice already while inpatient.

I don’t know what the future holds. I do know that in this moment I feel that if he calls me from the center I am not sure I will answer.

Everything I do or say is wrong.

Thank you for your words again all of you helped so much already helped me think more clearly so thank you


#8

I often have this feeling: Everything I do or say is wrong.

It’s just a feeling; I hope it passes soon for you.

I sort of wonder if it’s related to PTSD. I have PTSD because I was abused. When I was a child I truly could not do anything right i.e. I could not do anything to prevent abuse and further trauma.

Now that you are traumatized again, you are naturally trying to find out whether or not you might have any control over the cause of the trauma. You don’t. Severe mental illness is not under anyone’s control.


#9

Hi I came to this site after my son 42 tried to take his life on 6 December last year. He overdosed on clozapine and ended up in hospital of course where he nearly didn’t make it but pulled though thank God. He’s been unwell for the last 13 or so years and unable to work for the last 5 years after he was in hospital the last time. Most days he spent a lot of time in his room and became more a more afraid of social situations.
Well to get to the point- I decided to do some serious research for a cure after this last scare and I came across a book by Dr Abram Hoffer called Niacin: the real story. The short story is that he’s been on 3gm of niacin and 3gms of Vit C both high dosage for the last 3 weeks and he is a different man. No psychotropic drugs helped him and made his life miserable with side effects. The doctors are aghast.
I am taking 500 milligrams of niacin a day too because I suffer from arthritis and when I read Dr Hoffer’s book I finally accepted that this disease is genetically based and that all family members can benefit from some level of niacin top up or in the case of the schizophrenic they need therapeutic doses of niacin on an ongoing basis.
Please read the book before you come back to me with any questions, as it will explain all the other indications for niacin.
Now my biggest and most welcome challenge is to help my son get socialised again.


#10

I recommend you ask about treatment options (describe your case to the lawyers who can help you at this organization): They usually help with questions about how to get people treatment in these situations.

http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/

TREATMENT ADVOCACY CENTER

200 North Glebe Road, Suite 801
Arlington, Virginia 22203
Phone: (703)294-6001

ALso - I recommend you review the videos by Xavier Amador and share all this information with your father in law:

and


#11

Will do immediately and thank you so much for the links and videos


#12

I read about Niacin a few years ago & my son was willing to try it.

I don’t think he took 3 grams to start with, but he got the hot flush they were talking about. So, I took some to see what he was talking about & it was very uncomfortable. I think I also read that if you got the slow release that minimizes the flush, it doesn’t work as good?

Did you or your son have that experience?

I kind of took it to mean that the hot flush indicated my son was not Niacin deficient, so it went down as just one more thing we tried that didn’t pan out.


#13

Yes you can use the non flush successfully. Some conditions - not schizophrenia need a straight niacin. I take it for arthritis and I’m having a lot of success You would be well served to read the book. I started my son off on 2 tabs of 500mg non flush 3 times per day and he started to recover immediately - this was from a near catatonic state of fear that seemed to be induced by the hospital giving him a form of haldol. The non flush, that is the only one available in New Zealand is expensive $35 for 50 tabs and quite hard to come by, So I went looking for the straight niacin online- it’s much cheaper from the States even with postage added, I also read in the book (Niacin the real story) that schizophrenics will sometimes not flush at all until they have their full complement aboard. Now my son is taking straight niacin (sn)1x 500 mg after breakfast and lunch and then 2 at night before bed. He also takes 1000mg of Vit C 3x daily. He has got a flush from it but that seems to be lessening and he is happy to take it to get well. On youtube you can find videos by a young man call Sun Fruit Dan - he is a fan of niacin - read the book and takes the remedy. You and your son might like to take a look.


#14

I took the near instant flush to mean that he didn’t need it - especially since what works for some don’t necessarily work for all.

Maybe I’ll see if he wants to try it again with the non-flush, but he’s doing really well on new meds right now.

I’m thinking it probably can’t hurt him.


#15

Yes please try - but have a look at the you tube videos as well there are lots of tips about dealing with the flush - or you could go for the non- flush.


#16

My son is also still on some of the psychotropic drug that didn’t work for him before and that has nasty side effects and is basically a chemical straightjacket ( only at night time ) He has come off all anti-anxiety drugs now and still no voices I believe in time he will be willing to let the clozapine go too


#17

That’s so funny - chemical straightjacket is exactly what my son would call his meds.

This new one, Invega Sustenna, doesn’t seem to be like that. It’s only been a little over a month, but I have high hopes for it.

However, his social anxiety still needs some work, so I’m always looking for something that helps there.
How did the niacin work for any social issues your son might have had?


#18

The social issues are tied to the delusions and hallucinations he will be suffering from. Once he his clear of them he will come back to the world. Let him take it at his own pace.
I have told my son you have been out of reality for 13 years and no one but you knows how that felt and what you want to do in life now. I can suggest stuff but put no expectations on him. For SZ it is the stress that triggers adrenaline that converts to adrenochrome a natural LSD in their brains the last thing they need is someone on their back as they come home.
Dr Hoffer said there are 4 things a SZ need to recover/cure. Shelter, good nutrition, respect and therapeutic doses of niacin.


#19

I’m not sure about my son - he started showing signs of general & social anxiety as a small child. And, he’s had times where the psychosis was under control and he was still anxious. In fact, if his psychosis gets bad enough, he’ll tell me he’s not anxious at all - he’s in his own dream world at that point.

He does not yet have a SZ diagnosis and it’s been 12 years since his first break. Some say yes, some say it’s the depression and anxiety pushing him to SZ. He has his own opinions of course, and he has said SZ, SZA and his current opinion is nothing is wrong with him at all other than his anxiety.

Some days, I think it would be easier if he was firmly in SZ territory instead of a grey zone so it would be clearer what he needs. Again, that’s why when he got an almost immediate flush from the Niacin and didn’t like it, I dropped the idea. I tried some too and had the same reaction - it was within minutes and like your skin was on fire. Calling it a flush was a bit too mild in my opinion - it was at least 10X worse than a hot flash for me - literally like your skin was burning from the inside out all over your body and face.


#20

@slw “Chemical Straight Jacket” term is often used in the anti-psychiatry community such as the Scientology crowd. I was briefly involved with the Anti-PM and what I found were very antiquated ideas about mental illness and not willing to be the least bit open minded. At one point it was very difficult for me to admit that my daughter had a mental illness and I believed all she needed was more love and support; also vitamins treatments, bla bla bla. Nothing really worked except medication and even meds were often problematic and caused adverse reactions. Sz is a very tricky illness.