Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

SZ Husband Refuses to See Me After Involuntary Commitment


#1

Sunday I had to have my sz husband involuntarily committed to the psych hospital after he threatened me with death/injury (off his meds for 1 month). I have to say the police and EMT’s were wonderful - but it was very scary/upsetting to him as they had to tranquilize him (holding him down) to get him out of the house. He’s refusing to see me. He’s been medicated - and showing signs of improvement and has accepted being where he is. One of his psychiatrists has recommended that I don’t try to see him tonight (I have tried twice-Sun, Mon, didn’t go Tuesday, but was thinking of going tonite to see if he would) as he’s better, but still not talking much/was grumpy today. His other psychiatrist said sure, give it a try. He hasn’t asked for me or mentioned my name. He did sign a form saying the doctors/staff could talk to me and let me know how he is doing, but I’m not sure how stable he was when he signed that because they had just started the medication. So I’m not too sure if I should read any acceptance of me by him in that.

Also: How did you handle your loved one not wanting to see you? Did you still try every day or did you take the staff’s advice? I think its important that he know I haven’t deserted him-even if he refuses to see me, but I’m also aware that it may upset him even more by having me show up (in any case, they won’t let me in anyway unless he says ok). Also what did you say to them to help make them understand why you did what you did (have them involuntarily committed) and did they forgive you? If they didn’t - how did you handle it when they came home?


#2

You have to give it a few days, make no contact so that way he misses you. Just be honest with them and say why you felt that you needed to take action during that moment and how seeing them like that made you feel or how you felt when they said or did something. Use “I” statements, avoid “you” statements.

  • I felt…
  • I think that I…
  • When I saw that you I…
  • I thought…
  • I know…
  • I believe/d…

Important things to say:

  • I understand.
  • I am sorry.
  • I forgive you. (This is imperative because it makes them realize that they did something wrong and gives them some emotional relief simulataneously. It is better saying “I forgiving you,” than “It’s okay/It’s alright,” which implies that the action itself was okay and honestly, it is not.)

#3

Ok, that may be better to wait. Give time for the meds to work and maybe as you said he’ll miss me and also be able to take in what I say. Thanks for the advice on how to address what happened-I really appreciate this. I’m going to print your answer out and keep reading it.


#4

Anytime, hopefully he decides he wants see/speak with you soon by himself.


#5

Hang in there. I too would give it some time. When my son was involuntarily committed he wouldn’t see anyone for a few weeks. Wouldn’t talk to anyone on the phone or accept visitors, even his siblings and friends. He was P.O.'d. But after the meds started working the intense anger started to slowly go away and he asked me to come. My son was very, very ill. Yelling profanities at everyone - this is opposite his real personality. It took a very long time before he would see everyone. Still had anger even after 5 or 6 weeks. He’s back to himself now and I’m able to talk to him. I explained that psychosis is very frightening to be around. No one will put up with it if you go off your meds again. Since his mind is well, he fully understands and agrees. When they are sick, you may not get too far with the conversation. I didn’t think my son would ever come fully back and he did, in time. It’s been 6 months and it’s still getting better all the time. He’s on injection as he was not medicine compliant, but that’s another story. I was as afraid as you are that it wouldn’t improve, and it did! hugs


#6

Thanks, JulieAnn. You give me hope-the anger that your son felt is what I feel from my husband. I guess I worry that if I don’t make the effort and wait, he may feel like I’ve deserted him or don’t care. Did you worry about that as well? I don’t know if that is a real concern or its because I just feel I need to do something.


#7

Yes, it is okay to not go if he isn’t up for the visit. One thing that I found helpful was to talk the the nurse who was assigned to him each day, and ask that they tell my son that I called to say hi, and hope he’s feeling better, and that I will come when he is ready.


#8

Yes, I worried about that as well. I didn’t want him to think we were abandoning him or didn’t love him. I think vallpen has a great idea. In time with the right meds his mood will improve. I’m new to this so I can only speak from my experience. I also felt I wanted to “fix it” or “help him” but I couldnt. Its hard to step back and wait, but we can only do so much. Hang in there…


#9

Can you write a note?

Hi, I love you. I have been told by the doctors and nurses that you don’t wish to see me. Please call me or let the doctors and nurses know if you would like me to visit and I will. Love,


#10

I drove 45 minutes to be turned away and that he didn’t want visitors. After that I called first and asked the nurse to ask him and it was mostly yes. I think the choice is respectful.


#11

Great idea! Hereandhere


#12

Calling to get a sense of how a visit might go is a good idea. I sometimes would tell the staff to tell my son to call me when he is ready for a visit, and he eventually would. On some visits, he could only go a short time, and then anger would start up, and the staff would help me leave. But just communicating in some way that you will come and that he knows you are not turning away can be helpful.


#13

It’s amazing how we just forget all of this happened until someone else is going through it and we have to relive all the unpleasant things and feelings and remembrances of past discomforts. I don’t think that is a bad thing though because for me it is as though I blocked it and somehow helping someone else go through similar situations is incredibly therapeutic. It might just keep us all healthier in the long run. God bless this group and may we each have an awesome weekend with our families.


#14

Plus the feeling that none of us are really alone, even when it seems like it.


#15

That is right, and we don’t have to burn out our friends talking about something they can’t even relate to.


#16

I thought that was a good thing to do so I did that yesterday. I’m not sure if they gave him the message or not, but when I called today to ask if he would see me, they said yes, he wants to see you. I went up and things went well. He was very happy to see me-still confused and psychotic/talking to voices-and he asked if he was crazy because he was hearing voices. I wasn’t sure how to respond, but I told him he’s not crazy, but he has a mental illness and he needs to take care of himself. He remembers causing a commotion on Sunday - and he was glad that I still wanted to see him. And would I come tomorrow. I know things can change as he gets more stable-he may still get angry, but we’ll see. I still want him to stay on his meds or he can’t come home. Its hard, if he wasn’t violent off his meds, it would be a different story, but the violence-no, I can’t do that.


#17

That was helpful to me, (Calling to get a sense of how a visit might go is a good idea. I sometimes would tell the staff to tell my son to call me when he is ready for a visit, and he eventually would. On some visits, he could only go a short time, and then anger would start up, and the staff would help me leave. But just communicating in some way that you will come and that he knows you are not turning away can be helpful) I used that yesterday and even tomorrow I’lll call and ask if he’s ok with me visiting that day. Thanks!


#18

@ANNECHANG, I’m glad I was able to help!


#19

I just wanted to let you all know that after 4 days waiting to see my husband, he finally agreed to see me & greeted me with hugs and tears of relief that I was there. He did ask why I called the police & didn’t believe he did that to me, later after taking meds, he was mostly anxious to reassure me it was the CIA not him, he’d never try to hurt me or talk to me that way. Now after even more time he realizes how sick he was and the meds are necessary to control his illness. I followed your different advices-very helpful! He’s been in hospital 3 weeks, the new meds Ambilify is working (after trying Risperadone which never worked for him), he’s aware the meds are good for him & he needs them. He’s coming home probably next week. Mahalo Nui to you all.