Sometimes he gets it. Sometimes he says, “Bria please help me. I feel my mind falling deep and I’m scared. I need help, I need something before I fall back into these thoughts and just want to kill myself…I feel it getting worse!”
Other times he has no idea, “You think I’m crazy Bria but I know everything. You can stop lieing. You should probably take medication, you’re the one going crazy, you ever think of that?”
So sometimes I wonder…what if I recorded our phone calls. Or atleast a phone call in which he understood? What if I replayed it back to him? Would he hear himself and remember? Or would he fall back into a delusion and start thinking I’m “one of them” and drugged him and made him say this. After all this isn’t the car accident Drew Barrymore was in in Fifty First Dates. He really believes these out of the world thoughts.
My mind is starting to spiral and I feel like my grandma who cries over everything, but it’s my brother. I cry for him. We haven’t spoke for three days, we usually speak multiple times every day. My mind wanders, what if he attempted suicide? What if he’s angry with me again? What if he forgot me and never calls again? What if he has no one to talk to and begins to sink deeper than I can pull him out of. I’m here eyes and hands on the phone waiting, checking even in the middle of work. The worry sits in me like a cold and it’s spreading. What if, what if, I can’t ignore the out of the world ideas because now they are real WHAT IF,