You unfortunately have it 100% right here. Your choices are take action (and they won’t be fun actions - I know it’s hard stuff) or continue to live with these very real concerns, risks and stagnation and take whatever consequences come with it.
If I may be so bold you should also research co-dependency. When someone is a caregiver it is for some personality types (such as myself) really easy to fall into a co-dependent relationship. This may be what has happened with your son and you wife-I don’t know. But her not pushing him to do what he needs to do to take care of himself and better himself is more harmful to him in the long run than all these things she is doing to try and make his life better and easier. And you sound like you are getting close to the limit of what you can take-this dynamic could damage the marriage. You gotta do something my friend, for your own piece of mind if nothing else.
What arguments have you made with your wife for going to NAMI, or counseling, or anything? May be it’s time to bring out the big guns, and say “I cannot live like this forever, things need to change, we need help.” (Which is still a little less strong than what I would say). What would happen if you did that? Pushed harder?