Short version of a complex question. My husband has done some of the things, although not consistent that he is supposed to do according to the doctor. I suspect it’s primarily due to the financial aspect with his disability more than anything and occasionally to appease me but I honestly believe he really has no idea what impact this has or really even that he has an illness. Today, even though we have been so unbelievably broke I find he has spent thousands of dollars in two months on a computer game yet screamed at me for it saying it has no effect on me. We had about three good weeks. Now it’s worse. He said he’s been talking to his day about divorcing me and says there is no such thing as lying by ommition. He thinks if you don’t say it it’s not a lie and I am frustrated right now. He is no longer just angry when he is caught in something or in what he feels is questioning him…it’s different now. It’s less emotional and more cold, more hate. I am really needing some insight today. There is so much I don’t understand and I have to be secretive about reading anything because his paranoia engages and he is furious I am trying to fix him.
Oh George, sigh, this must be so hard for you.
Anosognosia with schizophrenia is very very common. Only after years on medication is my daughter able to look back at her years with psychosis, hallucinations and delusions, and see that she was “in another place”. She still doesn’t think she was ill, just that her “special beings” were controlling her, and now she can more control them.
Perhaps your loved one isn’t lying, but suffering from delusions that are true to him and very very real. You can’t talk him out of his delusions. You are bound to be very frustrated with his incorrect assessments of reality. It is very common for an ill loved one to mistrust and be angry at his closest caregiver. It is a horrible feeling to be verbally (or maybe physically) attacked when we are only trying to help.
Do find a way to care for yourself and to educate yourself on schizophrenia. You must keep yourself strong and healthy and be aware of ways that might help you improve your life and his mental health. This is a lifelong battle you are fighting.
Again. Thank you. I don’t know how you’ve done this for so long. I spent 17 years with my first husband who was abusive…I never wanted to go through this again. I can’t tell anymore what is the disease and what isn’t. I can’t tell what is his choice in his actions amd how much is reaction with the illness and what is true for him. It’s a new kind of hell and makes walking daily on eggshells a really sad confusing mess. There are days honestly I would rather be hit…like wake up every day and know at 2 o’clock I would get punched in the face and it would be over. I wouldn’t be waiting for it, wondering what is going to trigger him to lose it. Ok nobody wants to be hit but you know what I mean. The jump scare. It’s like living in some bad horror movie waiting for the bad guy to jump out at any time waiting…just freaking waiting. Changing everything I say and do, avoiding eye contact, second guessing everything. My doc put my on BP meds because we can’t seem to get my pressure down and offered to give me meds to knock me out at night but I have gotten so hyperaware… don’t know, maybe even a little paranoid that he is going to have that break in the middle of the night and being knocked out probably isn’t the best idea. You have been really helpful to me the last few months. I appreciate it more than you know and thanks for letting me vent. It feels good to feel like I am in a safe place even if it’s just for a minute or two.
Oh @GEORGE I understand everything you are going through, I remember the feelings that lived with me always even when her demons were quiet. The walking on eggshells, the wondering when the break was coming, the unpredictability of my life, the lack of sleep and poor health for myself… I, too, felt like this forum was a safe place, maybe the only safe place, I had to go to. Please continue to come here for your own sake, I found it like a lifeline in a storm to know that others understood and were out there fighting. It is OK to be on this forum either just lurk or post, and both are OK.