Caregivers, how do you navigate the relationship with your spouse/partner?

Sometimes I’m really wondering who’s worse? The person with mental health issues that’s diagnosed or the ‘normal’ that says he/she’s fine and behaves otherwise. Of course it’s frustrating! I’m sure you know you can’t please everyone. Your husband can visit his parents and his sister without you and your kids, or you can meet in an open area where there’s plenty of space and people, it doesn’t have to be your house, this can be upsetting for him but due to the circumstances he can come up with suggestions himself where safety is top priority for everyone concerned. You already know what to expect of him so stand up firm and calm and explain to him what you just said in here so you and your kids rather not visit with them no ifs and buts. I’m surprised that his SMI goes out with her parents for a visit, if I ask my son if he wants to go over one of his siblings (now that he’s medicated) he usually says no, I know he feels uncomfortable and stressed up so I rather have him stay home or visit his only friend for couple of hours, when he’s unmedicated he doesn’t want to go anywhere with us and I don’t really ask him either. This is stressful for everyone concerned, in our world we take one day at a time and some days is only a moment at a time. Does your husband have other siblings?
You are in a hard predicament because no one takes the courage to get that SMI the help she needs and the in laws may have learned to ‘deal’ with her but crisis is their horizon sooner or later.
Is your husband being a good father to his kids or does he spend time and energy with his parents and SMI?
Not easy Q&A.
It’s a disorder that affects the entire family.
I hope you have better days.
Hugs.

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You’re so right, sometimes it’s hard to tell who is worse in his family.

He has an older brother who generally seems to have a more realistic view of the situation but who also has not been able to get their parents to do anything differently. He also does not seem to struggle with boundaries in the same way, the first time SMI was verbally abusive to his wife and his parents just sat by and watched, he didn’t see them again for months.

My husband is a good dad and for now he’s not diverting resources or excessive amounts of time away from his kids. But then again does a good dad put his kids at unnecessary risk because he doesn’t want to deal with his own feelings or because he doesn’t want to deal with pushback from his mother?

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It’d be really helpful for your husband to attend the NAMI family to family classes, they’re free of charge and I myself am currently taking it for the 3rd time and I’m so glad I signed up for them; the first 2 times we both (my husband and me) attended and they were 12 classes on a weekly basis for 2 hours, this time it’s only 8 classes and I really like them because it seems that they have improved, it’s now 2:30 hours long; I’m suggesting it since I think he doesn’t want to attend therapy with you.
Some of us parents have gone through hard experiences, and I gather that his parents either they are in denial or they feel like this is something shameful. It’s not! I think 2-3 decades ago people hush hush this issues, I know some sisters at the church are about my age and I know this particular sister was very quiet but one day we started to talk after she had seen me crying many times and she shared with me about her mom: she had a mental disorder, she was a child, she was sent to live with her grandma, her mom passed away and nobody was telling her anything about her, with time she found out that her mom had committed the unthinkable and she grew up kind of angry.
Anyhow, I myself have learned some lessons the hard way, I hope they don’t go through this experiences but looks like there’s no other way for them. Time will tell but I strongly believe your husband need to attend those classes the least. It would be helpful for you if he does that.
It’s an investment for everyone concerned.

Hugs to you.

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I forgot to tell you that in trying to improve ourselves we may go forward 2 steps and 3 steps back. No worries, we’re humans, no one will be perfect in this world; it happens because as one dear sister would say: we are trying to leave behind behaviors we were automatically reacting to. I’ve been there and done that.

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Well an unhappy update: the situation with my husband’s SMI sister continues to get worse. I truly believe she is no longer a safe person for my children to be around and my husband doesn’t see it. We are in discernment counseling now and I’ve retained a divorce attorney who specializes in custody cases where there is a SMI family member involved. The attorney says I have a very strong case to get custody arrangements that include a no contact with SIL provision. If the court order were to be ignored then there’s a good chance I could get sole physical custody. Not my preferred way to address this, but if a court order is what it takes to keep my kids safe and force my likely soon to be ex-husband to not expose them to SIL then I feel like I don’t have a choice.

I’m still in therapy and working on my strong feelings of resentment for my in-laws.

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Thank you for the update.
It’s so sad how this illness just destroys everything and everyone in its path at times.
I hope your sister in law gets some help; this sounds like an incredibly frustrating situation.

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I am wondering how you are doing @BDinVA1 . This is such a stressful time for you, I hope you are keeping yourself and your kids safe. I agree with using the courts as needed, as sometimes that is the only way to force a needed change. Best of luck to you always. Hope and luck are something every family needs when dealing with SMI.

Thank you for your kind message @oldladyblue. Unfortunately SIL went off medication completely for a while and during that time started hitting her father and making 911 calls that caused a lot of unsafe situations for father in law and also started shutting off utilities to the house. My in laws decided not to tell us any of this was going on and bring her up to visit while she was unmedicated and physically violent. We found out when she started hitting her dad in front of my kids. That was the last straw for me. She isn’t safe, my in-laws can’t be trusted, and my husband needs to accept that she can’t be around our kids anymore if he wants our marriage to continue. I am pretty depressed (and getting help for it) but also resolute. My 3 year old is now very afraid of her and I feel guilty that I let this happen - I should have continued no contact with SIL.

Oh @BDinVA1 it makes me sad to hear of the chaos that your SIL has caused. That type of violent and destructive behavior should have alarmed your in-laws and husband long ago. But I guess they have become used to the trauma. Unfortunately, now it has traumatized your 3 year old too. I agree that you must do whatever you can to separate your children and yourself from the unpredictable behavior of SIL. Divorce is never easy. Even when there isn’t a SMI person affecting the entire family. Please keep care of yourself and your children as your priority. I am glad you are getting help for your depression and you are resolute about what future actions you should take.

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I’m sure you’ve already thought of it, but if his sister goes to an adult family home, he can visit her all he wants. He can hang out there all day if he wants. He could take her coffee every morning, and pray with her every night. He could see her MWF, or on weekends or holidays, or every day. I always wonder why families put up with so much strain when other options are so much more tolerable. Insurance must pay a big part of it, I would figure. I’m glad your husband agrees his sister should not be alone with the children. And I understand his bias letting her get away with behavior he wouldn’t tolerate from others. Bias is a mysterious thing. Anyhow, I don’t think he should be her main care giver because the main care giver should live with the person, and you two have already agreed not to live with her. I hope you and he can work this out. It sounds like there might be times when it’s not ideal. Consider having an RV or second home, or some other escape valve. Remember the ages of your children which concern you the most so that you can have a perspective of how you want life to be after the kids are no longer as vulnerable. If you stay married and his values clash with yours, make sure you have a lot of good things in your life, like the ability to grab the kids and go to a movie, or take them to day care and go get your hair cut. Buying your way out of problems does help. Always have an overnight bag packed for you and each child, at all times in your trunk, and make sure you have your own vehicle. Use those overnight bags. Launder and keep the items in them fresh. Keep drinks and snacks in there and periodically cycle through them just to keep them fresh. Because during a real crisis if you have to grab the children and leave, fast food might not be open, money might be short, you could already be hungry as you leave but get caught in a traffic jam, or the car could even stall out. So be prepared. Buy, assemble, organize and maintain an escape system. Arrange your freedom in advance so that when a crisis occurs, you can still be the pleasant wife with a pleasant life. Most problems don’t last longer than a matinee movie. I know you can cope with your challenges if you want to. Coping can buy you time, forestalling any drastic decisions.

Even if you have to drop the children off somewhere safe while you head to work or some other place, when they are older, they will look back proudly, knowing that you helped them help their dad’s sister because she had mental illness. People like to help each other so as long as your children are taken care of, they won’t resent having had a slightly unusual childhood. And remind your husband that as a man, with larger frame and muscles, of course he feels he can protect the kids from her. But you are probably smaller and not as strong so he needs to keep your feelings in mind, especially if he leaves the room to use the restroom or to go start the car while his sister is being dangerous. He should be mindful to protect you and the children from her - not expect you to take this like a man so to speak. Maybe he can bring in a helper, just someone physically strong, to be there when you and the children are vulnerable around her. Maybe part of the home or an outbuilding can be behind a high, dense fence with a locked gate or vehicle gate like they have at adult family homes. I’m sure you know sharp instruments, blunt objects and chemicals (bleach, etc…) should be locked up, too, if his sister is there. It’s safer for her that way, too. A tall file cabinet centrally located could do that.

Marital counseling could help, too, depending on the counselor’s insights. Remember when the children are teens you will be approaching menopause so these years right now are the years to enjoy your sexuality as well as your sleep, before perimenopause and menopause. Don’t let the current problem unwittingly sabotage your chance at sexual fulfillment during this prime of your life. It would be ideal if you could plan in advance the age at which certain decisions (like divorce) should be made so that when you are old and look back, you have pleasant memories knowing that you looked out for your own long-term best interests while raising children in a situation that honestly some people could define as domestic violence (psychological abuse). If you feel your values and your husband’s values can’t abide, it might only be a temporary problem. On the other hand, if the two of you really weren’t able to abide, then some might say the sooner you divorce, the better, so that you can do your healing for a year and then get on with your own life raising your children and seeking a safer partner. I’m not saying to stay or go, but to make your decisions with long-term perspective. You are between a rock and a hard place but it is not black and white. You still have lots of choices of coping mechanisms, the grace to decide in advance what years are going to be the worst and why, and whether or not the marriage is going to work out.

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Thank you for your thoughtful message and suggestions.

I’m not willing to live or make my children live in situation that requires constantly being on high alert, ready to leave in an instant or relying on their dad to protect them. No kids should have to live like that. If all that is necessary it means it’s not a healthy or safe way to live.

SIL is not a safe person and my husband has shown he is not capable of setting and enforcing the boundaries needed because if her severe mental illness. I agree that living in unusual situations is sometimes ok for kids, but this is a situation where there is verbal and physical abuse. That’s not ever ok to expose kids to and my job is to make sure that doesn’t happen. Unfortunately the ball is in my husband’s court - he can accept that his sister will not be part of the kid’s lives or we can separate. This is a scenario where he can’t be a daily presence in her life and keep his immediate family together.

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@BDinVA1
I am going to be more direct than others. Leave your husband. The fact that he even
considers having his sister in your life is horrible especially after everything you have said has happened. His parents are in denial and are being abused by their daughter.
Your kids are young still and they have their whole lives ahead of them. They are the most important and second is you. Do not let your sister-in-law and your husband ruin your life.
My parents would have never tolerated behavior like this with my brother. They would have thrown him out, even if it meant homelessness. Luckily he was never violent.
Your life and the lives of your children are NUMBER 1. You have done everything you can to make your husband try to see things from a rationale perspective.
Do not feel guilty. Your life will be better.

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Here are some tips Caregivers, you navigate relationship with your partner/Spouse

  1. For Better or Worse.
  2. Prepare for Change.
  3. Reassess Your Roles.
  4. Resist Taking on Everything.
  5. Avoid Isolation.
  6. Cultivate Healthy Communication.
  7. Be Open to Intimacy.
  8. Guard Against Depression.