My 41 yo son has made threats towards my 27 yo daughter who has done nothing to him. He has some delusions about her and now she is afraid of him. My son lives with me and I would like him to live separately since I can’t have her come to see me.
When I retire I wanted to live closer to my daughter but she doesn’t want my son to move to the same city. Currently I am about 2 -1/2 hours away from my daughter.
It creates a problem because I would have to have him live fairly far away and I think he needs some med surveillance.
Plus there is the added expense of maintaining 2 homes.
But I do want to live separately from my son as he is a messy guy and it is a pia to deal with.
I feel like he has become more dependent since living w me and isn’t working. He has applied for SS but it is in process and there is a lawyer involved.
Anyone done a special needs trust ?
I recently did a full package of documents with an attorney: will, special needs trust, POA, living will, etc., after getting a life insurance policy that will fund the trust (the trust is the beneficiary) on my death. My home is paid for, there is a steady income from the tenants in the back, and my daughter will live in it until her death when it will pass to my two sons (one of whom is the trustee and who will still rent out to tenants and pay the bills until she passes).
I considered selling my home (paid off) this year in order to buy another property where my daughter could live separately from me, but changed my mind when I realized I had the best (imperfect) plan that will work already in place. I could not afford two households, plain and simple.
The mental calmness it brought to me to have all of the legalities taken care of was immense. I am proceeding to get her on disability if I can, and to hopefully get her accepted for state run vocational rehabilitation aimed at part time employment.
I don’t know how you can solve your living situation, but most lawyers will do a first interview for a small fee, or perhaps for free. The advice I got from my lawyer helped bring clarity to me on how to proceed.
Good luck sorting things out for your family. I hope you find more peace.
@Terry, I feel, if at all possible financially, and if your son is fairly stable, separate living arrangement is best for everyone involved. Perhaps execute the separate living arrangement after the SSI kicks in? If it’s draining you and he’s becoming increasingly more dependent on you, I don’t believe it’s healthy for either one of you. My son was very young when I had no other option than to find him his own place. At the time it tore me up inside, but now that he’s alittle older, and has been on his own for a few years, and I see that he’s doing ok, I feel alittle better. I couldn’t get him to live with me now, even if I wanted him to. I think he likes having his own space, and even with his condition, he often tells me he does not wish to be babied, and says “it would feel weird to live with you mom”. He also has an older brother who constantly reminds and encourages him that he can do this. My younger son adores his older brother, which helps, not sure about the other way around though.
Wishing you the best. I know we make sacrifices for our children, but if you feel he can manage, I believe separation is best, for both of you, emotionally and mentally.
While I encourage setting up a trust or any long term plan, I don’t know much about the mechanics as my father and sister constructed my brother’s with help from lawyers. As with retirement it pays to plan early and consider taxes.
My brother lives in the same city as my parents in a house the trust owns. There were physical altercations with family members that precipitated this move. We have the added wrinkle that my brother knows that he stands to inherit money and my parents have been actively keeping him in the dark about how inheritance will work. When he’s drunk, belligerent and delusional he rants about hypothetically ‘getting rid of people’ to get what he’s owed.
In a spectacular set of projections, he has this notion that he had been living with my parents all these years to take care of them and while he’s been paid an allowance, he deserves a payout for services rendered. He also rants often about my other brother trying to help my parents with various things around the house and generally trying to make their lives easier. (This comes out of frustration from my mother when the other brother doesn’t deliver due to disordered thinking of his illness) His rants are rooted an amalgam of sibling rivalry, and insecurities brought on by a perception of people muscling-in on his role as ‘caregiver’ and consequently his inheritance.
For a long time, I’ve projected neutrality to him and said I didn’t want or need any inheritance. My other brother has some negative traits, and does some things I don’t agree with, but they seem borne out of lack of awareness rather than malice. Recently my sister became involved with my parents finances and clued me in to the mechanics of the trust and inheritance. I could write a whole treatise on compartmentalization when you grow up in a family touched by mental illness, especially when you also have a mental illness, but suffice it to say, I’m keeping the details to myself for everyone’s protection. I have no idea if any other siblings know details of the plan. While I’m concerned what may happen to us all emotionally when our parents die, at least the finances and care for my brother are well planned out.
We have a special needs trust in our will, but I know you could also appoint someone else as the “payee” while yoo are still living.
One of my sons has severe autism and lives in a group home. His social security goes into a bank account, and staff members can use the money for special outings.
I hope you can find a good setting for your son. It is hard when they threaten others!
@Terry, I can’t imagine living with my son 24/7, around the clock. I think he would suck what little life I have in me right out of me. I used to think if I love my son, I should be living in the same house with him, so I can take care of him. But that is the last thing thing he wants, and he’s doing better now than when we lived together. And so true, if they’re going to go lose their mind again, it doesn’t matter whether they live with us or not. We can’t stop it.
Hope things work out, so both of you can get some sense of peace.