After 20 years receiving mental health services (counseling & medication)…I relate to everything Schizophrenia.
I just found out 2 days ago after researching ‘dopamine’ online.
I am currently experiencing a horrible physical health crisis…and, dopamine levels was part of the conversation.
Reading about dopamine a lot of the articles related to Schizophrenia.
When I read about Schizophrenia…my life makes all the sense. I am 40 years old.
I never even looked into Schizophrenia because, you know…all I know about it is…Hollywood Schizophrenia.
I am not Hollywood Schizophrenia…which is often portrayed as someone in a skid row…type lifestyle.
Let’s just say…I clean up well when I absolutely have to…but, at home and in private things could not be so different.
I just saw a new psychiatrist last week. We bumped heads. Doctor was mostly focus on my mental health history from long time ago and especially my childhood.
Like I said, I am 40. I was never diagnosed with any mental health disorders as a child because I was a neglected child. I grew up very poor so there was no money for doctors.
Medicines…? What is that!!!
I was lucky to get a single Hall lozenge from my parents when I had the full blown flu!
I got by as a child hustling.
I took a job at 13 bussing tables which took care of my food (my parents did not buy much food…I often went hungry), school clothes, etc. I even had to pay for school things on my own…such as …Field trips. Whatever it took to ‘look normal’ in front of my peers. I was very ashamed of my home life.
In class I also got by hustling. I studied what I could and passed those classes. On my weak subjects, I cheated on tests, plagiarized my papers, and I was the Queen of Guessing on multiple question tests. Just got lucky and managed to get good scores on those tests.
I remember… I totally blanked out on my ACT. Question…after question…and, I did not know the answer. I just started bubbling in the answer sheet. When my score came back as a 25…I nearly fainted!
Some teachers did notice my struggle of being ‘slower’ than the rest of the normal kids and were kind to me. I didn’t get in trouble if I turned in assignment lates, offered separate extra credit and sometimes they talked to me when I did not score good grades. I was allowed to re-take the same test…which lowered my test anxiety significantly…and, I would pass my tests these way.
Hustling is how these Schizophrenia symptoms were masked.
I just thought…life is not easy! When you come from a difficult childhood…many things are your normal.
I have never taken a drink, smoke or done drugs…so, I have never been exposed to social services serving at risk people. I think this type of counseling focuses on intervention and rehabilitation service would have better served someone like me. Basic life coping skills. Relationships. Employment.
I went to my first psychiatrist at age 20 when I got health insurance at school. This has been my care.
So, now! I take 2 medicines. 1 for 20 years and the other 6 years.
The medicine of 20 years she took away! I think because I was not diagnosed as a child.
She was very firm and asked me 3 times.
I told her twice I had symptoms. Then she asked me the third time…and, I said no. My parents never took me to any doctor.
What part of child abuse and child neglect did this doctor did not understand???
I mean…at 20 and in college…you are still a child…eh?? ‘Young adult’ I knew something was always wrong.
I took the initiative to get out of my childhood hell. Seek psychiatric help. Attend college.
I have always been the child and parent. Grew up fast in this way.
I have never blamed my parents for anything. Or, used my childhood as an excuse for my failures. I left and never looked back. I have not talked to them for over 20 years.
It is so wrong to blame children for their own child abuse or neglect.
I feel she did this me and it has made me so upset and I am still left shaken.
She scolded me for not taking my medicine on the regular even though I told her the …breaks…were because I did not access to health insurance. I could not afford the visits or medication. This is a 20 year HISTORY.
I think this is why she took it away. For not taking it regularly in 20 years!
If these psychiatrists (the ones who can prescribed these medicines) did not charge $300 an hour…then maybe we can afford to go when we are low on money.
You know! They charge my insurance $325. The insurance pays them $60. My co-pay is $20. So, all they get is $80 an hour! How is this $300 an hour rate for uninsured patients even fair? Especially, the ones that are already on medication!
My question is…now I want to tell her how much I relate to Schizophrenia.
Do I trust her to listen to me…or, find another psychiatrist?
I am on a ‘System’ and if I see another Psychiatrist she will know!
She will probably think I am leaving her because of how we bumped heads over this medicine. I just want another doctor to give it to me.
At this point this is the least of my worries.
I am more focused on talking to someone about Schizophrenia, learning more about it…and, where to go next.
Did you get diagnosed or did you bring it up to your doctor?
Schizophrenia sounds so scary (thanks, Hollywood!)…and, serious…but, this is what I have. I am scare to bring it up.