Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Does he mean to be so cold hearted?


#1

My husband has no emotion which I read is normal. But will this ever stop? Will he ever have feelings again? When he says something mean, I say “well that is so mean or rude”. He says “no, I am not being mean” “you are taking it wrong”. i will say, “with what you said, it can only be taken ONE way”. So he says things no knowing how rude they are. I will ask does he want me to stay and talk to him or watch a movie. He will say NOT REALLY. I might be taking it wrong. Anyway, I overlook him. But what he does to others makes me feel for them. For instance:

His grandfathers birthday was My 2nd. I got a call from his mom to remind me to wish him well. I did. This is the grandfather that helped raise him and they have always been very close. I did my part and went to my husband with the phone and whispered, tell your grandfather happy birthday. My husband said no. I not going to do that. I gave my husband an evil look and said this man hasn’t done anything to you and has dementia, won’t be here much longer on earth…it won’t hurt you. He said no, then i put the phone to his ear and said just do it. So my husband said happy birthday. That is it. I had to talk the rest of the time.

ON this weekend, Mothers Day, my husband got mad at me for begging him to call and wish his mom a Happy Mothers Day. He said “just leave me alone”. And I did after 5 min. I called his mother and wished her Happy Mothers Day and apologized for her sick son. I told my husband he is going to hurt his moms feelings. He didn’t care. I know his mom, i am sure she cried. Why is he doing this? Does he mean to be so cold and care free not caring how others feel?

I shouldn’t have to beg him to call his mother on Mothers Day. I told him, so you will call her to say thanks for sending me $100 for my bday but if she not giving you something you can’ t call? he didn’t respond to that. I feel for all that he treats this way, even myself lol. He does me this way too but I can deal with it. These other people are his family and have done SOOOO much for him and he don’t care to talk to them.


#2

I think people with SZ still have emotions. The flat effect just means they don’t show them like other people do.

SZ also affects their cognition, or thinking, so I don’t think it’s unusual that your husband may phrase things in a way that isn’t as kind as it could be - or how he used to. He’s quite literally not thinking right.

Many people with SZ also tend to isolate, either because other people give them anxiety or are part of their delusions/paranoia or they’re brain is overloaded & they need less stimuli - or any other reason that makes sense to them but not to us.

So, I truly don’t think they mean to hurt us most of the time. I’m dealing with my son so it’s a lot easier to put on a thick skin than it would be if it was my husband, but it’s still hard.

Someone on here said they got some very good advice when someone told them to lower their expectations.I can never lower my expectations about what treatment could do for my son in the future, but I’ve certainly lowered my expectations for how I expect him to function now. I’m still trying go figure him out & I think of every possible thing that could help him, but as far as his day-to-day life, it’s a no pressure zone.

I’ll even give you an example of something similar to what you’re talking about. The other day, I came home & had some cigarettes with me that my son asked me to pick up. I don’t remember what the subject was, but he got kind of agitated & said something that I know can lead to an argument. So, I said if he continued, I’d just leave. He pretty much told me as long as I gave him the cigarettes first, he didn’t care if I left.

I could have let that hurt my feelings, but if I did that, my feelings would be hurt way too often for my liking - so I just let it go in one ear & out the other. I did stop talking to him & do some other stuff for about 15 minutes. It all blew over & we had a fairly pleasant rest of the day.

So, don’t get too upset over little stuff. There’s plenty of big stuff out there to worry about instead.

Another thing, I think I remember your husband has no insight. Even if he doesn’t have any insight, on some level, he may know something isn’t quite right - even if he doesn’t know what & won’t admit it. That would kind of put anyone off, and maybe make them not want to talk to people close to them, just in case those people recognize it and try to do something. Just a little theory - I’ve seen people act like that when Alzheimer’s is setting in.


#3

I do put him off or ignore him most days. However, it bothers me he doesn’t want to talk to family (that has been there for him through thick and then all his life) on the phone. I know it hurts their feelings. They know what is going on but not around him but a day or two usually. He puts his best show on while we are visiting them. So once we get home they are not fully understanding (although they say they do) how bad off he is getting. I know they know he needs help. But I still think deep down his mom his hurt right now. It is her only son and he didn’t pick up the phone and call her on MOthers Day. I called though. I wished her Happy Mothers Day and apologized for him.

IF i ever get him to GET HELP, do you think the flat affect will get better. I don’t like it AT ALL. I am pretty much a single mother with 2 kids ( a BIG kid and small kid).


#4

I don’t know if the flat effect will get better or not.

They say that anti-psychotics work best against the positive effects and not so much for the negative ones, but people are researching more & more about how to treat the negative symptoms. I’ve heard some people have had good luck with the sarcosine that’s advertised on this site. I ordered some, but my son thought it gave him a little high, so then he started shoveling it in & that scared me too.

My son doesn’t have a persistent flat effect, so I’m not a good one to ask. He only gets it at home if he’s stayed up for so long his brain is shutting down - like 4/5 days of no sleep at all. Sometimes, out of the house, he has it when he gets really anxious, but I think that’s more freezing up than going flat.

Other than isolating, and going through periods where he doesn’t bother to bathe or change his clothes, my son’s symptoms are much more on the positive side than the negative. Some days, I’d happily trade that for a little flat effect & some callous comments, although I’m sure that would be just as hard to deal with.


#5

Well as you know, my husband is NOT on medicine because to him nothing his wrong. So right now the symptoms will never get better. Im just trying to stay positive that he will eventually realize he needs help with me communicating appropriately or effectively to him…according to the book I was advised to read. A few people on here (not sure if it was you) told me to read “I am not sick, I don’t need help”. It was a good book. He has not stated one of his delusions yet for me to use the technique given in the book though. I am sure he has them but not stating them to me. I am trying to sit with him more often and just talk about whatever he brings up. It is usually how he prepared the food (he loves too cook) or what silly thing one of our dogs did today…that is the most recent topics for now.


#6

Has he talked about delusions in the past?

I’m not suggesting that you bring up anything, but I’m curious about what kind of symptoms you’re seeing other than the flat effect.

My son has an urgency to talk about his delusions, and he’ll tell someone new that he knows it sounds crazy, but … and then go on about them. With me, he always acts like they’re 100% true & there’s nothing wrong with thinking that way. I use some techniques from the book, but when I get to a certain point, I’m not able to trick him - he’ll get very insistent on whether or not I believe him & won’t be put off. So, I’m still working on it.

However, the last thing I want is for him to keep it all to himself or learn to hide his symptoms.

On the other hand, I worry all the time that it’s all just reinforcing his thoughts.


#7

Yes. He has delusions and hears voices. He said there are guys at my work when visited…they worse black suits. They are after him. He says the helicopters flying above can hear us. And people are after his money because he is a prince. Those are just a few examples. He dont trust me so much now and keeps them to his self now.


#8

Oh…and of course the delusion i am cheating and stole the deed to the house. Those delusions he tells me


#9

Right now my son is off his meds again and refusing to admit there is anything wrong with him and during these times he is mean spirited and loses all sense of tact. And I find myself losing patience too often with him. That does me no good and really just escalates things.

I know you have said he is unmedicated, but don’t recall if you mentioned paranoid sz, but as he accuses you of cheating, I am going to assume he is paranoid. Phones can be a thing for them. He may not have expanded on this topic yet, but it could be he is suspicious of telephones but has not yet chosen to “enlighten” you of the suspicion. At times my son will be quite chatty on the phone and other times refuses to talk on the phone or even talk in a room where there is a phone.

There are days I wish there was a road map we could follow… you know have some direction and be one step ahead of the drama of sz. It seems more often than not lately I just don’t know what will happen next. It sure is frustrating.


#10

I can relate to everything that you are saying and going through my husband is a paranoid SZ and I literally everything that you have said about him being cold hearted is how my husband is. He used to love my family and now he will not even speak to them and when he is forced to go to a family even he acts like he loves them so much, but as soon as we leave I am accused of cheating on him with my sisters husband or he talks about them so badly. For Mothers day he was really mean to me and I had a horrible mothers day. I call him Dr. Jekel and Mrs. Hide because of how up and down he is. When he takes his meds he is the best person ever but when he is off them he is the cruelest person I have ever came encounter with. I recently have decided to go to the NAMI groups because they give support for people like us. I also have 2 kids with my husband and also feel like a single mom and sometimes it makes me think I love my husband but is it worth it, I already do everything by myself and he is not an asset to me he makes things so hard but then I realize it is not him, it is his disability and I know I have to keep fighting for him.


#11

Oh and my husband’s delusion is that he thinks I stole his debit card and spent all his money even though he spent it on his games he loves but forgot because he has no sense in remembering the day not to mention what time it is.


#12

My daughter and I are very close, but when she was in a deep state of psychosis, she would have nothing to do with me, would not see me, and wanted to escape to what she called “the real world.” Now, we are back to being close as ever. You have to steel yourself to separate the person from the illness.


#13

I am glad you brought this point up. It is a valid point and may help to make his mother feel better. Yes, he says his phone has been hacked ALL THE TIME. And, he says his ps4 consule has been hacked. I don’t see how the ps4 could be hacked I tell him…because we have no internet at the house for the ps4 to be connected to.


#14

Wow, yes we are in the same situation here. I look at what does he help with (cooking, mop sometimes, watching my son after school/summer). That is it. I do all the errands and running, all the bills i take care of, I work, etc).Some days I know I love him; other days I am like “why me” lol. I can’t love someone forever if he won’t love me back, touch me, kiss me, have NOTHING to do with me and even tells me we are OVER.