I’m not an angry person either. Life has been a torment for me most of my life and I’ve overcome a tremendous amount but seeing my child suffer feels like the world is being deliberately, horribly cruel. I want someone to blame! I want it to be someone’s fault, to point a finger and say, “You’re responsible”. On the opposite side, I want people to say it’s going to get better, that there’s a solution (even though I know there’s not). I want people to say I’m not crazy, to offer comfort. Most of all, I want everyone else’s world to stop spinning like mine has. I want to scream at the world, “Why don’t you see what we’re going through?”
I have found myself saying, “Haven’t I suffered enough, why does my child have to suffer too?” I don’t normally feel like an entitled person but in this area, I feel like the world owes me protection for my child because of what I went through. Unrealistic I know, it’s something I’m working on. Anger is part of it too - it feels so unfair.
Anger is a part of the grieving process - I’ve found accepting that I’m angry, accepting that it’s okay to be angry, helps. It sounds simplistic but giving yourself permission seems to make it less somehow. I try not to let myself get carried away or bitter though. I tell myself it’s okay to be angry but to stay focused on the goals. I find a couple of goals to work toward and that helps. I have literally given myself permission to cry every day (but draw the line at wallowing endlessly), and accept that phase will last as long as it lasts and may never go away. I may never fully stop being angry and sad and frustrated.
Today has been a good day so far. She’s smiling, happy, and present with us. Her eyes are clear and sparkling and she’s “shiny”. I treasure that - it lifts my spirits and my soul to see her that way, for however long it lasts (and yes, I have accepted that it won’t last forever).
Everything you’re going through is normal. Everything you’re going through now will help you to be stronger in the future. You just have to give yourself permission to feel it, even if it’s ugly or angry or sad. And accept that there’s no rulebook for any of this, no instructions, you’re just going to do the best you can every day. And some days you may fail, but tomorrow is one more opportunity to do better. I’ve started a blog that’s both a way to vent and a way to help others find some comfort. http://myparanoidschizophrenicchild.wordpress.com It might help you if you’re feeling alone because I think you and I are in similar places emotionally right now.
Thank you for sharing your post - believe it or not, talking with you about my experience is helping ME just as much!