Four years later


#1

Hey guys! This is my first blog anywhere other than a status on Facebook. Well here’s my story…

In the beginning:

I was head over heals for him! I knew he had a thing for public places…I mean occasionally we would go to the boat, see a movie, and out to eat like at mcdonalds. He does not like big restaurants the closest I ever got him to one was Waffle House in the afternoon when it’s pretty empty. But he said he didn’t like for people to watch him eat so I just wrote it off. He has always loved video games so that’s what we did…bought video games and watched movies at home. Also, I have a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son (not his) whom he has grown to love as his own. We were together for 2 years before he cheated on me and got another girl pregnant. This really tore me down…but…I loved him and I forgave him and decided to make things work. Well in April '12 we married. (At the JP…just me and him). His son was born the following month. We use to argue all the time…he could be so rude and hateful to the point I felt like I was going insane. However, he was NEVER physically abusive. Just would same some very cruel ish. It almost felt like he had no conscious or remorse. But he was always quick to appologize and break down crying begging me to never leave him. He wasn’t close to his family so I in turn would feel guilty knowing he had no place else to go. Well I left him nov '12 and in with my parents for 11 months. I filed for a divorce and it was final in April '13. However, we never stopped contact for more than a month. He ended up winning me over again Oct '13. When we first move in he was so sweet and kind and we were getting along just fine and then 2 weeks ago things got strange!

Current situation:

About 3 weeks ago my boyfriend got real paranoid. He started thinking the cops and Feds were out to get him. I tried reassuring him that he was ok and that nothing was wrong…in doing so he would get very pissed off and and start yelling! I could feel us distancing…well last Tuesday 01/27 he txted me (he gets off at 2:30 and I get off at 5) saying that somebody had broke in the house…he said they didn’t take any thing just moved things around. So when I make it home at 5 he is ready to call the cops to make a report of the “burglary?”…anywho he gets kinda aggrivated at the cop because he didn’t feel like he was doing his job. The cop have him his card with a case number to prove that the report would be filed. Welll the cop leaves and two hours later he calls the cops again because he said the kids bedroom window had been opened…well the next morning (he leaves for work at 530) I hear him in the living room talking to another cop. Come home that evening and he is just all over the place…peeping out the windows thinking somebody is outside watching him. But he calms down and we lay down. 3 xs before going to sleep (me at least) he jolts out the bed to look out the bedroom window… I ask him what he is doing and he non-chalantly (sp) relies “nothing baby just go to sleep” well the next day I come home and he just seemed so distant. I cooked and he wouldn’t eat (all week long). Well I was watching tv and all if a sudden I heard a loud bang. I asked him what it was and just replied “oh nothing” I think nothing of it and finish watching tv before going to bed.

Friday 01/31:

That morning I went into the bathroom to get ready and when I opened the door the ceiling cover over the AC unit had been tore down and the ace pipes torn out and broken…on the sink was the pocket knief he had used to pry it open with. I texted him and asked him was that the loud bang I heard last night and why in the hell did he do that? He responded "I know that “they” put cameras up there.

He txted me about 3 pm telling me somebody else broke in and that he was calling the cops. Well my phone died at work and he shows up at my job. A friend of mine was outside smoking and she said he got out the car and appeared normal but when he started talking to her she said he seemed off and kinda skidish. Shortly after she told me this a supervisor came and asked me to make him leave. I went outside and he was on the ground diggin in the driver side floor board of his car. I yelled his name and he damn near jumped out of his skin…I talked kinda rude to him and demanded that he leave before he gets me fired. Well when I got off he parked across the street waiting on me…and when I come out side he yells my name (very embarrassing). I just walked to my car. Well he followed me to the daycare and as I’m getting ready to come out he walks in and says loudly " HEY I just wanted to come in and introduce myself in case I ever have to come pick up the kids"

The kids were scheduled to go to their grandmas for the weekend and I had to drive 45 mins to meet her. He asked me was I gonna follow him to the house so he could drop off his car and ride with me. I told him no and to go home. He started crying accusing me of leaving him. He stated " you just don’t want to be around me do you" tears in his eyes. I yelled hell no! And slammed the door in his face. He followed me all the way to drop the kids off and then back home…but when we make it home he is not pissed off for making him waste gas by following me like he normally would in a situation like that. (I get blamed for every thing). Instead he is real to himself and not speaking really at all. He is still pacing the house though. He decides to go out to eat (Arby’s) and shockingly he choose to eat inside. As we are eating he asks me if I wanted to go see a movie. So we go and see “lone survivor”. He made a few inappropriate out burst about the movie and was ready to go half way through it. I told him “NO We just paid $18 to watch a movie!” He was like well give he the keys so he could go smoke. I told him hell no and he got pissed and got up to leave. So I followed him. As we were walking out he turns around and with tears in his eyes says “you were about to kill me wernt you” I look at him crazy and asked him why would I want to kill him. So we leave and he asks me did I bring him to see that movie because those events were gonna happen to him. I talked kinda bad and called him crazy. We make it home and I go to bed pissed off. At 230 am he wakes me up asking for my keys. I told him hell naw take your own damn car. So he leaves in his car and is gone for two hours. I was worried sick and he was not answering his phone or replying to txts. Finally 2 hours later he comes home and instead of using his key he bangs on the door and every window in the apt. Scared the crap out of me!! I go to open the door and he looks at me with the most terrified eyes and takes off running to his car that he had left running. He takes off then backs up and parks. He come in and I go off on him! We argue and then we both layed down to go to sleep about 5 am. At 6:23 am I woke up to every light in the house on so I get up and walk down the hall turning off the lights and runs up and around me quick, puts me in a choke hold chocking me all the way back to the bed room. I get him off me and start crying. He said I thought you were coming to kill me (with no expression what so ever) and the goes to sit on the couch like nothing just happened. This pisses me off and doesn’t understand why I’m mad. So I lay in the bed unable to sleep for about an hour. Get up at 7am and decided to go to work. He is questioning me why and was there somebody else I was seeing (which he has always accused me of cheating). But what blew my mind was he couldn’t see what he did wrong. I leave and about 10 am he is texting me stuff that was making no sense and asking when I would be home. I make it home about 12 and he is not here. I txt him and ask him if he was home. He said yeah and I called him a liar. After that he didn’t respond…I come in and the blinds wore torn and the bathroom was worse. So I try calling him…no answer but he txts but they make no sense. So I tell him I’m calling the cops which I did. He makes it home before the cops and try’s to get in but I had dead bolted the door… So he starts yelling and calls the cops too. Cops get there and I show and tell them what’s been going on. They told me that he had called them out to the house like 7 times this week (while I was working) and that they thought he was crazy and advised that I leave him. They even stated that they thought he needed to be mentally evaluated. So I gather as much as I can and go to my moms. I didn’t talk to him for 2 days after that.

Monday 02/03 :

First thing that morning I go to the police station to see about a restraining order. They told me I would have to get an attorney to do so. And then asked was I referring to a black male. I told him yes and he informed me that he had been in a wreck Sunday and was now in the hospital because he had weed and wet in his system (which I was already wondering if he doing drugs because of the way he was acting but I was certain he wouldn’t do that). So I go to the hospital to check in him and a psych dr asks to speak to me privately. We go into a private room and I tell her everything that’s been going on these past 3 weeks. She then informed me that he did have weed in his system but no wet…and that he had been diagnosed with “Schizophrenia” and “paranoia” (I had been calling him a paranoid schizophrenic" during his moments out of cruelty) when she told me this I broke down! I cried and cried. She informed me that he would be in the hospital until he got off the waiting list for a “STATE HOSPITAL!” I have been in such great shock! I have really done my research on this stuff and feel pretty educated on it. I have such an interest on that all I do is research it in my spare time. I feel like it’s consuming me. I have been crying uncontrollably my heart is really broken because I feel like both of our lives have changed with one Diagnosis…

I decided to go see him today because I know he isn’t close to his family and has nobody. I feel like he is all alone up in that hospital and I’ve just abandoned him. He has to have some one sit in the room with him 24/7 which is really aggrivating him. When I spoke with him, he was very emotional but he told me that somebody was chasing him trying to kill him…and that the drain pipes on the side of the apts was pumping poison into our home poising him. At this point I can’t hold my tears back and he asks me “baby what’s wrong?” And I cry even harder…he is in denial bad and truly believes these events really happened…so I just wiped my eyes and listened to him tell me all about the people talking to him…

I am so lost right now…just 3 weeks ago my 28 year old boyfriend seemed perfectly normal…helping kids with homework, watching movies curled up on the couch all weekend :cry:…AND now this? HOW??? HOW come he didn’t tell me ??? Ok I’m crying now so I guess I’m done…


#2

Please look at these sites:
http://www.leapinstitute.org/ - under resources are free videos on using LEAP
LEAP is a way of communicating to build trust. Listen-Empathize-Agree-Partner.
http://dramador.com/ - Dr. Xavier Amador is a clinical psychologist whose brother had schizophrenia. He is the founder of the LEAP Institute. Wrote the book: I’m Not Sick I Don’t Need Help! Can buy from his website.
Search Xavier Amador and LEAP on youtube.com and you should find some long videos
http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/index.php - under problems you will see anosognosia
Anosognosia looks like denial but is different.
http://lesswrong.com/lw/e25/bayes_for_schizophrenics_reasoning_in_delusional/ - helped my understand delusions
http://www.nami.org/ - National Alliance on Mental Illness.
http://www.schizophrenia.ca/ - Schizophrenia Society of Canada

My guess is that he doesn’t know that he has schizophrenia. Anosognosia is probably a big part of that. He does not understand what is happening to him and due to high paranoia his feelings and actions are logical to him. What he is feeling and seeing are as real to him as the computer you are typing on.

Hopefully they can get him on a good medication that will help to get his positive symptoms under control. Listening to him is great. He will need your support and understanding. I won’t tell you that it is going to get easier because it probably won’t right away. Try to take some time for yourself. Find an outlet for your own feelings. You have been through a tough couple of weeks. Know that it was schizophrenia that caused him to act they way that he did. He is still the boyfriend you knew 3 weeks ago. Wishing you both all the best during this hard time.


#3

@barieBF thank you for responding! When I talk to him he just tells me that he has paranoia and that they are keeping him because something wrong with his blood work, but the nurses have told me otherwise. I can’t tell him that though, well I haven’t tried because idk how. I thought about buying him a book about it to read…do you think that would be ok? I am also lost on how to respond when he tells me about his events that happened because he still thinks they were real…as of now I have been hearing him out and acting like I believe him. Telling him other wise pisses him off but I don’t know if it’s healthy to make him think that I believe him…I’m so lost lol


#4

Don’t feel bad. 3 years in and I still get lost on how to act or react.

Look into LEAP. I found it helped me a lot with my son. I don’t agree with his beliefs or delusions but I do listen to them. I try to have empathy for what he is feeling. I try not to give my opinion unless he asks me for it or I will ask him if he wants to know what I think or believe. If he says no then I keep it to myself. At some point I’m guessing he will ask. Disagreeing with him isn’t going to make him change his believe either. Think of your own believes. Someone else telling you that you are wrong isn’t going to make you change your believes or feelings. When stable a lot of it seems to fall away on it’s on at least with my son it does. His believes don’t change but he is not thinking about them 24/7. The fact that he can trust me with those believes are huge in my eyes and I think in his. It is this trust and empathy that allows you to build a relationship whereby he may agree to take medications and receive treatment in the beginning only because of his relationship with you. Plenty of times in the past my son has told me he is taking his medications or getting blood work because of me. He trusts me, most of the time lol, and he believes in our joint goal or partnership of keeping him out of the hospital and healthy.

When my son was inpatient the last time he had ideas on why he was there or still there that contradicted why he was really there. Part of it could be a coping mechanism and part of it could be anosognosia. I try not approach treatment in terms of schizophrenia being something that needs to be fixed as I don’t believe that my son needs fixing and neither does he. We do however need to keep symptoms from taking over his life. Anxiety, insomnia and psychotic breaks with physical reality are something we can both acknowledge. No one wants to accept that there may be something wrong with them and so only seeing that he is there for blood work may be a natural coping mechanism for him rather than saying yes I have schizophrenia and I need to be fixed. This is a confusing time for him. I don’t think my son will ever accept schizophrenia under those terms. In the end he doesn’t need to accept his diagnoses only understand that he may need to do certain things to keep himself in this world with the people that care about him. Build on the good as much as you can.

I don’t see how getting him a book would do any harm. He may recognize some of the symptoms in himself or he may not. Again anosognosia can play a big role. So don’t get upset if he choices to ignore it. If you can maybe have a doctor talk to him about what the medications are trying to do. I had my son’s nurse do this once so that he could understand that we are targeting neurotransmitters and not his belief system. Helping his body to function better not fix him. Your husband is older so I don’t know if acceptance is easier or harder with later onset.


#5

I just went to see him and today he thinks the government is the reason he is there and that this was all apart of their plan…other than that he only cried once which is good because he has been crying on my shoulder on off the last times I went…I love him so but I’m just not sure if me coming around him with not being sure where we will end up is good or bad…I feel like I am what he is fighting hard so it’s just too hard to give up on him…my family and friends think I need to distance myself from him and move on…uggghh I just wish I could make up my mind lol


#6

I don’t want to sway the opinion, only you know your own strength. But the fact that he will still see you and doesn’t seem to be mad AT you while in hospital and will open up and cry on your shoulder and show some feeling is a really good sign that he is trying to piece his head back together.

I remember how confused I was after my mind shattered. It took a lot to get back to lucid. It is a dang scary ride. He sounds like he’s reaching out to you, not pulling away. I’d say friends and family will want you to be safe, but they don’t know this guy or SZ like you.

If you love him and he’s not violent with you or abusive and he’s working to try and get back to you into lucid town then giving up and not seeing him anymore might break both your hearts. If he’s crying… let him, because this SZ monster will strip all emotions from us in the form of negative symptoms. So if he can still show some emotion, he’s doing better then I did when in hospital.

Good luck. I’m rooting for you both.


#7

@SurprisedJ thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement! I will continue to be there for him because I just could not imagine if the tables were turned! I would definitely want him and others to be there for me…as far as where we will end up, idk but I do know that I will forever be there for him…if you don’t mind me asking…how long did it take before you realized and acknowledged that you had SZ


#8

I was having a lot of head circus problems as young as 5, but my labels kept changing until my swan song break at 17. I was also doing a lot of drugs to self medicate and I blamed my symptoms on the drugs for ages.

(see, I’m not Sz, it’s the acid, it’s the pot, it’s the alcohol) But when I got slapped in detox and rehab and I was still having a full blown head circus show, it was sort of hard to blame it on some drug I wasn’t taking anymore.

I also have very fast acting parents who got me in therapy, CBT, and anything else they could throw at this.

I always knew I wasn’t right in the head… I got into a physical fist fight with an imaginary friend when I was about 7 and broke my hand. (he went into ghost state on me when I swung and i punch a tree) I am med compliant and I don’t see imaginary ghost friends anymore. I was a little kid…

I think for me it wasn’t the fact that I didn’t know something was wrong, but I was in an anger phase and didn’t want to be med compliant and didn’t want to be in hospital.

I was sadly so angry with my parents that I was NOT a nice person. So it took me a while to get my head out of my butt and stop taking this out on those around me. Take my meds, go to therapy, do the CBT work, and really get back into lucid town. I still waiver and have some odd days. But I have help and family and a lot of love to keep me alive.


#9

That’s great that you have this thing under control now! I’m just gonna keep praying for him and be there as much as I can to make him as comfortable as possible in this situation…there’s no telling what would happened if didn’t have that wreck…I just hope that he comes to terms with it all and really accept it…as for now he says it’s best that he don’t think about and just forget it all it happened…he said “let’s just write it off as a mid life crisis and move on baby” …I just wish it were that simply unfortunately it’s not…also he thinks he will be getting out the hospital and has no idea that he his on a waiting list for the state hospital…how do you think he will react when he goes @surprisedj


#10

That is a tricky situation. If he’s looking forward to going home and getting on with his life and then to be told no, that could require some help.

I’d say, for now, he’s not angry and so far he trusts you so let the doctors be the heavy in that situation. Don’t put yourself in that messenger situation with out some serious help and back up. He’s in hospital now so if you can talk to his docs and let them know what he thinking.

Both of you will need some help between his expectations and the reality of the situation. Really… that could go either way. It’s time to look to some of the resources of

www.schizophrenia.com

www.nami.org

Talk to as many resources in your area as you can find. Don’t do that part alone. Let him rage at the doctors if he’s going to. At the same time… if he’s really med compliant and the docs are amazing and he gets some insight, he might be OK. But again, to take that potential storm on alone… I would worry.

Hey… take care of yourself as well. It’s a hard biz being a caretaker and I see here on this sight that many people have gotten through this with caregiver support groups. It will give you ideas and some understanding shoulders to lean on as well. You need help to stay strong to you can help him too.


#11

Thank you so much! I really needed that insight from someone who has actually been in his shoes and can empathize instead of just sympathize! I’m hoping he will understand soon and hopefully I can show him this web site…I think it would really help him! He’s very smart and intelligent so I know that he will come back to reality…just not sure when lol but that’s ok because I’ll still be there when he does!


#12

I feel for you…My son is going thru the same thing but I am you…


#13

@joelsgirlkath y I Am sorry to hear that…this disorder seems to be the worst one I’ve witnessed and does take a whole lot of patience…and when you truly love that person, it feels like an obligation to be there for them…how old is your son if you don’t mind me asking? I’m wondering if it’s going to be more difficult with my husband occurring later in life…he will be 29 in April…


#14

my son got sick when he was 34…he was the life of the party a beautiful handsome young man…it has taken its toll on him…no warning signs it just was normal one day and its all down hill from here, it runs in his fathers side but I never thought it would claim my one and only child…so far today has been good, but instead of him knocking on door to wake me up, he called my phone to wake me…I had asked him yesterday not to wake me up every morning so early… he said he misses me, but I think he just get lonely…


#15

That’s so sweet…he is lucky to have a mom like you! And yes this just happened out of no where, it just baffled me!!! And I’m not the one to normally question god but it makes you really ponder on “why?”…just doesn’t seem fair at all…I was talking to him yesterday tell him not to be afraid or embarrassed and that he cal tell me anything…I told him I got the move “a beautiful mind” and now he is wanting to see it…I’m thinking that education (as long as he’s wanting to learn) maybe be best for him…he has always had that (prove it to me) attitude so maybe just maybe if he sees and learns more about, then maybe he accept it better and learn to live with it…we shall see…Rome wasn’t built in a day right?


#16

I know your going through a rough and scary time right now. I know it’s confusing and life is up in the air, but I just wanted to say,

The fact that your taking time to learn with him and hang out with him and see a movie is really heart warming.

During my onset it seemed like doing anything “normal” was out of the question. It was all intensive crisis management. I needed it and I don’t blame anyone. Everyone was acting on information given. But when I was truly trying to take my recovery seriously, I do fondly remember the times when there was a brake in the action to just hang out, get a sandwich, see a movie.

If he can’t pay attention to it, please don’t be offended. During my onset, my attention span was shattered. I could only do things in 5 to 10 minute sections. If he does seem to drift off from the movie, don’t take it as he’s not willing to learn. He might only be able to do things in tiny chunks for a while.

I think your are doing really well given how scared you must be. Positive vibes being sent your way.


#17

Well, it’s good that you stuck by him and tried to be there. I just went through a breakup this week. My “bf” is a schizophrenic and I love him a lot, but me having schizoaffective too makes it difficult because it’s easier for me to be convinced of delusions. He has moments I’ve noticed after he drinks that even one beer makes him delusional. So we didn’t drink the whole time I was dating him, hardly ever. But this past week was stressful. IDK why he was so reserved with me. It started with having a conversation about our relationship and we both agreed to give eachother space, and it was like he changed. He also said it would be “too much work” to be in a new relationship and get to know someone as well as he knew me. I did feel a bit bad about it, because he has no room to talk. He said it was like a “negative being with a negative” we’ve been spending 24/7 together and I really didn’t want to fight with him, but his mom says she doesn’t know where he is–I started to worry because I just moved out, then I came over and he’d been in his room and his mom didn’t even tell me, then he asked for a cigarette and then he bitched about the one time he bought me cigarettes a week ago with his mom’s money. I had bought him a pack of cigarettes the day before. So in my mind, I’m like it’s over!!! I pushed him and called him an asshole, told me to pound me a little harder and he said he was going to file assault charges after I threw my purse at him and told him to get his I.D. Then I drove home started crying and thought about killing myself.

So yeah relationships are difficult. Who knows? Maybe this guy will get his head on straight eventually, that would be great. But don’t give him your heart back yet. Also, remember that everyone is a person deep down and maybe that helps you forgive him. He needs to come to terms with his actions, so make sure he is truly deeply sorry. Also you should pass this along: it takes a lot of strength to overcome schizophrenia and that I was able to. Tell him that. Schizophrenia is not a sign of weakness. Tell him to be a stronger man now, for you who has stood by him. And if he’s a jerk about it then he’s not ready to be with you.

The other thing is…it sounds like he was fighting the onset of the disorder. But how long have you known him. Like I find out all sorts of things about being in a relationship with someone after about 6 months. A mid life crisis is understandable the world is pretty shady and messed up. But, he’s better now. He owes it to you to respect you.

Thank God that nothing bad happened. No one likes cops, unfortunately they are a last resort when someone is in denial of schizophrenia. You cannot force a person into a hospital without some sort of help, and the protections are there for a reason. I just state this because I don’t know who would be the best person to handle that sort of situation. If it all falls on the cops that’s a bad recipe, but it also teaches cops to be better trained and responsive to the needs of the people.

Don’t get your heartbroken if he’s not the one for you. Oh, and the other thing was from your story I did not notice one symptom of delusions of reference. He was scared, there could hae been cameras in the ceiling --but over time he did sound more and more delusional. I think that insight is typically the first thing to go when the symptoms set in. I haven’t relapsed since I was 17/or been hospitalized. I am 25 now. I only take Abilify which increases dopamine not decreases, but I don’t think I have a mood disorder/ I also have ADHD. Lots of people have issues they need to manage.

I’ve also found that stimulants affect me no problem. Except Ritalin, or maybe I’ve grown out of my illness. I was told that my symptoms reversed and I had high insight, that I did not have neurodegenerative schizophrenia if it even is, that it might be bipolar but they’re not sure of which. I told them I get delusions but I can’t tell if it’s mood related so I guess that warrants schizoaffective, because it’s not related to depression etc. What I don’t understand is what schizoaffective signifies. It’s basically the same thing as schizophrenia, only they claim it has a better prognosis. Since it’s being eliminated or when it is, I’ve been told it will become Bipolar because they don’t know what type of schizophrenia it is.

I never talk about my paranoia and I don’t have a therapist. I think it’s the fact that I have gotten paranoid it’s better not to call it paranoid schizophrenia, doesn’t sound nice. I don’t actually get paranoid anymore though. That took concentration, willpower, energy, and medication. I don’t buy into conspiracy BS, while I do acknowledge the possibilities I don’t have to let it scare me. I have tweaked on the idea that it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, but even if it was–there’s nothing i can do about the label at this point and I am treating the condition others perceive to exist. That’s the difficult part…because with MY TYPE of schizophrenia, it’s like tripping. I didn’t do drugs so I’m sure they didn’t cause it.

But after the meds and acknowledgment–Ive been able to go off the medication for periods of time with no adverse affects. The last time was for about 3 months. I was sex crazed but also…I was actually more well behaved. Then I couldn’t fall asleep and mind raced and delusions hit like that. I was able to recognize it, take a pill, and go to sleep. Wasn’t a big issue. I’m very aware of my limits.


#18

Thanks surprisedj …looking back now i did notice his lost of interest in movies or tv in general…this also includes video games (which he has always had a passion for)…now after educating my self on it, it all makes sense!! I’m just glad that I carry a lot of patience with me! Thanks for your response!


#19

Thanks to you too starry night…i love when people who have been diagnosed reply because it gives me hope! You asked how long I’ve know him…the answer is since 2006 but have been in a relationship since 2010…last year was real rocky due to other problems but we managed to make it work then… That’s why I feel we can make due to all that we have fought for already! But only time will tell and I am trying to prepare myself for either outcome… I am so glad I join the forum…you guys have really helped me these past few days!


#20

well my son has been taking his meds.\and it is better this week, now we are snowed in with 10 inches in the Carolinas Tomorrow they said round two for the ice ,we never get this much, But he was a little cabin fevered out so we kept going out to get measurements…Hoping tomorrow he will be good, Just a note//// I sent him to the store and he always dose the food shopping and this is where I saw the effects this illness has taken on him. It took him 2 hours and 5 calls to me to get about 30 things ,before he was back in 20 minutes…But I am thankful…