Since my schizophrenic brother came to my town and into my life in a way about 15 days ago,after a 15 years disconnection; I have been spending a lot of time on here and on internet ,reading the posts, trying to understand the illness, to get informed and to find some answers.(Some answers are not to be found though,I know)
Today,after reading some posts I felt a lot of feelings I have buried for a long time.I guess this is normal.They say;feelings never go away but stay there unless you go through them,process them.I’ll get professional help for that as soon as I can.
One of those feelings is resentment.Giving lots to the mentally ill person but getting no appreciation,no feedback,being taken for granted.Even if there is a “thank you” occasionally,when you get to see that it is only lip service and there is no action or attitude that backs up.Once I heard from a family member of a mentally ill person that she felt herself as a credit card for her relative,nothing more.Once,when we were living together I wanted my brother to help me with a chore and he said,“you are using me”…Yes,I was responsible for the rent,for the bills for everything at home,he didn’t have any contribution and I was using him…LOL
It is so hard to continue giving without feeling anything.I am a human,I have feelings,emotions.I am not a robot.I now see that I did that for years,gave gave and then gave some more and got drained.I didn’t know better at the time.Ok,yes he is ill and the illness isn’t his fault but…but should giving unconditionally and getting disrespect in return for be a destiny for the family members of schizophrenics?You need to be a saint, an angel and I know I am not one.I am only a human ,not perfect no way but try to be better.
I send my deepest regards to all the mothers on here…I admire them for all they are doing for their children.Is it about being a mother,having motherly instincts?I know mothers who are not caring though.I don’t have a child myself,my choice. People tell me that I’m very motherly and nourishing,protecting but I’m not a mother so I don’t know.
As for my brother,he is here but he has withdrawn since I tried to talk about past with him-it was a mistake of me but unfortunately,unknowingly I did it.Yes,since that day he is not talking with me but only with my husband.My husband is like a negotiator right now.Last week he went to see him a couple of times and made sure he had enough money etc.Yesterday we were going out of town to a peaceful resort and called him just in case he wanted to join us but his phone was off.I called the hotel and learned that he was out and fine so we went without getting worried about him.
Now he is a guest of us here in my town…what is happening?We want to help him,we want to make better life conditions for him and he is not answering our calls.I wish I could know what thoughts are going on in his mind.Has he been paranoid or what?It is so difficult to understand this illness.
So I am asking this question…is giving unconditionally no matter what the answer? I doubt though. What is the solution?