How do you feel when somebody judges you, every action just for your mental illness?


#1

Like I said before (but maybe somebody still don’t know it :stuck_out_tongue:), I suffer from OCD and it happened that each time I felt depressed, anxious or, most of times, obsessed with something, they used to tag me as “obsessive-compulsive” saying “it’s just your disorder!”. I hate it, very much. And I hate it most when is my psychiatrist who says it, because it seems to me she only want to judge any of my behaviours as an OCD patient. But what about my feelings? We are NOT a mental illness, we are above all persons, with feelings like everybody else…it would be better if people would see me, Alice, and then my OCD, not the opposite.
What about you, with schizophrenia?


#2

This is only me (I’m schizoaffective it’s like when schizophrenia and a mood disorder like bipolar or depression have a love child. I have the depression one).
I feel like my illness charicterizes me a lot and I see it as a big part of myself. I wouldn’t say in the way Temple Grandin (who is freaking awesome and you should look her up, read her book, and watch the movie like I have done) who has ausburgers and says if she could change herself she wouldn’t because that’s who she is. I would this out of me if I could. But it is a big part and I don’t know what would be left.
Here is why it is more than a condition to me:

My meds literally dictate my personality. Angry and cruel, kind and understanding, edgy and frantic. I have been all of those people when on certain medicines. One I tried (I don’t remember it’s name, it started with an S though) I became very cruel. Not kind, not frantic. Just down right mean.

From my understanding with OCD you have a compulsion that you either follow or you battle. With my sza I hear things, believe things, and display other symptoms that are not on such a yes or no spectrum as a compulsion. Like when I believed my classmates were plotting against me, I could either 1) Scream and yell at them. 2) try to unobtrusively sabotage them back 3) drop the class and avoid them. That particular delusion was very short lived, but those and other options were open to me. If I heard a voice telling me to do something that would be more yes or no, but I usually only hear random things. Paranoia (which I have only had once) is also full of choices. Do I run? Do I hide? Do I call someone?

My choice of romantic partner is vastly limited. There is no “settle for someone”. I personally think that in order for someone to love you through schizophrenia or schizoaffective they have to be a top notch man or woman. While it’s good that many weaker candidates are winnowed out, it means I can’t just decide I don’t want to be alone and choose someone.

It affects the choices I make. I can’t have a high stress career or I might break apart. I don’t want to pass on these genes so I won’t have children. I have an episode and can’t sleep because the walls are looking at me or something, I choose to make up the sleep instead of risking falling asleep in class.

I could go on, but that’s about the gist of it. I see this… thing… as woven into myself, my being. I honestly have no clue who I would be without it. If my understanding is correct, you can see yourself in a fuller way than I can. You have likes and dislikes, a personality that is independent of the medicine you are on.
I used to love to collect DVDs. I didn’t like to watch them, I just liked having them there. I got on a new medicine, I don’t even go look at them.


#3

I see and I really feel bad for you. I don’t know how does it feel to fight everyday with such a beast like schizophrenia is. I just hope you could become more stronger than how it is and move on! For yourself and for the people around you who loves you.


#4

Actually, I think I might be one of the highest functioning people here (besides mortimermouse of course. He puts us all to shame).
There are far better people on here to feel bad for than me. I have a good eggy crate (my term for terrific support structure). The people I feel bad for are the ones the meds won’t help. I’m highly responsive to them (knock on wood). I am just more aware of how this disease interplays in my personality.
I have had depression my whole life, and quite honestly, that’s the people I feel the worst for. The people like a woman I know who’s meds didn’t help her no matter what she tried. I have felt what that was like. It is one of the reasons I am so med compliant. I am much better now.
But for her…
I think that depression is the biggest monster out there.


#5

Hi,
I used to have OCD. It was luck that I got over it. Yeh I know how you feel about psychiatrists. They are very judgemental and also think they know it all. My first psychiatrist used to think that he could sum me up as a person because I displayed some characteristic once or maybe I said something once, on one occasion only. He would then judge me on that and then assume that I am always like that. But a psychiatrist cannot sum up the person based on one judgement. The person is a lot more complex than that.


#6

It makes me doubt myself a lot. But I also find, it makes me doubt that person as well.

I have a cousin who is always throwing my Sz in my face. I don’t like him. So if I’m rocking or starting to have the wheels come off and he says… “No one here is out to get you. The waiter doesn’t care enough to poison you.” I don’t believe him and because he always throws my SZ in my face, he just sets me off when he might honestly be trying to help.

But when my sis takes my hand and whispers… "I don’t think anyone here is trying to harm us. I honestly believe the waiter did not tamper with our food. We come here often and we tip well."
Then I believe her and I calm down because she does NOT throw my Sz in my face.


#7

Yeah I think the same. Depression is awful, I also tried many and many differents meds in my life and since now I found ONLY one who’s working (Risperidone). I don’t have schizophrenia myself but many of the meds I took are the same you guys take (only the dosage is different), and I just can’t imagine my life without them. I would be afraid of it.


#8

I see and it sounds really understandable. Just ignore the ones who don’t know how you really feel. It’s really easy to tag someone as “mental sick” and judge him only by this… but it’s awful and absolutley not true.
It’s important to find who really care about us and how to handle us the right way, because above all we are persons, with our weakness, our emotions, our feelings…and is not always the illness which speak for us!


#9

OCD is classified as a anxiety axis personality disorder. Personality disorders are defined as lifelong, maladaptive patterns of thoughts or behaviors which are rigid, inflexible and highly resistant to change. Kind of paraphrased that but it is pretty close I believe.

For someone to say “I do something because of OCD” and get the reply “That is just how you are”…that would be pretty accurate because it is your personality type, not a chemical imbalance or anything like that.

I do understand how you feel though, I often worry if someone tries to hurt me and I hurt them instead they could cry out schizophrenic! Didn’t take your meds so you attacked me! And how would I argue against that? Yes I am a schizophrenic, no I cannot prove I took my medicine in the past or didn’t take them on the day in question.

Consider me for example, I have schizotypal personality disorder and schizophrenia. So if I do something “eccentric” they would not look at me and go “That’s the schizophrenia showing” they would probably be more apt to say “Eccentric is just what you are, and we can’t change that”.

Should this bother me? After 90% of my life being told I am weird, or scary, or a freak or whatever…no it does not bother me at all…maybe if a certain select few were to say it to me.

There is however one word, which always hurts and I have never been ok with being called that word. But I think everyone does have one word they can’t bear to be called.

It is very difficult to try and separate how much of me is illness and how much is my true self. Especially when my “healthy” state of mind is in “disorder”.


#10

I get your point and you can be right. But what I wanted to say was that above all we are human being with our preferences and characteristic and is not like everything we do or think is because our disorder, even if it’s a schizophrenia, a depression or an OCD…
Maybe the most of our behaviours is dued to our illness or disease but not all. So when somebody wants to judge, or worst, criticize you it’s sad that they try to sum up everything with “it’s due to your disorder”…it happens you don’t know either if they’re true or not…