I have been feeling a sense of mourning the last few days over the loss of my husband: SZ has changed him so much that he is not the same person I met 24 years ago. We started out as really good friends, going out together and chatting. He was the one person in a room full of people that I would have the most interesting conversations with. He was and still is very intelligent and I learned a lot from him. He made me pay attention to the world around me and introduced me to new things. He was outgoing and driven. After being good friends for 2 years, he asked me out on a date one night and 2 years later we moved in together and 7 years after that we were married and had a son. He started a business which we both worked at, him more than me, for 11 years, the bottom fell out and we had to move to his parents house. After that, everything went downhill. I guess he was depressed and I didn’t realize it. Two years later he was in a full blown psychotic episode and so the story goes on… in and out of institutions, no insight into his illness and not able to step out of the revolving door.
I can’t help but wonder why this happened to him. How did a normal guy end up schizophrenic at 45? I wonder if the symptoms were always there and I didn’t see them. I go over conversations in my head. We are not living together right now due to my sister in-law kicking him out of the house after being arrested for vandalism. He is having problems again and he was just released from the hospital in January…already it’s starting again! I am very worried about him and am calling the doctor tomorrow as he has an evening appointment and I’m going to tell her what has been going on. He is back to having conversations with someone and so consumed by his thoughts/delusions that he is barely engaging in conversation with us.
The part I find the most disturbing these days is the torment he must be feeling. The way his mind is playing tricks on him and the paranoia he is experiencing because of it. My son and I go to visit him and he has nothing to say and when I say something to him I have to repeat it because he doesn’t hear me the first time. And when I do repeat myself, he has no reply and just looks at me like he doesn’t understand what I am saying to him. I have been on my own with my son for 3 years because he can’t wrap his head around anything I come to him with. He is a great Dad to our son when his meds are working but when he isn’t doing so good, he barely talks to him. My son loves him unconditionally and seems to understand and feels much compassion towards his father, which is a relief to me. It’s a relief because my son isn’t angry at him over everything we have been through since his SZ symptoms appeared. I, on the other hand can’t say I haven’t been angry. But lately, I have just been feeling sorry for all of the torment he is experiencing. I looked at the pictures of our wedding the other day and he looked so happy, so full of life with that devilish gleam in his eye. My husband used to be a real ball buster, but in a fun way and always used to make me laugh. His heart was golden and he would help anyone who needed it. But now, I look in his eyes and that gleam, that light he once had has faded and just looks dark. He looks like he has aged so much in the last 3 years from all of the stress his mind has put him through.
I don’t know. I am sure that everyone on here remembers their loved one before mental illness reared it’s ugly head. I wish there was a cure so they wouldn’t be tormented by their thoughts or voices anymore and we could have them back in our lives like they used to be before SZ. Thanks for listening…