As of yesterday morning I felt that I could handle anything. In fact, I was going to write a post about that this morning. Instead I woke up to find that my sister’s coming over this weekend… and I feel that I’m on a mental cliff. Even if I were on meds I would NOT be here this weekend. I’m happy to leave her as anonymous A because the last years I’ve been the one messed up in the head right? If she’s a monster many other people are. I just cannot face it. I can’t face her. To do that would be to face the past and that apparently rips me to shreads. Sorry for the lame post, it’s just how I feel. It’s so many bad feelings and twisted thoughts all in one bottle… and I’m not even sure it’s her. It’s times like these that I think “Oh this is why I should be on meds”… This would be the one time, the one unarguably good reason. But even on meds it was so so so damn hard to even say hi to her.
The thing is, I feel lucid. “Lucid you say?” Yes. When before it was insanity from a sz point of view, now it looks more like insanity from a non-sz point of view. I feel sane, in fact, but being pushed to insanity, except not by me. It’s like I was in a jungle of snakes before, but I was on acid, so the snakes were in my mind. But then I woke up one day to find the snakes were still there, and I wasn’t tripping. That’s how I feel and think right now. It just makes me want to get out of dodge. But I can’t do that. I can’t do that, because I have a little sister here. And SHE’S even stressed from my dad. Like why the fuck would a NINE yo be stressed. There’s no reason on this earth that should be. She’s fine with my sister and brother in law, but if I left, I have to face that fact that she’d mostly be alone. She has my mother, and they go to this homeschooling coop thing once a week. Other than that, she has no kids to play with. I’m her substitute, and I’d happily be there for her, but it’s REALLY getting down to a point of survival for me. Again, even if I were on meds, I would feel this way. I do not need to be here. And she doesn’t need to be here, but I can’t do a damn thing about it. It’s the type of situation where it’s just bad enough to fuck up a kid in the head long-term, but child services wouldn’t think a thing about it.
After reading up on sz cases, I know a lot of cases are environmental, and I have to acknowlege that. When I went to Kentucky, I was healing, very quickly in fact. I was a different person, and didn’t have a care in the world(except for my little sis back home).
I just can’t do this much longer. I have to flap off to my life instead of rotting here. I’m 24, I need this. That’s not even a selfish thought. I never put myself first, but if I can help anyone out, I have to find a place of peace first, because here it’s just insane. I’m not super man, I’m not a rock, I’m human. And possibly I’m the worst thing for my little sis.
My psychyatrist said go. My friends said go. My co-worker said go. I think it’s time for me to go.
Again sorry for the messed up post.