I rented a nice appartment near the sea right beside my sister who has schizophrenia. I’ve been there 6 months now and take it in turns to be there along with my other sister so that we can keep an eye on our ill sister. (I have two sisters: I’m the eldest, the one with schizophrenia is the middle one, my other sister is the younger one)
She has been so hostile and horrible to me that I’ve had to move out and go back to my parents because my own mental health is suffering because of her (panic attacks, insomnia, fear that I myself will go mad). I’ve had enough of her.
Now, I’m going to say something controversial. Please do not try to convince me otherwise because I won’t listen. I think she uses her illness label as an excuse to be a bitch to me and I’ve had enough. I no longer care what happens to her. I will no longer look out for her, spend money on her, think about her, drive her to the shops or anywhere else. I have left her in God’s hands and am washing my hands of her.
My other sister is still living beside her in the appartment so she’s not totally alone, but I’ve had my fill. I feel both guilt and relief at walking away from her; not so much guilt for her, but guilt at leaving my other sister to deal with her.
The thing is though, my other sister doesn’t stick up for me when my ill sister starts attacking me which makes me think she doesn’t like me either. You can’t just stand back and watch someone get bullied and abused because you’re scared of them which is what my younger sister’s game has been all this time. She’s sat on the fence too long for me and I’ve had enough of her lack of support.
Either way, my personal life and financial situation has suffered greatly because of the sick sister. She is highly maniuplative, violent, unpredictable, forceful, overwhelming, envious, nasty, horrible, narcissistic person and from this point on I’m cutting her out of my life for good. She basically said to me, “When are you ever going to leave me alone? Why did you move beside me?” The next day, I had packed my bags and left a perfectly nice flat. I now have to pay for a flat until October which I’m not even going to be living in. (I’ll maybe still go up at weekends, but I’m not sure what way it’ll work.)
I’m not her mother. She isn’t my responsibility. She asked me to leave and I left and my other sister sat by while I was getting this abuse. To hell with the both of them.
Sick people should not be allowed to ruin other people’s lives just because they are sick. I have read a lot of posts on this site and others and the general silent consensus is, “Let them do what they want; give them a by-ball because they’re ill.” Well, I don’t agree with this and I would ask for comments specifically from people who agree with my point of view. I need support on this - not criticism. If you reply to me telling me to give her another chance you risk me giving you a harsh reply.
So, please, only people who agree with me, reply. Amen.
My friend who worked successfully to get her scz son on meds while working on the start up of a large NAMI office, taught Family to Family and taught people how to teach Family to Family will have absolutely nothing to do with her sister who has scz.
If you feel this is worthy of a harsh reply go ahead. Sometimes we just need to vent and get it out. My son with his paranoia from scz has a lot to say about what he believes other people think. Personally, my experience with this forum is that it is more diversified. Many of the people on this forum are very firm that abuse should not be tolerated. Edit: to add “In any form”.
Sibling relationships and worse yet, that nightmare of nightmares, sister relationships, can go quite badly.
My friend and I have two female dogs that are littermates. When people come up to us in the dog park and learn the dogs are sisters, they often ask, how do they get along? We always reply “like sisters”. When people say “Oh how sweet!” We smile because we think that sort of reply means they don’t have any sisters.
My older sister is bipolar, years of her verbal abuse (I am six years younger) makes me want to stay far, far away from her. I can finally tolerate being in the same room with her, well, maybe once every couple of years. When she is in verbal attack mode I use the communication methods I learned from dealing with my son. Nowadays I couldn’t care less what she has to say about anything.
Personally, I don’t think anyone should do anything with or for their relation with a brain disorder that they do not want to do. Its a choice and its okay to choose to walk away if that’s what is right for you.
“Now, I’m going to say something controversial. Please do not try to convince me otherwise because I won’t listen. I think she uses her illness label as an excuse to be a bitch to me and I’ve had enough.”
You are not the first person to feel this way.
Your sister would not be the first person to behave this way.
You aren’t alone.
To be honest, I didn’t read your whole message. I don’t need to hear your negativity toward strangers on a website.
I realize you might just need to vent, but there is absolutely nobody on this site who deserves any form of ridicule or righteous indignation.
If there was something constructive hidden within your post, everyone in this community would be happy to offer a sympathetic ear, empathy and support. Or, if you wanted to hear it, some sound advice based on personal experience.
I felt uncomfortable saying the same thing before thinking others might think I am being insensitive or unsupportive… but I have wondered at times if my daughter sometimes uses her illness as a kind of an excuse to get away with things… or to get her way…
I’ve kept an eye out for this behavior too. I think my son doesn’t do it often. But I have always taken the position that the illness can be used as an EXPLANATION for some behaviors, but should never be used as an EXCUSE.
Um… thats not quite how this works…
I think we have discussed in other threads the fact that it can be impossible to draw the line between symptoms and just being destructively selfish sometimes.
I’m sure we have all realized in hindsight that what we thought was a symptom ended up being a selfish ploy and the opposite way around a different times.
I do think it’s a different thing entirely when they are in the middle of a psychotic episode. When mine has totally lost control due to extreme psychosis, he is not into namecalling. At those time he is more into pleading with everything to stop. And then he gets angry when the voices won’t stop.
Thanks everyone, especially HOPE who understands that it’s okay to walk away when you can’t deal with it anymore. I can’t wait for my own life to begin now! I’ve had enough of this tiptowing around schizophrenics.
Oh, and just to add more fuel to the fire for VALPEN and WREKLUS who replied to me when I specifically requested just supporting comments - I actually think my sister is posessed by a demon because her meds aren’t working! Wow. I can’t wait for your scientific replies telling me off. Thanks to HOPE and WINDYHILL63 who very kindly offered me support instead of criticism. All others who felt the compulsion to reply to me, why didn’t you just leave me alone? All I wanted was some support, not criticism.
You were right to walk away.
One author on sz (maybe Dr. Torrey) wrote that you can’t let sz take another victim. Or, don’t let sz ruin your life, too.
My two daughter have a love/hate relationship… there are times when they are the best of buds and others when they act like they could kill each other…
I know that my other daughter feels some resentment at times… she feels that my daughter with MI does use her illness as a free pass or an excuse not to do something…
I know that when they fight that both have valid points in their side of the fight… the fights can get very emotional and one or both end up crying… I hate it when they fight but if I try to get involved they both tell me to go away and they will eventually work it out.
I want to be supportive for my daughter with MI but sometimes it gets so frustrating… and I just want to go off to a private spot and scream.
My Father in law has a sister with bipolar and OCD who lives alone. Usually he has very little to do with her because it often frustrates him when he does… he does at least try to call every once in a while just to make sure she is okay… but usually she doesn’t even answer…
Yes, you do get it:) Our sister dogs totally adore each other - at times- other times they tolerate each other - and every now and then my dog bosses her sister and the sister gets angry and clearly tells her “You are not the boss of ME!” In that very passionate way that only siblings seem to have with each other.
Looks like you got in a fight with your sisters. Dealing with someone with sz can be tough. People with sz live in another world. Depending how stable the person is it can feel like torture. I don’t know your sister’s condition. If she hears voices and suffers from delusions be glad that your not in her shoes. Negative symptoms can be extremely debilitating too. Sz is a cruel disease
She is cruel. But it’s ok, it won’t affect me anymore because I’m walking away from her. Her exact words to me were, “Why do you always follow me? When will you ever leave me alone?” Well, she’s got what she wanted now. No more lifts, no more visits in hospital, no more lending her money, no more listening to her talk about herself. I can’t wait to have her completely out of my life now and out of my head. It’ll take time to exorcise her for good, but I’m telling you, i’ve done enough and she’s in God’s hands now which is far better than me looking out for her. She can go and do what she wants now and I can finally start thinking about myself and my own lift instead of always worrying about her. It’s a relief is what it is.
Thanks Hope. But the difference between me and my sister is that we never adored each other at all. We tolerated each other. I’ve come to accept that some people just will never like me and that’s fine. I don’t have to be around them anymore.
Hi again Windyhill,
Yes, but as I explained to Hope, my sister and I were never really that close. Think of me as a bag lady and she is a celebrity. We’re like chalk and cheese. I only helped her because I felt the whole family loyalty thing, but time’s up with that. It’s the age old Cain and Able story. Tragic, but true.
I could hug you right now for those six words you typed - “You were right to walk away”.
I’ll have no more of people telling me to look out for her. I’ll have no more of the guilt trips saying that I’m the older sister, be the bigger person etc. No more. Someone once said that mental illness is a way to avoid pain in your own life - there’s some truth that you can’t face and if you don’t face it or deal with it in a realistic and truthful manner, then it manifests as a mental illness. I firmly believe that. I’ve had enough with her living in la la land.
My sister and I never adored each other either. She always enjoyed telling me that I was an ugly baby and never outgrew my ugly face.
We create our own environment.
Considering you chose to separate yourself from your sister, your opinions on her disorder are your own.
We reply because you are reaching out for empathy, support and compassion; things you just might be missing sorely these days. It happens to all of us.
We won’t leave you alone to be unheard, with nobody to talk to -because- you reached out.
I assure you that there is empathy and compassion to spare here.
All of us need it. All of us offer it.
And I think it’s worth saying that this thread isn’t about me, or even how you feel about me.
It’s about how you feel about the people close to you and how you feel about yourself, your decisions and your choices.
I suspect that you might be feeling some guilt about some of those things.
I’ve been there.
I’ve felt guilty about pushing my brother out of my apartment, taking him to the hospital, telling him I don’t have time for a phone call.
I’ve done all those things and felt guilt, rightly or wrongly.
I’m going to save this, because I feel like i need to remember this wisdom very often. So many times, what comes out of my mouth is so much more about me than anyone or anything else. It takes a lot of effort and love to remember that and I do such a poor job so much more frequently than I would like. I know this thread isn’t about me at all, but thank you, wreklus, for your wisdom. This reads like a poem and I want to hold on to it.