I feel like my aunt is okay with me sacrificing my life as long as it doesn’t affect hers.
I’m 26 years old, living in London, and I’m an only child. I currently stay with my mum in her council property and help care for her. My mum is 56 and has severe treatment-resistant schizoaffective disorder. She also has diabetes, mobility problems, and other physical health issues. I have reached complete burnout.
For years I’ve been dealing with screaming, verbal abuse, manipulation, constant crises and phone calls, stress around food and household issues, uncleanliness, financial strain, neighbour problems, and feeling like my entire life has revolved around adapting to my mum’s illness.
My mum has no teeth and frequently chokes on food. Ambulances have been called multiple times over the years because of it. There have been countless nights where I’ve been unable to sleep because she’s been awake shouting, screaming, causing noise, chaos, and mess.
Another thing that has completely drained me is the constant cycle of my mum deciding to stop taking her medication, things spiralling out of control, professionals getting involved, things eventually settling down, and then the cycle repeating itself again.
My brain is completely fried from this experience. Years of stress, crises, sleep deprivation, anxiety, and constantly being on alert have taken a huge toll on me. I replay incidents in my head. I get flashbacks to some of the worst episodes. My anxiety is through the roof. I don’t feel like the same person anymore.
I also have ADHD myself and I’m completely burnt out. My concentration is terrible and I don’t feel capable of working right now.
I usually work from home, but because of everything that’s been going on, I’ve struggled massively and recently haven’t been working.
One thing that really got to me was my aunt making comments about how she works from home and doesn’t have any problems.
What frustrates me is that she is comparing working from home in her own quiet house to working from home while living with somebody with severe treatment-resistant schizoaffective disorder. These situations are not remotely comparable.
I’m trying to work in an environment with screaming, crises, constant interruptions, chaos, stress, neighbour complaints, ambulance call-outs, medication issues, and all the other things that come with my mum’s illness.
There have also been incidents that added to the stress. At one point my mum hid my passport. Situations like that might sound small on their own, but when you’re already dealing with everything else, they become overwhelming.
I often don’t even feel comfortable using the kitchen because of some of my mum’s behaviours around food, hygiene, and household items. There have been times where I’ve avoided parts of the house because I don’t know what state I’m going to find them in.
I’m also still recovering from pericarditis during all of this.
My mum is already under a Community Mental Health Team and already has a care package. Carers come twice a day, but they mainly oversee medication and occasionally wash dishes. The reality is that most of the burden still falls on me.
I’ve also previously discussed supported living with my mum’s care coordinator. I was told there wasn’t much point because my mum already has a council property and that supported living often doesn’t provide much more support. The focus felt like it was on the fact she already has a council home rather than on the reality of what living with her is actually like.
Another thing that has really got to me is that there have been times when I’ve felt blamed for the state of the house.
My mum’s illness causes a huge amount of disorganisation, clutter, and chaos. Yet I’ve had my aunt, carers, and even my mum’s care coordinator make comments that left me feeling like the blame was somehow being placed on me.
What frustrates me is that people see the result of severe mental illness but then seem to expect one person to somehow manage all of it.
My aunt knows exactly how severe my mum’s illness is because she has dealt with it herself for many years. She understands it fully.
But she has distanced herself from the situation.
My mum has never been invited to her house. We’ve never been invited there either. Neither my mum nor I even properly know where she lives. When my mum calls her, she often finds a reason to end the call. Whenever help is needed, I hear, “Why can’t he do it?” meaning me.
One thing she often says is that if she didn’t live over an hour away in Kent, she would help more, take my mum in, or be more involved.
The reality is she barely helped even when she lived closer.
There have been many times where she says, “I’ll talk to your mum,” and nothing changes. Or “Just pray.” There have been times where she has laughed when I’ve said how much I’m struggling.
One thing that really disgusted me involved my mum’s clothes.
My mum hoards clothes and buys new clothes she never uses, which contributes to a lot of clutter in the house.
My aunt suggested taking some of the clothes to her house and said that maybe one day my mum could come and get them.
The problem is that neither my mum nor I know where she lives and she has never invited either of us there.
When meaningful help is needed, she’s nowhere to be found. But suddenly when there are bags of clothes available, she wants to get involved. That didn’t feel like help to me. It felt like somebody taking advantage of the situation while making it look like they were helping.
Recently I told my aunt I wanted help finding my own accommodation because I don’t think I can continue living like this long-term.
Instead of support I got:
“You’re a single man. The council isn’t just going to give you a place. Rent is expensive. You should move with your mum so she can get a two-bedroom.”
She has also said that maybe one day I could buy my mum’s council house.
To me that basically sounds like: stay here. Keep being the caregiver. Keep putting your life on hold. Build your future around your mum’s housing situation instead of building a future of your own.
What hurts isn’t just the housing comments.
It’s the fact that everybody else gets to live their own life while I stay here carrying this burden.
At times it feels like my aunt will do everything she can to keep me in this situation. Every time I talk about independence or moving out, I get reasons why it won’t work, why it’s unrealistic, why I should stay.
It feels like I’m being pushed to stay in a role I never chose.
One of the things I find most jarring is that this isn’t coming from somebody who doesn’t understand how bad things are.
She knows.
She has seen it.
She has acknowledged it in the past.
That’s what makes it so frustrating when she downplays what I’m dealing with or acts as though my situation is somehow comparable to hers.
I also struggle with advocating for myself. Because of that, I’ve often struggled to advocate for my mum as well.
I’ve seen situations where I felt my mum wasn’t getting the support she needed, or wasn’t being treated properly, and I stayed quiet because I’ve always struggled with confrontation.
Looking back, I think that’s one reason so much of this has gone on for so long.
But I can’t do this anymore.
I’m burnt out.
My physical health has suffered.
My mental health has suffered.
My ability to work has suffered.
I feel like I’ve sacrificed years of my life to this situation while other family members have been able to move on with theirs.
My mum is currently in hospital under a Section 2, and if I’m honest, part of me feels like I’d be foolish not to use this opportunity to try and change my situation.
For the first time in a long time, she is somewhere with professionals around her 24/7 and the responsibility isn’t falling entirely on me.
I’ve spent years putting my own life on hold while dealing with crisis after crisis. At this point, I don’t want to look back in another five or ten years and realise I stayed in exactly the same position because I was too afraid to make a move.
That’s part of why the comments from my aunt affect me so much. While I’m trying to figure out how to build an independent life, it often feels like the message I’m getting is to stay where I am, keep carrying the burden, and continue sacrificing my future for a situation that has already taken so much from me.
Has anyone else had family members who fully understood how bad the situation was, but still seemed perfectly willing to leave you carrying most of the burden?
Also, if anyone in London has experience with housing options, carers support, Adult Social Services, supported accommodation, homelessness applications, or any route that could help someone in my position build an independent life, I’d really appreciate hearing about it.