I sometimes wonder

Family
1

I sometimes think about some of the things that I have experienced, seen or felt and I wonder why I have not developed, if that is the right word, schizophrenia or psychosis.

I read a lot of the experiences in diagnosed and I can relate to a fair number of them. I was reading today and it caused me to remember a time when I was first recovering from drugs and I used to see someone outside of my sister’s home. I woke up my brother-in-law and he sat up for awhile to keep watch. The next morning he checked the ground and there was no sign of anything being disturbed. Not even by an animal so certainly not by a person skulking about. Once I thought my bed was possessed as every time I touched it, even a little bit, it moved. A psychic told me I was surrounded by bad spirits and to surround my doors and window with sea salt… My bed stopped moving like that :wink: I was only a couple of months clean from drugs which could be the contributing factor…

Through out my life I have believed in spirits and have felt them touch me, luckily in a reassuring way, when I was a young adult. There was a time and I still haven’t ruled it out, that I wanted to be a shaman. I want to learn how to use a crystal ball and be a genuine tarot card reader. I believe in auras even though I can’t see them. My dream store is BG’s (Barbie Girl) Psychic Realm, with beaded curtains and pillows for chairs.

When I was addicted/high I used to talk to my deceased mother… Not sure what else to say about that one except that if I was talking to someone then it wasn’t my mother as there was no way she would have said some of the things that this person seemed to agree with :blush:

I can relate with low self-esteem, shyness and so many other personality traits that seem to cause so much anxiety on this forum. If trauma is contributor then I will only say I have had more then my share of it. If genes are a contributor then I am surrounded by it. My father, my son and a lot of other family members on both my mother’s and father’s side. Drugs. I went overboard on that too and came close to OD’ing on occasion.

Recently while on Champix to quit smoking I thought I could hear voices through the fan in our bedroom. My doctor reassured me this was unlikely and that if the voices/noise wasn’t coherent meaning I couldn’t understand what they were saying then it was not a psychosis related noise. Still I stopped the Champix shortly after that.

I sometimes wonder about my apparently sensitive hearing. My downstairs neighbor’s noise/music bothers me so much more then it seems to bother my husband or my son. I seem to be attuned to it whereas they don’t seem to notice until I say something. I tend to over think and be a worry-wort. I talk to myself more then I talk to any other human being.

I sometimes wonder if I could be a statistic for late on-set… Some studies are linking hormones. What if I was still working at the job where I basically worked 6-7 days a week and stressed me out so much since the financial well being of the company was partly my responsibility. What if I had kept smoking weed and drinking alcohol. Then add peri-menopause on top of it.

Or is all this so that I can better understand my son? Sometimes I wonder to much :smiley:

2

I love this ponder.

I say this in a light hearted way, have you had more coffee then I have today? :wink:

But in a serious response…

I’ve been trying to figure out the word “normal” and I’m beginning to think that there is no “normal” there is standard, but what is normal?

If you permit me… As a person with SZ on the outside looking into non SZ… (I like this switch) :innocent:

After reading your post and knowing a tiny bit of your path… I think some people are sort of open to more channels then I am. My Sis is not Sz, bipolar or any of that… but she’s NOT normal.

When I’m sober, and lucid and stable, I really have a hard time believing in spirits and all the stuff my sis believes in. I also think of @Wave too… I feel I am mentally hooked up to standard cable while my sis and Wave and others here are hooked up to extended cable. I might have the ability to get the extra channels, but they aren’t on.

For others, those channels are open. So they can receive other stuff that I don’t when I’m stable. But I wouldn’t trade my stability for anything. So my sis has a deeper connection to the spirit world then I do. She’s not diagnosed and better functioning. She totally believes in Wicca and the modern green witch, and the connection to nature. I love that about her, but sometimes I have to walk away from her or I’m going to loose my lucid footing.

I wouldn’t guess any late onset in your case. You’re life got you ready to understand your son and be more accepting of what he struggles with. As far as noise sensitivity, I bet hormones could be a factor with that.

It could also be a factor of what someone is used to. Our place is pretty quiet. We’re out here on the point, there’s not much traffic, our neighbors are mostly older don’t have jobs to rush too. It’s a quiet place. My sis can’t TAKE the noise of downtown. She always jumps where there is honking. She’s used to quiet… and blasting noise makes her cringe and tense up. She can’t take noisy places as much as I can’t.

I don’t think my sis has escaped being diagnosed Sz despite her spiritual beliefs. I think she hasn’t been diagnosed Sz because she doesn’t have crippling paranoia and she doesn’t have delusions that she has to compulsively act on, and she has consistent motivation and energy levels. But I feel she does understand or at least has more patience with me then others might due to her beliefs.

Also she was raised by me so she has that exposure as well.

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I was surprised to know my very smart, PHD cousin, who happens to be a chemist/scientist, believes in the paranormal - supernatural to the extent that she does. It just shows you that non SZ people can be tuned in to the unseen as well. I do realize that I was diagnosed SZA/bipolar but mental illness aside, I was always tuned in to the spirit world/ unseen energies. I do believe that people with schizophrenia, bipolar etc… are very sensitive individuals - this what could make them more tuned into the supernatural. Many non SZ people are sensitive as well. I once read a study/research online that siblings of those diagnosed with schizophrenia suffer from other forms of mental illness as well. Depression (my brother), anxiety, bipolar, other mood disoders, substance abuse are rather common within families of people dxed with schizophrenia. People project unseen energies as well. Today when walking my dog, I saw two men talking and laughing about something. They stopped and started to look my way. I casually turned around and walked the other direction. Something did not feel right about them. My intuition told me to leave the scene, it just felt right

  • Rob
4

This is very understandable and explains my brothers perfectly. So that is oddly a bit of a relief.

But it sort of scares me in regard to my sis. Watching her fight off bigger and bigger exam panic and anorexia is hard. But I hope for her, it’s all that hits her. If we can get the crippling exam anxiety off her plate, she’ll have a happier life.

5

Oh I wonder a whole lot about what would have happened if I didnt become psychotic halfway through my senior year of high school. I went from being a military brat, everyone knew I was going to ROTC and that was all I wanted, to be an officer and try out for the SEALs, which was my dream since I was a little kid, 10 years old, but then when I got a testicle infection from partying, couldnt workout, started having psychotic symptoms and so reached out to pot, booze and cigarettes, everyone knew something was fucking wrong.

I was the straight edge kid who worked out for 3 hours a day and was working on my fourth belt in Krav Maga. I became a stoner alky chain smoker in like a month.

I would have, without a doubt have became psychotic after seeing combat, given my genes, birth trauma, childhood psychological trauma and all of that fun stuff. I talked to a good friend of mine who has psychosis off and on who is a combat veteran, and he assured me that I would have seen a good friend become bits and pieces three feet away from me and lose my shit on the spot.

But without the genes and other causation factors, I would have probably have been an officer and possibly a Navy SEAL, I took cold showers every night in high school to condition myself to cold water, thats the hardest part of SEALs training, I did a 45 minute run, an hour or two of Krav Maga and an hour of lifting weights 5 days a week. I had a 3.9 at a prestigious international school. I was on my way for sure and everyone supported my plans, people would praise me for it and word got around that Maurice was one serious little kid. Until I became schizophrenic. Then I became Weed Tobacco Alcoholic IV and lost 45 lbs, went from 185 to 140. People were like “what the fuck is wrong with him”

Its sad, but I am strong today in a different way. Instead of military discipline, I have self discipline, I am a straight A student, competitive powerlifter (joined a competitive team recently) and above all, a highly functioning paranoid schizophrenic. I am proud to be myself, I see it as an equal challenge to what I used to want to achieve. I have suffered enough to count myself as tough and I have beat odds. I never quit functioning, even when I was unmedicated and boozing or smoking pot, I was a full time honors student.

All I ever wanted was to prove myself. I have. All of the nights and days when I was unmedicated, without insight and psychotic but functioning were enough. I sometimes just sit around all day and take a nap, I feel like I am at least a decade older than I really am, I laugh to myself when I realize that I will be only 21 years old in less than a week.

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My son has recently been asking, Why does my life have to be so hard? I don’t have a good answer for him other than, that’s the thing about life - sometimes it is hard.

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This is strange you brought this up.
I was just thinking the same thing about myself afew days ago. I can tell you that perimenpause can have A LOT to do with it! I think the noise thing may have something to do with that also. plus we are getting older ( well, I will speak for myself ) and I can hardly tolerate loud noise anymore. I used to drive with my car windows wide open-now, I can`t because the sound of the traffic is so loud.
I am glad you stopped the Chantix. I have had more then a few friends quit because it somehow caused a depression with them. It sounds like you are going through all the normal things in life

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I’m glad it’s not just me lol More and more I dislike noise.

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Lol—I have to have a fan going at night-which is soothing to me-so I don`t have to hear any kind of traffic noise…oy!