I sometimes think about some of the things that I have experienced, seen or felt and I wonder why I have not developed, if that is the right word, schizophrenia or psychosis.
I read a lot of the experiences in diagnosed and I can relate to a fair number of them. I was reading today and it caused me to remember a time when I was first recovering from drugs and I used to see someone outside of my sister’s home. I woke up my brother-in-law and he sat up for awhile to keep watch. The next morning he checked the ground and there was no sign of anything being disturbed. Not even by an animal so certainly not by a person skulking about. Once I thought my bed was possessed as every time I touched it, even a little bit, it moved. A psychic told me I was surrounded by bad spirits and to surround my doors and window with sea salt… My bed stopped moving like that I was only a couple of months clean from drugs which could be the contributing factor…
Through out my life I have believed in spirits and have felt them touch me, luckily in a reassuring way, when I was a young adult. There was a time and I still haven’t ruled it out, that I wanted to be a shaman. I want to learn how to use a crystal ball and be a genuine tarot card reader. I believe in auras even though I can’t see them. My dream store is BG’s (Barbie Girl) Psychic Realm, with beaded curtains and pillows for chairs.
When I was addicted/high I used to talk to my deceased mother… Not sure what else to say about that one except that if I was talking to someone then it wasn’t my mother as there was no way she would have said some of the things that this person seemed to agree with
I can relate with low self-esteem, shyness and so many other personality traits that seem to cause so much anxiety on this forum. If trauma is contributor then I will only say I have had more then my share of it. If genes are a contributor then I am surrounded by it. My father, my son and a lot of other family members on both my mother’s and father’s side. Drugs. I went overboard on that too and came close to OD’ing on occasion.
Recently while on Champix to quit smoking I thought I could hear voices through the fan in our bedroom. My doctor reassured me this was unlikely and that if the voices/noise wasn’t coherent meaning I couldn’t understand what they were saying then it was not a psychosis related noise. Still I stopped the Champix shortly after that.
I sometimes wonder about my apparently sensitive hearing. My downstairs neighbor’s noise/music bothers me so much more then it seems to bother my husband or my son. I seem to be attuned to it whereas they don’t seem to notice until I say something. I tend to over think and be a worry-wort. I talk to myself more then I talk to any other human being.
I sometimes wonder if I could be a statistic for late on-set… Some studies are linking hormones. What if I was still working at the job where I basically worked 6-7 days a week and stressed me out so much since the financial well being of the company was partly my responsibility. What if I had kept smoking weed and drinking alcohol. Then add peri-menopause on top of it.
Or is all this so that I can better understand my son? Sometimes I wonder to much