I just wanted to thank everyone who has responded to my post. My son is still refusing to take medication, but does have a doctor appointment in two weeks, so that’s good. He’s been managing okay, and talks about how he feels more normal and back to himself than being zombied out on medications. Honestly, he has a point, and I see him more alert, outgoing, and willing to participate than when he’s medicated. On the flip side, he can be unpredictable, and I feel like I’m just waiting for “the bomb to drop”, so that stinks. And when he’s taking medication, it makes me more comfortable.
He actually participated in all of the family functions over Christmas, and it was so nice having him with everyone. And everyone enjoyed having him around too, which was great. There wasn’t any drama until Christmas day, when everyone except he and I had left for a few hours. He wasn’t “happy” with his gift from me and wanted to exchange it for something else that is ridiculously expensive, and I pretty much lost it- does anyone else ever just reach a point where they’ve had enough, and lose it? Anyhow, I went in to another room after saying a lot of things that I shouldn’t have, and calmed down- then came back in to apologize and tried to explain how I was hurt, etc. but the damage was already done. He was snappy, calling me names, etc. for the rest of the day, until we were alone again that evening. He started in again on me, and I told him once again how sorry I was for the things I said, and my eyes started to tear up, which I think must have shocked him, because then he started listening to what I had to say. Things were 100% better after that. Today he’s kind of manic, and keeps calling me at work, wanting me to buy him a car (I’ve told him that he’s not allowed to drive if he’s not taking his meds), and is currently in the fridge grabbing and opening a bottle of wine someone gave me for Christmas, and drinking it. He rarely drinks (counting my blessings on that one) and he also quit smoking a few years ago, which is super great.
In all of this, I have a lot to be thankful for. And I’ve been making a point to do something at least once a week for myself without him around- whether it’s getting together with a friend, walking through stores and looking around, or just going for a long walk or a drive. That’s helping too, so thank you for reminding me to take care of myself.
The one thing I haven’t done that I’ve heard is necessary, is I haven’t “mourned” the loss of the son I once knew- I just can’t bring myself to do that, mainly because I still see him in there more often than not. I guess I feel like once I do that, he’s gone, and I’ve given up hope, which goes against everything that I spiritually believe, and have been holding on to.
I wish each of you a very Happy New Year, and I hope this coming year brings answers and some joy to each of us-