My unmedicated and undiagnosed Sister

[Dodger1985]

I have 4 siblings and the youngest was adopted into the family as an infant. She is now 40 and was born with fetal alcohol effects.

That said, in the last 5-6 years she would appear that she has either SZ or Bipolar with psychotic features. We don’t know for sure because she is undiagnosed and unmedicated. She is also absolutely sure there is nothing wrong with her. ( I have been reading "I am Not Sick, I Don’t Need Help " by Xavier Amador) If my mother was not supporting her 100% financially, I’m sure she would be homeless.

She has been on her acreage for about 2 years now. She was evicted from her apartment and in a panic my mom bought her this place and put it in her name. She pays for everything- house taxes, insurance on house and car, phone, utilities and then gives her $600+ for living expenses. My sister always runs out of money and goes back to my mom for more money and she gives it.

My sister believes that she is part angel and can fly and is in direct contact with God. Now I believe we can all talk to God, but she also believes she has had hundreds of children with Enoch and another old testament person, but not Elijah either, but I can’t remember.

I guess the most frustrating thing is that she is bleeding my mom dry and my mom just sticks her head in the sand and act like nothing is wrong with what’s going on.

My mother just turned 90 this past February and has always enabled my sister to be disabled because of the FAS and my sister is convinced she is helpless. My sister is convinced that God has healed everything and does not trust doctors etc.

Anyone else have the same frustrations?

Thanks

[hope]

Hi Dodger1985, welcome to the forum. We do have several people on the forum with sibling frustrations. I was wondering if you had asked your mom about what preparations she has made for your sister when mom is no longer there to help? Many of the siblings who have been on the forum have had to deal with a total lack of planning on the part of their parents.

Some parents, who are financially able, do make preparations to make sure their disabled children are in a sustainable financial situation.

Glad you found LEAP and Dr Amador, many families deal with endless frustration before learning about anosognosia. While anosognosia isn’t good news at least knowing about it can end the endless circle of expecting your sister to suddenly understand her situation just because it was repeated enough or yelled loud enough. There is a not-so-funny predicament when family members remain in denial about anognosia.

[chimain]

Hello. Another sibling here. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this in your family. The (likely) mental illness and fetal alcohol syndrome make for a double disability.

Many of us on this forum can relate to your frustrations.

My own brother says he has angel friends and saint advisors with whom he discusses matters and sorts out the universe. That is just the tip of the iceberg. I won’t go into it all, suffice to say his thoughts on those topics are his to have, and as long as he doesn’t hurt anyone, I don’t try to convince him otherwise. It saves me a lot of time and energy. I didn’t always know this. It used to really bother me, but it’s been several decades now since he was diagnosed and I’ve learned to focus on helping him and monitoring him in other ways.

Seems like housing for your sister will continue to be very difficult, and getting her to a diagnosis when she doesn’t trust doctors will be hard. In my brother’s case, he was court ordered to start taking meds, and he now complies, so I hope someone on this forum who didn’t have to go that route can offer suggestions to you on how to possibly get her to accept help.

I’m guessing your mother has done the best she thinks she can do, even though you don’t agree. I hope you and your other siblings, if they’re involved, can move forward somehow with new ideas. Keep reading here; there’s lots of great advice. Good luck.

[Dodger1985]

Thanks for the response!
It has been frustrating and there really is no way to get her to treatment because she is not hurting herself or others.

We wish mom hadn’t put the house in her name because the property most likely will have to be razed eventually. She doesn’t mow because God said the grass needs to be left alone for the animals. Hence rodents abound. She is also a hoarder.

She has closed herself off to the family, but many of us have problems with her delusions and only recently have I realized/learned that the lack of insight to having an illness is a part of the illnesses.
We are afraid my sister is going to bleed my mother out of money, which is so unlike my mom. She has been frugal all her life.

Thanks again!

[Dodger1985]

My mom does have a trust set up for her and my two brothers are the executors, so they would take care of that. So whatever is left, her 5th would go into there to be managed. We have told mom that if she keeps spending as she is, there will be nothing left help her with. My sister has the idea that the total inheritance should go to her since she has FAS. Years ago my dad had a trust set up for her that has expired because she was past the age of 25. She thinks that is still in play even though we told her it isn’t. She does not know about the trust because mom doesn’t want to deal with her on that. We said we would take care of that after she’s gone.

[megmeg]

Another sibling here,

Even if she’s not willing to accept a diagnosis she can still apply for disability or someone in the family can apply for her if she’s not already on SSI or SSDI.

If she doesn’t plan on working then it’s a way to supplement her money I wonder if that would make sense to her?

My sibling doesn’t accept his diagnosis and applied for disability over and over again due to what he thinks is a back injury but when he finally got on it it was due to a mental disability.

He’s still claims he’s on it because of a physical disability.

And then what about all the programs that she should be qualifying for because she is little to no income that could relieve your mom of some of the things she’s paying for, your sister should qualify for food stamps, electrical help like LIHEAP, and if the house is in her name there’s a lot of programs that she may qualify for weatherization, appliance repair , etc.
She may even qualify for meals on Wheels or a program like that in the area. Hopefully relieving your mom of more of the expenses she’s paying.

Unfortunately if your sister won’t work with a social worker and you do want to find out about these programs you kind of need to become your own social worker which is a lot of time and effort but if she will cooperate with some of the programs even being l. unmedicated it should relieve some of the cost.

I would look to maybe a local church group or community group that may take care of the yard for her.

She could be told if she doesn’t comply with keeping the grass cut it could become a city issue.

However it sounds like she is in a single residence on acreage which to be honest is probably one of the best places for her.

I really hope to find my sibling something like that as both of our parents have passed now and he can no longer stay in my deceased father’s residence. It’s been proven over and over again to me that he also cannot live around other people. , he has times he can interact quite well actually living with someone is not good for him.

There’s also guardianship if you have not looked into that either State appointed guardianship or a family member can apply to be a guardian. If you think she’s getting to a point she couldn’t take care of herself.

But maybe you can try to help set up a community around her so all of the burden is not on your mom I know that’s a lot easier said than done because my sibling is very rarely willing to work with anyone and it takes a lot to gain their trust.

I’m glad you shared here and you found the forum and I hope you find more and more support for yourself

Thank you for sharing in this space!,

[Julie1]

How difficult and frustrating is the situation with your mother and sister. There is a codepency that isn’t easily broken or overcome. In those situations trying to convince someone the reality of the situation is just plain hard, no impossible.

Considering her age would your mother be open to learning from an aging agency or a family type therapist or mediator? Old patterns are hard and challenging to break unless your mother is really able to see and work through this.

You need to take care of yourself in terms of finding your own therapist or coach who can help you. Don’t go it alone! You haven’t mentioned if there are other siblings or close relatives or friends. Find a support group for yourself and if your mother is open listen, listen, listen to what she is really saying underneath. Often mothers like myself feel a sense of guilt and take too much responsibility when it comes to their children. You can go online to listen to Dr. Amador and I think he offers classes.

Attend NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) support groups for friends and family who are experiencing a loved one struggling with a mental health issure can be helpful. Check it out online.www.nami.org.

You can call the police department for a wellness check though they won’t do anything unless the person is a harm to themselves or others.

Take care of yourself! Ask the Lord to guide you in the steps you need to take.