Yes I understand things escalating out of control in a matter of seconds. I would stand there dazed. I too wondered how my doors stayed on their hinges. A 19 year old body having a temper tantrum because he wasn’t getting his own way. It can be very scary. If he was 5 or 10 how much damage could he do but with his strength that became it’s own issues.
I can’t say for sure exactly what has helped my son to cut down on pot. All of it I guess. He still brings alcohol into the home but I find it and throw it away. I have a copy of the apartment rules tapped to our coffee table.
Brush teeth daily - Shower weekly - Do own laundry (This one is more of a guideline than strict rule)
Clean up own messes
Try not to swear - Zero tolerance swearing at Mom or Frank (My husband)
No slamming doors
Drugs, bongs, hookahs, pipes, alcohol, etc. - zero tolerance in apartment
No rolling cigarettes in living room - do in own bedroom
No chewing tobacco or pipe tobacco in living room - own bedroom
Sleep in own bed
Consequences of swearing excessively or at Mom or Frank and slamming doors is no internet
Consequences of leaving messes or sleeping on couch is no laptop in living room
Drugs, bongs, hookahs, pipes, alcohol, etc. will be thrown away.
Chewing tobacco, pipe & tobacco if in living room will be thrown away.
I had one of my son’s workers go over these with him and ask him if anything was unreasonable. He agreed that they were not unreasonable. He could go long periods without swearing if I wasn’t home and as soon as I walked in the door he started swearing. Unconsciously he was pushing my buttons. If I reacted than it only fueled him therefor allowing him to continue with self destruct meaning get high or drunk because he couldn’t deal with my shit. My shit being to follow the above rules that he agreed were reasonable.
It was hard on him for awhile because he could not see that his own defiance was getting in the way. That’s when I looked up Oppositional Defiance Disorder and adults with ADHD as my son has always had underlying symptoms of ADHD. Still harder because unfortunately he does have SZ and getting high triggers his positive symptoms and negative symptoms in my opinion. What was obvious to me, he could not see. For 12 - 24 hours after getting high he was distracted. Hard to concentrate on things. Not sleeping right. Not eating. Negative attitude because his own feelings were yet again out of control. Anxiety up again because of withdrawal. He wants to drink and smoke pot like any other teenager. He put all of his negativity onto me. I was being unreasonable. Then we would have small delusions pop up where he would tell me that his dad is going to call me to make arrangements for him to move back with him. He would wait for the phone call that wasn’t coming. Or the job that his friend’s dad was going to get him so that he could move out away from my bullshit. I couldn’t argue any of these things. I tried a couple of times. Talked to his dad with him in the room. He just looked confused so I stopped responding to these delusions. I stood my ground. I kept myself calm. I walked away from him when he started being negative. It’s hard to argue with yourself. My husband and I left the home on several occasions. Me in tears at my sisters but my son didn’t know this. I couldn’t let him know that he got to me because the next time he would push harder to manipulate me into giving in. I know all this sounds pretty harsh but he was being controlled by his addiction and it was doing what it needed to survive. My feelings were of no consequence.
In September he had his sixth break in three years. Started with alcohol, then not taking his medications, then a lot of pot. Within about 5 days he decompressed to the point of being dehydrated, his lips were chapped and he hadn’t slept in days. I could barely get water into him. Hysterical laughter and then the voices. I had him admitted. He resented me for this. I figure it goes with the territory. Once he was stable enough and tried to blame me for having him admitted just for not eating, I did my best to explain that one can’t get admitted for just not eating. Did he remember thinking he was a vampire, in a gang and chewing on my fingernails to prove they weren’t made of diamonds. It got a lot worse once he was admitted and it took time for the medications to start working again since he didn’t have any in his system.
I think this last break was a bit of an eye opener for my son. He will sometimes say things now about his schizophrenia and recognizes that pot use caused each of his 6 hospitalizations. Between me standing firm on boundaries and not letting him blame me for his own actions he has started to realize some things. If he doesn’t like it here at home he has resources available to him that will help him be an adult and self supportive. It’s been pointed out to him that no where else can he live for $500 a month where all of his bills and food are taking care of with a build in cook and cleaning lady. He is under my roof and the only privileges he has are the ones I want to give him. Don’t like it… move. Even when he was inpatient and starting swearing at me, I walked away. He was not swearing at the nurses so again capable of controlling himself. I wouldn’t let a stranger rent a room from me and treat me or my home with so much disrespect. Because he is my son and I love him he was still here, by my choice.
I did all of this while still telling him that I loved him. Whether he understood my actions or not they were all because I loved him and believe that he is capable of doing so much better. I admitted him because I love him. I walk away from him because I love him. I tell him: I love you but I am not going to let you talk to me that way. I love you but no I will not buy you this. You spend your money on alcohol and that was your choice, not mine. I’m your mom and I love you but I’m not your maid. Pick up your mess. And I walked away from the negative attitude that was to follow. It was tough for a long time. I would be on the verge of breaking (ready to have him physically removed from the apartment if needed) and out of the blue he would do something like make me a tea. I strongly believe that somewhere in there was a part of him that wanted me to love him no matter what. We just needed to get past all the negative bullshit to reach it. So I stopped playing into it.
Currently he is mostly med compliant and has gained some insight. He says he doesn’t need to be fixed. I agree. His positive symptoms however do need to be controlled enough for him to make a life for himself. He still drinks and even gets a little drunk but if he brings inside the home I throw it out. I don’t get mad just take it and throw it away. He still smokes pot on occasion but doesn’t get stoned out of his head anymore. If I find a pot pipe I throw it away. He is on a good combination of medications that help him deal with his anxiety so that he doesn’t need to self medicate with pot like he used to. Because he has had a chance to see what it is like to be positive symptom free and that there is a life outside of pot, a happy life, then I think this is helping him to have a different outlook.
I know none if this particularly helps you with your son right now. Just don’t give up and know that sometimes tough love can work. You don’t have to sacrifice your own respect to be there for him. As long as my son is not in psychosis or experiencing positive symptoms then my boundaries are in place and I will do so with love. If it all goes south tomorrow then I will know that I did my best from a place of love and that even if only for a short time my son got to know what the possibilities are.