Hello everyone, I’m new here. Sorry about my English, it’s not my 1st language.
I have a romantic relationship for almost 2 years with someone who has schizophrenia. We are both over 35yo. This person is self-aware and is concerned with the loss of memory and reality. Doesn’t have hallucinations but in stressful moments has distortions of what really happened, or the reasons why things happened.
When things go wrong, no matter what I do or don’t, blames me. Which is ok. I prefer that, rather than seeing him self-blaming. But I keep losing him because of “doing” this wrong things.
I never, ever, defend myself or try to say that reality was different…
Because I’m afraid it would seem I’m blaming him (and it’s not the case, most of the times there is just no one to blame, it’s just the way things are) and because telling the truth seems cruel. I don’t want to provoke more fear to someone who is already scared of losing mental capacities. And because it wouldn’t change the past anyway. And because I obviously love him and don’t want to say anything that could cause more harm.
I just keep quiet.
Should I try to tell the truth? And when?
(of course this is just a small detail of our lives, there is so much more that I try to figure out everyday).
Thank you for reading. I know there is no such thing as an answer that fits all the situations. I’ll appreciate any advice.
Hi @maria000 I wonder if its a good idea to not support reality when your person is concerned with reality.
When our family members aren’t self aware we do advise against arguing with them regarding reality - along the lines of Dr Amador’s LEAP communications. But, your person is self aware and is concerned with reality.
I know when my son is having better days he counts on me for his reality checks.
Hi @maria000 welcome to the forum. You ask a sort of hard question, as there isn’t, in my opinion, a hard rule about when to say what to a person who is perhaps not experiencing reality the right way. Sometimes it is best not to insist on the truth of reality. Sometimes you can’t deny if something isn’t real. I had a great deal of success with “agreeing to disagree” when I couldn’t agree with what my loved one said. That is also from Dr. Amador’s Book, as @hope mentioned to you. Have you read that book? It took me a few reads to figure out how to best use the LEAP method with my daughter.
It sounds like this relationship is important to you.
First of all you need to be true to yourself. If truth and is an important value or virtue you need to ask first of all - Are you being honest or truthful to yourself? No pretending that you are someone you aren’t with the other person. It is important that you value who you are and not just be there for the other person. Don’t try to be the person you think he needs you to be.
Secondly you can be empathetic but it’s important that you don’t enable the other person. You are responsible TO the other person but not responsible FOR the other person.
LEAP Is a good system though it involves first of all Listen to not just the words but what is said behind the words such as feelings and thoughts.
Dr Amador does not agree with what is reality for them but does express ‘if that is happening I would be afraid too’. The focus isn’t on the false reality but what feelings it gives the person.
Remember you are not to blame or responsible for his emotions or behavior. You can only change yourself. Only he can change his emotions and behaviors. Please don’t take on the false blame he imposes on you. This is not right.
It is important that he is getting his own therapy with a good psychologist and/or psychiatrist. Also support groups with others struggling with SMI can be extremely helpful.