My son is in his second residential care facility in 2 months - and it looks like he might get ‘discharged’ from this one, due to non-compliance. I feel like I am running out of options.
He won’t get up for his morning meds. He refuses to go to the day program.
I have been being nice to him, trying to reduce his stress - bringing him foods, taking him out - but I am beginning - no, I AM feeling taken advantage of at this point. Yet I also know that placing conditions on things makes him that much angrier and uncooperative.
I KNOW he doesn’t have insight. I also know that he is very capable of resisting and holding out longer than anyone I have ever known.
I’m sure it does - he is 24 years old. His delusional ideas include that he is the smartest man on the planet, and that he has made many important scientific discoveries - also that the military and aliens are monitoring him and that he has to keep peace between them.
His day is spent reading, both books and on the internet, listening to music (and believing many of the female musicians are in love with him), and lecturing people around him on anything from diet, to sociology, to semiotics, to philosophy, to astronomy.
I am his guardian, which might actually complicate things - I don’t think I can just turn away and let him be homeless.
You have been having a tough go of it. I can certainly understand feeling like you are being taken advantage of. When my son is being difficult it’s I’m an adult and you can’t tell me what to do and this is none of your business but while your cleaning up my mess can you make me something to eat? I don’t need to hear your crap because I already know everything and your stressing me out. Can you help me buy…? I’m almost out of cigarettes…
Yup your an adult
I don’t know what to tell you. To a certain degree I refuse to let my son talk to me or treat me like his minion. I do have minimal rules and consequences. If he swears at me or my husband or slams doors then he loses the internet. It’s my internet. If he wants his own then he can go get it. If his life is not my business then he can start looking into another place to live. I figure if my son can treat others with respect then he can treat me with respect. It’s a choice not to. Of course all of this gets met with attitude.
I used to think that it was lack of insight or anosognosia but slowly I realized that a lot of it was learned behavior. Refusing to listen is a choice. Listening and not understanding is different. I’m sorry that you are going through such a tough time.
I totally understand your situation - I have the same problems with my son. It is beyond frustrating. Anyone from the outside looking in could not possibly understand the dilemma we as parents face. Most of the time my son acts as if there is absolutely no love in his heart for me or his dad, even though we treat him well and support him in every way. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even try to engage him in conversation. Our best means of communication is by texting and we live in the same house (his living quarters is basement apartment though). Some people say, kick him out, I would - he is using you. OK, that might be true, but bottom line is, he is mentally sick and he is my son. If he was not sick, he would have been out a long time ago. But if he was not sick, he would not behave the way he currently does. Damn, I hate this disease. Sorry, didn’t mean to go off on a rant. I don’t have any good advice either. I just hate this disease and what it has done to our precious children. I do think my son’s jail time has scared him, so I think and hope that he at least is med compliant, but I’m pretty sure he smokes pot and Lord knows what else. I hope things turn out positive for you and your son, it is such a tough situation. I pray every night for all of our children and us parents too, but will say a special one for you and your son:)
I am 17 and was diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 14. For the first two years I was believeing many delusions and was not listening to my parents and being disobedient to them. It is not a behavior that is learned it is his thought processes. I had no insight but with new medication I started to come to grip with reality. The best approach to reach him is to not argue with his delusions, you need to make him come to terms that he has a illness. Make him do research about schizophrenia. With this illness it takes time, try to be patient with him. The better you approach his situation, rather then fighting it, the better relationship you will build with your son.
It’s hard when the disorders themselves are getting in the way of insight. Not just schizophrenia but addiction as well. Keeping you and your son in my thoughts as well.
Hi. Valleypenne. If you think a state hospital will help him than it might not be a bad idea to put your name on the waiting list. If his name ever gets to the top of the list in the future but he doesn’t need it anymore, than no harm done. Just tell them you don’t need them anymore. But who knows how your son will be doing 5 months or 5 years from now. His name just might come up in the future when he desperately needs it. Just put your name on the list and forget about it. That’s what I did for my current living situation.I was seeing a therapist about 8 years ago. She told me about this place and she suggested I apply .I called them up and they told me it was a five year wait. So I put my name on a waiting list and went about living my life. I wasn’t planning or counting on living here but after four years my name came up! And it came up at a good time. I have now been living here for 4 years. I live by myself in a nice studio in a complex for seniors and disabled people. My rent is 1/3 of my income, about $500.00 a month.
Thanks for your response Barbie. My son has figured out a way to avoid being told he is an adult - he read somewhere that males brains don’t fully mature until 25 - so he thinks he is still a teenager! (Of course he still wants adult privileges.)
I am taking a break from doing anything for my son for a few days, to let him consider his choices - either follow the minimal rules at the residence - med compliance and attending day program - - or get moved to a more restrictive setting. He is of course very angry with me. Oh well, that is nothing new.
Hi Joelsgirl - I actively sought out residential care facilities in the area, with the help of the social worker at the hospital. I am his rep payee and his guardian, so I am able to make decisions on his behalf.
lovemyson - I didn’t hear any ranting in your response, only the pain and frustration of this disease. Other parents who have “neuronormal” kids just don’t get it - they can say whatever they want, it is not so easy as just - kick them out. My son doesn’t have the skills to get a job, much less keep it - he would go into an interview and start talking about philosophy or some crap! And he has no friends to crash with. I appreciate all those special thoughts out there for me and my son.
chrisjjack - thanks for your response! I don’t argue with his delusions at all, no matter how they might annoy me - his delusion of being of a superior class of people really gets to me, and really impairs his social interaction! He has done some research, and now whenever he doesn’t like what I say, he tells me I am being psychotic - tho I have never said such a thing to him.
I know he is frightened by some of his delusions about the military, I try to remember that when interacting with him.
Nick - good to get your input again. Right now I am going to pursue what is called a Level II assessment in this state, which will then open up other possible residences that are better equipped to deal with someone who is not functioning well at a lower level of support. I like your idea too of just putting his name on the list and then forgetting about it, and then seeing where we are if a spot opens up.
There are also a few apartments that also provide resident support - I might go ahead and get on a list for one of them too.
I hate to say it, but as amazing and supportive as my parents are, I went through an anger phase and didn’t appreciate them and was a very cold and horrid person.
I ended up homeless and then ended up in a group home. That was when I started to turn around. I know my parents love me. But my anger phase really changed in the group home. Looking back it did help me get over my anger. I had to grow up too.
I just checked to see if he had gotten up for his morning meds - nope. I sent a text to him saying I am sorry he made that choice - his response - “Shut up. Okay you live in America, and there’s no sense to it except how societal opinions inform the essences of a philosophical society.”
How can I even respond to that? Back to hospital? He is not a danger to anybody, but he is clearly not stable.
I couldn’t help but smile when I read that your son is researching when a male brain fully matures. It can be amazing the effort that can be put into researching things that my son considers to be important yet turns his back on or refuses to acknowledge things that don’t serve him. Plenty of times my son has told me that I’m being psychotic, unreasonable, uncaring and even stupid. Yet accuses me of saying these things to him. I call this transference. It’s like somewhere there is a recognition that this behavior is happening but possibly due to anosognosia or denial he can’t see that the behavior is originating from himself. I find not responding is the best response when these things happen.
