I currently have no friends. I distance myself from people who try to get close to me because I know we’re just going to end up to different in all ways or I feel no connection. I avoid going out if I can. The only thing I go out for is checking the mail, doctor’s appointments, or grocery shopping. All my other shopping I do online. I have Aspeger’s Syndrome (High-Functionig in the Autism Spectrum), so I don’t normally enjoy small talk. I avoid looking at people in the eye, it physically hurts to look at them in the eye or smile. I seem pretty normal to most people because I’ve studied how to elevate my vocal tones or lower them to the appropriate situation, but they just think I’m shy and reserved, and of course, quite awkward. I’ve had panic attacks while grocery shopping or on the bus, where I just freeze or need to get off immediately, but luckily my fiancé is usually with me. I dread when people come to me, which is quite often since I look like an intelligent, innocent, helpful person, all of which I am, but it makes me uncomfortable to speak to strangers. I don’t know how to continue conversations very well with people, eventually all the topics get discussed and there’s nothing else to talk about that’s interesting or any emotional connection to them (speaking of friends). I’m not close to family either and the love I had for my mom as a child was lost because she was abusive my whole life and never let me speak. My anxiety is/was so bad that I had selective mutism in 6th and 7th grade partially. People would make fun of me all the time because I stuttered up until high school and then I trained myself to speak better. I went to speech therapy as a kid once recommended by psychologist who diagnosed me when I was three, but my mom didn’t take me anymore because she thought I would just grow out of it. I still struggle with putting thoughts into words verbally, but I’m excellent at writing so most of the friends I had were online friends. I feel okay not having any friends because that way no one bothers me and I don’t have to worry about anyone and my fiancé makes up for the hole of not having anyone. I feel desolate about it sometimes though because I think about things I wanted to do with and how embarrassing it would be to not have one friend or family members at my wedding because of the disconnect. I’ve never been on par with people my age, they’ve always said I’ve been more mature than anyone my age. I once wrote an essay in 7th grade pretending to be a University student in my 2nd year and the teacher sent it and I actually passed as a university student to that school. I wish I could understand people and why they like the things they like or like to talk about the things they like to talk about that I find so bleak and shallow. I have tried to though, very hard to fit in, yet I’ve never really succeeded. All people have ever seen me is as an overly nice or intelligent person as I’ve tried. At least I was pretty enough and intelligent that all the guys in my high school wanted to date me, lol! The other day though, I managed to have a full conversation with my driver about nails and bruises and I suggested two products for her. I’ve observed that the instant you compliment someone a conversation is started; but you don’t want to overdo it, just very light complimenting to begin a subject. Also if you ask questions to people about themselves, but not creepy ones like, “Where do you live?” I haven’t gone to a mall since 8 years ago, I never enjoyed shopping with my mom because she would spend anywhere from 5-8 hours there and there were a lot of people. She always made me try on clothes that I didn’t like or wear colors like pink, blue, or purple, which I detested. I still can’t stand purple and avoid blue due to itss brightness. I mostly just wear black clothes, you can wear them anywhere. Except the supermarket or in your neighborhood, people look at you oddly when you wear all black, so sometimes I’ll try to mix a pink too with black pants or a white sweater on top. I bought a maroon sweater the other day, I’m excited to wear because I like the smell of new clothes. Due to tactile sensitivity I’ve always avoided touching people or hugging/kissing them, I can feel their touch linger on for months or years. My mind doesn’t let my body forget about it. It’s all neurological. Ironically my fiancé also has Autism and SPD, but no social anxiety whatsoever.