Ive never said that out loud. I don’t remember a discussion about my mams illness being a secret, it just always was. As a child the need to protect her and shield her from negativity was overwhelming. Not sure when or how I began doing that.
The illness progressed in my teens and our relationship changed. Intense overwhelming love was always there between us. She needed me, desperately needed me in the dark times. So I was there. For her. A little girl. Psychosis and fear and terror took over her world and her child was all she had.
I am 38 now. Mam of 2 sons. My relationship with my mam is strained. I battle with resentment. It is so so important to me that my son’s know and feel that they are top of my list. The most important. Their welbeing and welfare is paramount and will always come before anyone else, before me.
I have always noticed someone having that feeling. Mostly friends in my teen years. It wasn’t a conversation or reassurance with words. It was a belief. Normality. The knowledge of being all that matters to someone. How incredible. I was always jealous of that.
For the caregiver, its almost always very traumatic. You dont realize how much until you turn the light to
yourself. Especially when you have done the caregiving yourself-without much support. So sorry.
Welcome to the forum…
My heart goes out to you. My mom has SZ too and it was just her and I against the world. I tried keeping her illness a secret from my friends in HS but the good friends knew the truth. Psychosis and fear took over our relationship and she was hospitalized once or twice a year and most times I’d have to call 911 and it took a team of men to get her out from under the bed. It is traumatizing to witness. What would you say is the hardest part of being a caregiver to your mom?
Sorry for late reply. After initially sharing my story I have struggled with feelings of disloyalty and guilt. Totally irrational but tough at same time.
I have found so many different aspects of my mams illness extremely difficult over the years. As a child I was blessed with long stretches of happy ‘well’ life. Was only her and I and we were so close, connected. I have lots of happy memories from childhood. The ‘unwell’ times were few but also scary. I recall feeling very confused and lost when illness took over and my mam, who was my world…changed and I was frightened of her. I would then call my aunt and she would come and have it out with my mam. I’d hide upstairs confused. Listening to the voices. Then my mams sobs. In early hours of hear my aunt call up to me ‘everythings ok now’
Life would be happy again.
No one ever asked me if I was ok.
The hardest thing whilst caring for my mam is not allowing the resentment to creep in. I think.
Its not her fault. The illness is so cruel. Have to remind myself of that every day.