This is my first post, and it took me a bit to find the new forum, but here I am.
My son has been in psychosis for four months, so he has the offical diagnosis of scizophreniform disorder, but with all the research I've done, I'm predicting the change to SZ in two months. He's 17 and four days before Thanksgiving, I came home from taking my 15 year-old daughter to school, and my son was in a full blown panic attack with suicidal thoughts. Took him to ER, where he was then taken to hospital for depression and anxiety. He was given Paxil and Buspar and sent home on Thanksgiving. Over the next month he lost orientation to time, and then a few days after Christmas he was fully in psychosis and has spent a total of two months in hospital. He's been home for a month, still in psychosis as we try new meds.
Our life as we knew it is gone. I miss my son. He was always shy with others, but not with us. He was so funny with dry sarcastic humor to match my own. I worry so much about everything. Will he ever get out of psychosis, will he ever finish high school, let alone go on and get a career in music that's he's always dreamed of, and will all his friends just trickle away?
He had a 4.21 gpa in school and is musically gifted to the point of prodigy. Was in three bands with young adults, and also played with a jazz trio of adults making $400 a show. He can play guitar, bass, sax, and drums excellently.
Amazingly, he's retained his ability to play, but the ability to be on stage, or interact with others? No.
How have I changed? In every conceivable way. Our home is as quiet as a tomb at most times, because excess sounds are confusing to him. No TV, no boisterous conversations, and no teasing with anyone in the family as he takes it literally even if directed at someone else.
Strangely, when he plays the noise doesn't bother him (perhaps it quiets the voices?), and me either as at least I know what he's doing.
I've only been able to glean a small amount of what is going on with him as he doesn't talk about it, but he hears voices, both male and female, they seam to make him laugh. He sees the world in vivid colors, and has seen figures that are not there. Our faces at time look "weird" to him, but not sure how as he never articulates much of anything. I'll get one bit of info every once in a while (only ask occasionally), but then can't ask follow up questions as he gets aggravated and just says, "I don't know."
I used to cherish my alone time, the quiet, being able to write. That's gone. I now look forward to bedtime and the scarce couple of hours when I'm up before him.
My daytime now consists of clock watching for meds, worrying every time he's not in the same room, making up excuses for checking on him, and hoping for the voices to stop in his head. Occasionally I'll see a glimpse of the old him, but it quickly fades into his new reality, which is not reality.
I fear I'll never be able to leave him for longer than a trip to the store. I took my daughter last week to Florida for Spring Break, which was supposed to be a family vacation, but... Anyway, he did not do well with my husband, he thought I'd left my husband because he cheated on me. I stayed the other two days because I'm trying to keep life somewhat normal for my daughter, but that is not easy.
I am also numb now. Used to go to the bathroom to cry, but now I'm just going day by day.
Sorry for the long post...don't have many people to talk to about all this.