Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Upsetting Comments and how to deal


#1

Hi - My son is paranoid schizophrenic and has been off meds for two year and very ill. I went to lunch with business friends that I see once a year and last year I mentioned to the group that my son is mentally ill as one of the ladys was going around the table asking about everyone’s children. I was honest. She looked shocked and basically asked me how I felt that he wasn’t as perfect as the other ladies children, seriously, that is what she said. This year she said to me, so how is your son, I know you were having “trouble” with him last year. .It ISN’T trouble, he is ILL I was about to explain this but then everybody stopped talking and changed the subject. I thought about calling her her and explaining that my son has a brain disease. Any ideas? Also, my son refuses to take medication and I see lots of topics on that subject so I will read them, thank you.


#2

I’m sorry to sound harsh, but they all seem to be some very ignorant, stupid, righteous little souls. Better not waste your energy on them. Maybe call that woman, if that will make you feel better ( and maybe she will feel ashamed for at least a minute).


#3

I didn’t think they were that way, especially the one who made the comment, but I think you are right it’s ignorance. They are business associates that I deal with quite often via email though and not face to face and not friends really. I feel as though she should call me and say hey I’m really sorry about making those crappy comments!


#4

Maybe it is because I come from the culture of ‘you better not talk about that’, maybe because I know too many people who are just like those you described them, but I really understand that kind of mentality and how frustrating can it be to deal with it.

Notice how she use the ‘periphrasis’ or the euphemism for yours son schizophrenia. They are not only afraid of the unknown but they will do anything to keep away from it.


#5

Yes, I believe it is the culture of not talking about it and fear and I’m frustrated beyond belief because I am a very open person and I can’t lie and say everything is fine when it isn’t, but lately I haven’t said anything to anybody unless I have to because no one gets it or understands and that is why I am here. Very good point about the periphrasis… Total fear I think and not wanting to be a part of it.


#6

Well I guess it is good that you only have to see them once at year.
This it the most supportive online community ever! Hope you’ll find what you are seeking for.


#7

Thank you, I appreciate your comments. This place looks like a great resource and I hope to get some help and I think I will.


#8

I have schizophrenia. When I finished school at age 24, I lived at home with my parents for the next 8 years.

When I met my Mom’s friends, they wanted to know all about me because they had heard so much about how wonderful I was from my Mom. They would ask me questions like, “What kind of music do you like?” and so forth.

When I would meet my Dad’s friends, they would act like they were surprised that my Dad had a son who fit my description. They would act like they had never heard a thing about me from my Dad.

J.


#9

Jayster, thank you for your comment. I see what you getting at and I am very remiss in the fact that I didn’t say to these people that my son is a very talented artist and a writer. I will remember that the next time someone asks me about him. I forgot to mention, I have depression myself so I have a tendency to dwell on the negative.


#10

My Mom said she got a lot of rude and condescending comments when I was in onset

… like the one you got…

Mom said it simplified her life by getting rid of a lot of “fake friends” who chose snotty gossip rather then having an honest conversation.


#11

my partner gets a lot of comments from her parents about me, stuff like “i bet you’re sick of taking care of her” or “she can do it she just chooses not too” stuff like that. They act like it’s not easy being sick but what do they know. Most of the time partner doesn’t even tell me when they say stuff like that cause she knows it upsets me, she says she knows the truth and that’s what should matter to me.


#12

I have been living in a world like that too.

Chances are that futile attempts to educate people will not help my family member who has sz (also currently untreated).

When acquaintances ask, “How is _________ doing?”, I say “good” (or “well” if the grammar police are also present). I’m telling the truth; it’s all relative. People on the forum understand how much it means when someone goes from taking a shower once every couple weeks to once every couple days. People here understand how good it is when someone eats food each day…

I am not close to anyone who has a more difficult struggle than my family member with sz (not trying to compare struggles in general; describing only my personal experience). I can’t believe how much effort it takes to live with these illnesses. If those ladies attempted to understand what your son is going through, they would respect him deeply.


#13

A) Some people are so socialized that they are… inappropriate.

B) Here’s my usual propaganda for those new to the forum. Treatment resistance is covered in the books and elsewhere.

  1. Get a copy of these books, read them and have your family read them, as well. (Torrey can be a bit totalistic and unwilling to see exceptions to his “rules” at times, but most of his book is really worth the effort to plough through.)
    http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Schizophrenia-6th-Edition-Family/dp/0062268856
    http://www.amazon.com/The-Complete-Family-Guide-Schizophrenia/dp/1593851804/ref=as_sl_pc_tf_til?tag=schizophren0c-20&linkCode=w00&linkId=XKLY6NWSWJSQ3VYN&creativeASIN=1593851804
  2. Get properly diagnosed by a board-certified psychopharmacologist who specializes in the psychotic disorders. One can find them at…
    http://doctor.webmd.com/find-a-doctor/specialty/psychiatry and https://psychiatrists.psychologytoday.com/rms/
    .
  3. Work with that “psychiatrist” (or “p-doc”) to develop a medication formula that stabilizes their symptoms sufficiently so that they can tackle the psychotherapy that will disentangle their thinking.
    .
  4. Psychotherapies for that currently include…
    DBT – http://behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm
    MBSR – http://www.mindfullivingprograms.com/whatMBSR.php
    MBCT - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22340145
    ACT – https://contextualscience.org/act
    .
  5. the even newer somatic psychotherapies like…
    MBBT – https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/introduction-mind-body-bridging-i-system
    SEPT – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing
    SMPT – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensorimotor_psychotherapy
    .
  6. or standard CBTs, like…
    REBT – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_therapy
    Schematherapy – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schema_Therapy
    Learned Optimism – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_optimism
    Standard CBT – https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Treatment/Psychotherapy & scroll down
    .
  7. Get two or more of those “down,” and one can use the skills therefrom in this way to combat delusional thinking and emotional reactivity very quickly:
    10 StEP – http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-10-steps-of-emotion-processing.html
    .
  8. If you/she/he needs a professional intervention to get through treatment resistance, I would use those search tools in item 2 above. Look for clinics that include intervention and treatment resistance services.
    .
  9. If you or your sz patient suddenly becomes manic: http://www.currentpsychiatry.com/specialty-focus/bipolar-disorders/article/what-to-do-when-your-depressed-patient-develops-mania/f3218a38f6603114ff2f9d9bfc21acfb.html?
    .
  10. Look into the RAISE Project at https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=raise%20program%20schizophrenia.
    .
  11. Look for mental illness clubhouses in your area (which can be hugely helpful… but may also pose risks). Dig through the many articles at https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=mental%20illness%20clubhouse%20model to locate and investigate them.

#14

People are very mean to me too. People don’t like me and are forever saying rude and evil things about me in front of my face or are making comments that are evil and mean that somehow put me down in some way. Or, they specifically ignore me altogether and shun me, all the while being so friendly to everyone immediately surrounding me. I kid you not! My pdoc says that I am such a nice person, and I agree with him. At least I try to be. It could be the sza, but, it sure as heck feels real.


#15

I am so sorry for changing the subject. I didn’t read the previous posts, obviously. Now, I have. My late son had sz also. He was 30 years old when he died. I don’t know how old your son is. But, it does not matter. That insensitive comment you heard must have hurt deeply. I probably would have gone ballistic, if it had been me. Cruel comments directed at me is one thing. Cruelty directed at my child is a whole different animal.


#16

I had a girl friend from a house in town. One day my Mom was visiting a neighbor to my girlfriend’s family. The neighbor freely offered horrid gossip and assassination of my girl friend’s character, My Mom said, “Well, she has great taste in boyfriends!”

Thanks, Mom.

J.


#17

Yes, the "fake friends’ are going to be out of my life unless they really want to talk and I’m sorry your mom had to go through it too.


#18

Hi ginalovea - My son is 38 and yes it did hurt, at the moment she said it I just froze and didn’t know what to say because I was somewhat in shock at her comments and then the subject was immediately changed. I’m going to really think about what I say to people in the future.


#19

Thank you here and there, most often I do say he is doing good and will continue to do so in the future. notmoses, thank you for the referrals to the books, I’m going to get them. Jayster - I like your positivity, your mom sounds like a wonderful women.


#20

Sorry that happened @Jayster :heart: