Here is the only digital picture I have of my brother Billy. It was taken while he was in hospice. He’s all cleaned up here and has been on Haldol for about a week. He passed away a week after this picture was taken. RIP Bill
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you and your family strength!!
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Thanks.
Even though he did awful things, even though he was a deranged psychopath, when I look at this picture I can only feel pity.
Remember, this was after being cleaned up for the first time in probably 10 years. And a doctor had been monitoring him and keeping him “well medicated” which I told them to do if they were going to be able to deal with him at all. When the ambulance brought him to ER (he had a heart attack) they had him in restraints for 18 hours until they could get enough Haldol in him.
This is NOT the Billy I had to deal with my whole life. The real Billy was more like a crazed baboon. I swear he destroyed everything he touched.
Six years later and I’m still in the game. I’m the older brother too. I worked so hard and he did nothing. He was cruel and broke both my parent’s hearts. I swear he took 15 years off my mother’s life; she died in her early sixties. She loved him as much as a mother could love her child.
Still I feel bad.
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I think a lot of us on this platform wish we could ease your suffering, but we get how hard that is. Even though you had to manage a lot of rage and hatred, you are still a feeling and caring human and sibling. All bets are off when it comes down to family.
I’m not religious, but sometimes I imagine an afterlife where people like Billy could finally be well and whole, and meet us as the people they could and should have been.
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It’s the most incredibly painful position to find ourselves in, we didn’t choose it, it was foisted upon us.Our families are destroyed in front of us, we are powerless and full of regret and deep, deep sorrow. It is not in our control. We must learn that we deserve to be in peace and we are allowed to be happy and to let go.
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I’m so sorry. This breaks my heart as I can relate and understand your pain. I’m sure anyone who is on this forum and reads your post and sees Billy’s picture can understand. The pain is plentiful, for the illness is consuming for the person and their caregivers. You are enduring the grief for what was and for what could have been. My son is 22 and rapidly began showing signs of schizophrenia at age 17. The loss of my “old” son has been so severe, replaced by an aggressive, violent, substance using, destructive person who is angry, manipulative and sad. In the afterlife, I believe I will one day see my son whole and healthy. No more tears, pain, or sadness. Sending you peace and hugs.
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