I’ve been reading posts here for a while now. It has been nice to know that there are other people who would truly understand my family’s situation. It can be so hard to understand what it’s like until it is your own loved one struggling.
Anyways. I see stories where sometimes after years or even decades of heartache and hard work a comparative sense of balance is found. Not perfect by any stretch but not the chaos it was before. And I have seen stories where people fully, 100 percent thought their loved one would never ever get to that point, only to eventually find a plan that ‘worked’.
Knowing all that…What if you absolutely can’t see a future that doesn’t end in tragedy? I still love my sibling so much and my heart breaks for them. This is as close as a person can get to Hell on Earth.
It’s a combination of the near decade of the same song and dance, the heavy illicit drug use, my sibling’s alarming stalker-ish obsession with a couple select family members, the refusal to talk to a professional or take medications for longer than a month at a time…its so vicious.
A few years ago they were taking their meds with some regularity and stayed sober for a few months. And there were glimmers of my goofy nerdy little sibling that we hadn’t seen in years, and their eyes were finally so bright and focused. But things are so much worse now than they were then.
I find myself drafting obituaries in my head lately, and trying to hold onto that memory of those bright eyes and goofy sense of humor. I am so afraid of fully accepting that tragedy will be inevitable. I think I read somewhere here that we are sometimes grieving the loss of the person we knew, even though they are technically still alive? It’s so complicated.
I’m new here so I don’t have any sage advice. But I’d like to repost an article that @Cat_nip posted on another thread. I think it speaks to what you (and I and probably everyone else here) are feeling. We are grieving what could have been; what “should” have been. I look around and see the happy little lives that those around me live and I get jealous that they have something that was so cruelly stripped away from us by this horrible disease. You miss your sibling; you miss the person they were and the person they had the potential to be. And maybe some day that goofy nerdy personality will shine through again. But in the meantime, it is completely normal and ok to grieve for what you have lost.
Thank you, I’ll be sure to read through that one. And I agree, I’ve had moments of frustration/anger/jealousy over the fact my sibling won’t ever be “normal”. And that their mannerisms associated with the disease will continue to alienate and strengthen the self destructive cycle. You know how it is I’m sure
My brother had a suicide attempt last month that was very, very close to being successful. No need to go into details. This led to 3 weeks in a psychiatric unit. Last week he was released to a transitional living facility. My family went to meet him for lunch this last weekend and it was the clearest and most lucid he had been in about a decade. He was present, fully sober, able to carry a conversation.
4 days later now and he is slicing his own neck, sending photos of it to his biological father & saying stuff like “this should be what I’m doing to you, where do you want to be buried”. Referring to the demon/entity he has seen for years by a proper name - which is a first. It has never had a name before. Saying that he is actually that very demon now. Saying he needs to take care of some people causing him problems. Looking to buy an AK-47. Idk he he is back on the hard drugs already again or if he quit his meds or if they never worked in the first place? We are working on reaching out to the proper sources, and if any of us knew exactly where he was I would put out a call for a wellness check. Danger to himself and others.
The time gap between him being OK and him being alarmingly off the deep end seems to get shorter and shorter after ever hospital stay. It’s all so much (but also so not surprising anymore) and sometimes I feel the words starting to spill over and I just want to shout at whoever will listen “my brother isn’t Ok!!”
But people have their own problems, ya know?
Another sibling here. My older brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia decades ago. I send you all my empathy for what it feels like to watch, helpless and sad, as your brother changes from “goofy” and “bright” as you put into someone hardly recognizable. The pain is deep. The frustration of not knowing how to fix it or him is through the roof, isn’t it?
I would like to address your comment about your writing his obit in your head. For parents with sons and daughters with mental illness, that must be a harsh and difficult comment to read, but I want to share with you that I did it over the years too, during times that were simply too hard for me to bear. It didn’t really mean I wanted my brother gone. Not at all. I just wanted the pain for all of us gone, and imagining his demise provided mental relief to get me through the latest incident. So I’m glad you found that technique. You are allowed the full range of emotions and can use any harmless technique you can come up with to help YOU. His mind, yes, is betraying him (until or if he gets on some meds or ages out of his severe symptoms) but YOURS can be your best friend as you cope.
My brother also had a big complex and battle going on in his mind with my father. It was over the top. He never acted on it, but it was scary to listen to. I hope your brother doesn’t act out either. Is there a chance your brother is “just talking?” If not, authorities need to be alerted. How is he now?
How are you?