Afraid to let go


#21

Thanks oldladyblue. sounds reasonable to me. Are we not loving when we want them to be independent? Wish we can support forever as parents if it is practicable. Still i hate to see her homeless on the street


#22

In my metro community, I cannot put my daughter knowingly on the street. Perhaps a man, but not a woman, especially a pretty one. There is too much human trafficking business here. I hate supporting an adult child at my age (I was planning on retiring this year), however, I would hate myself more if I didn’t help her the best I can. Yes, I think that loving your children includes helping them be independent. Each person must judge their own situation individually. I know that I cannot judge anyone else’s situation with their ill family member. I can only relate my experience. But, truth be told, my daughter would be better off IF we could find a way for her to be independent. It’s a big IF, mostly revolving around money.


#23

Thanks Oldladyblue. Our daughter is pretty and we love her very much!


#24

I think every situation is different, and we all try our best to work out the best situation for our family members. Whether they live with us, without us with support from us, independently, in a group home, or whatever, it is not for a lack of love.


#25

I too would love for my son to be able to live on his own and have a more normal life but there is no way he could handle it. At 23 he has been in a psychosis for the last 8 months causing 4 hospital admissions. Hoping and praying that he will become stable again so he can be more independent.Seems no medications are working well and his doctors have told me that he is chronic. He was functional up to this time and was able to work on his truck, fix computers, fix meals etc but this illness became full blown causing him to lose the ability to do anything


#26

Presently, my 23 y/o son is hospitalized and has been since the day after Christmas. This is the longest hospitalization to date. When not hospitalized, my son lives with me. He wants to be independent and live on his own. He seems to think it makes him a child to live with his parent.
He has attempted suicide several times and I’m afraid he would succeed at it if he did live alone. I know he would not take his medication, if he lived alone, either. He has no social life and would become even more depressed, I fear. His health is more important to me than his independence or mine.
Everyone is different though. Maybe these things are not issues for you.
I know if he had to manage the responsibilities of paying bills he would have no money and he would end up with bad credit because at this point he can’t remember things like that. He is also very impulsive when it comes to spending money. Maybe I’m not giving him enough credit.
I have often thought about converting my basement into an apartment for him, so that he can have his own place. That way I could see if he could handle the responsibilities without having to worry about him, This is not where I plan to remain at, I just don’t want the expense of doing it t this time. I have to be gone for two or three days at a time for work and feel he has enough time to have the place to himself. I usually come home to a lot of cleaning up.
I’m praying his illness will improve and they will find a cure. I will never give up hope. We have time and feel he is still too impulsive to live on his own.
You know your son better than anyone and perhaps if you are having second thoughts, he is not ready yet. I hope things work out for the best for you. We all want our children to live normal, happy, healthy, successful lives, independent of ours (but not excluding us).


#27

@ted - The sarcosine that I put in my son’s drinks seem to help me. I make two smoothies so he knows that I am drinking one to show him I am not poisoning him. I think it has helped me with mild depression.

I’ve been putting it in everything I can - natural soda drinks, opened oj and apple juice. I think I’ve gotten some in him as well.


#28

I think that is what it comes down to, we don’t want to hold them back from what they can do, but the illness presents in so many different ways we have to judge our family member’s possibilities the best we can.

We know that our son has a long history of only driving when he can drive. He also has a good driving record. If he didn’t, we would not support him driving. He has lived successfully on his own before - the problems seem to occur when he stays in one place too long. Delusions build up about a location over time.

When his doctor said “he could possibly be successful hiring himself out as a driver” we had a list of “ifs”

If he doesn’t try to drive more than a couple of hours per week or every other week, it could work.
If he doesn’t have the same rider over and over again, it could work.
If he doesn’t get himself in a financial situation where he needs to work more than a couple of hours a week, it could work.


#29

Hi, There are many ideas in here. I would suggest validating what he can and can not do - while at home. Have him make a grocery list, go shopping with you, make dinner , take the bus,etc. I managed my son’s SSI/SSDI money and started him in assisted living so that he could be regular on the meds. They gave him some freedom to take meds for the next scheduled time with him when he was away from the facility. That went well for about 3 yeats He then moved in with his sister and eventually into a group home where he cooked, did household chores, gave his own meds, started to work. I still manage his medical care and pay his bills. Start slow (you do the rest) and as he shows he is capable of more- let him try with you as the safety net. They like to be independent and hate it when we say they can’t. Have him show you and then transition to a more independent state. subsidized housing is a good thing to get on a list - that can take a while. Best of luck to you both!