Webster’ s dictionary has a word that is the cross between melancholy and dissatisfaction… Ennui. (änˈwē)
This is very uncharacteristic for me. I try to remain an optimist but I have fallen into a patch of ennui. (and I can’t get up)
My S.Z. sibling support group makes me feel 100% worse each time I go. I do realize that not all towns have this luxury, and I was lucky to have this resource in my life for as long as I have. But lately it’s degenerated into a pit of anger, hate and negativity. I have to quit attending the group and I will begin looking for a different one.
Or, if it’s not too corny or impossible, maybe I’ll try and find youth councilor and try and make a new one out of the few other members who weren’t so negative.
It’s not just people battling SZ who have a problem with maintaining insight. Angry teen-agers have no insight either. Some of the people in my group amaze me with the amount of resentment they hold about everything.
I know how traumatic it can be to have a sibling suffering with this and having their actions affect the family. I know how confusing it is, how scary it can be at times, how even some times you can feel like your neglected because you don’t have the same attention as your sibling who is ill. My parents didn’t always divvy out their time and resources equally. But they acknowledged this and tried to amend it when it happened. Even if NONE of my brothers had any of their problems…. There are 5 of us. It’s got to be hard.
I get very upset about these other siblings in my boat who just rage against their affected brother or sister for months and months on end, expecting the sibling who is ill to make ALL the changes and they shouldn’t have to do anything to help the situation. Why does that happen?
Why don’t they realize that they themselves could make an effort to learn what SZ is, or maybe try some patience? Now, I’m not saying that we siblings should excuse abusive behavior. But maybe we could help be part of the healing instead of inflicting hurt. I wish I could talk to siblings who actually like their family member.
Thank you for letting me rant this one off…… Alas ennui, this too shall pass. Yet it can’t pass soon enough.
P.s. Before my brother reads this and thinks I’m suffering trauma, I’m not. I’m still thankful he is in my life and I’m still grateful to be living with him.