I’m feeling down today. Whenever I’m at home all day with my son I start to feel this way. It is so hard for me to accept this. I hate to see him like this.
I’ve learned to find pleasure in the smallest little things most other people wouldn’t even notice, and it helps some.
It’s hard when they’re symptomatic though. I’ve had lots of days where just waking up was a depressing thought knowing I’d have to watch him be actively psychotic for another day.
I’m not religious, but I pass by a church most days that has an inspirational quote outside.
Today it was - worry will not relieve the sorrow of tomorrow, but it will sap the strength of today.
I have a problem of worrying too much and not enjoying the good moments, so today, I’m pondering that statement.
I also worry that if I don’t worry, I’ll go too far to the other extreme and not be prepared when something happens.
And, I have a superstitious kind of thing that if I have a moment where I’m truly happy, I’ll have a future moment where I’ll pay for it multiple times over in something really bad happening.
I’m thinking about how I can have some balance in my own emotions.
Balance is important. I noticed today while I was getting ready for work that my son, who talks to himself often, took a shower and got dressed, played basketball with his support caseworker and other people, prepared his own bowl of cereal and bagel, and took his daily walk around the neighborhood (which scares me a lot). After this observation today, I have to work on not worrying so much because it is negatively affecting me and when he really needs me to intervene, I will be too exhausted. When I go to my workout classes in the morning and get 8 hours of sleep, I feel more energized to face the day and reduces my stress level tremendously, even when my son is having a bad day.
I’m sorry you’re having a bad day today. We all have them especially early on. I stay busy cleaning or gardening when I can’t leave the house. Sometime we cook together and that breaks up the monotony. You’ll have a good day again and there does seem to be an eb and flow even with this illness. Find little things to be great full and try not to spend too much time on the cliff staring down. I used to give myself time in the morning to cry and grieve but even tonight there is a sadness lurking as I settle down for bed. God bless you and your son.
So sorry Believeing for your sadness. I alternate between sad and angry. My family tells me to get out more by myself, and when I do I feel guilt. This is something I’m working on because I’m not showing her what is social norm. Her meds and the illness make her reclusive most of the time, and I find myself doing everything for her…She is 30 and I’m 73…thankfully I look ad feel 56. But the stress is aging.
The sadness can be so overwhelming. Two years into his diagnoses I sometimes can t believe that this disease has happened to my innocent son. I feel sad and obsess about it most of the time, but have learned not to talk about it as much and realize it was the luck of the draw that he got this disease and nobody is to blame. I used to blame my divorce ,but then I rationalized that lots of families break up and the kids don t get sz. I wish my son would suddenly wake up and be cured and this would all be a bad dream. I guess that isn t going to happen so have been trying to treat him as kind as possible and not push him so much to get out and be social. I don’t know if I will ever totally accept this , but I am sure trying. Most days my son stays in his room and maybe goes out to run a quick errand with me. it seems lately like he wants to get back home sooner and sooner when we go out to stores and such. This support group has helped ALOT to know I am not alone in my preserverence for trying to keep him stable and content.
I know that feeling…
Thankyou mom2. I just don’t want to except that my son’s life consist of sitting on the couch all day. Somehow he thinks this is ok.
you are sad because your son is sitting on the couch all day. my Son has been suicidal and I am worry about him daily if he is going to stay alive. I have been trying to get him hospitalized and he is now Hospitalized and miles and miles away from me in a different state.
After hospitalization, he will be facing a charge in a County in California and will be in custody for several days until his court date then he will again to Hospital or Rehab and possibly appointed a Conservator. I have been in contact with a Deputy district Attorney and Court clerk to answer many of the questions about his unfortunate life.
but I am just happy he is alive today and you should be happy that your son is alive and living with you.
and it can take years of effort on our part to change the slightest thing with this illness
Yes, with this illness ,we parents take any good moments and appreciate them so much. Usually my son spends much of his day in his bedroom in bed watching tv or on his computer, but the last 2 days he has been little more active and I am so glad. Maybe tomorrow will be another in bed all day type of day, and I think that is what gives me so much anxiety, because I never know what to expect. It is certainly difficult to make plans with loved one with this type of illness. I got tickets to a baseball game for tomorrow for my son, my daughter and I, and they were expensive. I bought them a month ago, because we went to see this team play last summer and he enjoyed it. Now he keeps saying he isn’t sure if he wants to go. we have to travel about an hour and a half to get there and I think he might be nervous about being away from our house for so long. Well, we shall see tomorrow what happens.
Thanks CAAR2016. I pray things get better for you and your son.
Irene, was he able to go to the game?
Believing, I hope the same for you and your Son. Hope you see some improvement daily,
Well he woke up saying he didn’t want to go, then after some convincing he put on his Chicago Cubs shirt and we started out for the 1:20 game at Wrigley Field in Chicago. It is about an hour from our house. My daughter drove us there as she lives in Chicago , and my son and I planned to take the train home. We started out excited to see game and things went ok with my son for about 45 minutes, but he didn’t seem very into the game. I could feel his anxiety and by 5th inning he said he wasn’t feeling good. He said he had to leave by 7th inning and we all left. Then he didn’t want to go on train and said he was going to get home by uber. He was extremely agitated and he just started walking way. Very busy in city and I was afraid he would just get lost, he seemed so confused. Finally after following him we convinced him to get in uber to go to my daughters apt. he was very uncomfortable and angry in uber. Finally I convinced him to get on train to go home. He got calmer when we got on train. He later said he was sorry he couldn’t stay at game, and the voices were telling him to jump on train tracks and just end it all. That REALLY scared me. I told him we still had fun at game and we did stay 7 innings. It was so busy at the game that it really upped his anxiety.
I’m glad he went if only for a short while. He survived and grew in the process. Keep trying and God bless.
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I am very relieved to read all of the posts on this site.
I have all the emotions that are mentioned, especially the guilt about being happy/joyous for myself. I see him doing nothing all day and wonder, “Can’t he DO more?” But then I realize that my pushing him to exercise, take a class, play music or draw causes him stress. Something else he’s failed at.
My heart has been broken so many times!! Maybe I’ll find another one at a yard sale. LOL
It is a great relief to hear all your stories and advice.
Thanks Mom2, You are so right! We Moms love them sooo much.
Well we can t trade them in for a new improved model. lol Yes, I am learning to just back off with my lecturing and suggestions, Makes us both feel worse.