Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

He hurts my feelings every single day

My son is 21 they diagnosed about 3 years I cry for him everyday and every day he hurts my feelings. I don’t understand why he’s so mean to me. I’m the only one that would even help him this last go-round and the time before that the nothing but help him it’s hard not to get angry back at him sometimes

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Hey, sorry to hear that but i can so relate with that , my son just turned 23 and was diagnosed about 3 1/2 years ago , schizoaffective disorder , bullies me and if i say the word NO he can be so rude to me , im learning boundaries with him and it works , its so hard as i am the only one who does EVERYTHING for him and he disrespects me and can be very rude at times . I believe its their frustrations of the disease they have and they take it out on those who are the closest to them . Hang in there , you will learn him more and more and you will make changes the way you handle him . Boundaries are very important for you and him .

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Thank you for responding I have felt so alone this past year is father and brother and sister don’t believe he’s sick even I’m not sure it’s just too hard for them to accept hospitals several different doctors who diagnosed him.

Its been 3 1/2 years that im alone too , my husband (sons step dad) doesnt get it and thinks my son needs to man up and get on with it and deal with his paranoia and delusions alone . He gets passive aggressive with me even when my son visits me . It is insane and my heart breaks for my son whom was once so normal . He lives in an apartment 5 min from me so that way i can kind of keep an eye on him and not get the bullying and aggressiveness if he lives with us and also not get my husbands withdraw towards me . My Family are amazing but they live in another country . They help me financially with my son . I think if your husband sis and bro will go to NAMI meetings it may help them to understand . I go and it helps so much , my husband refuses to go . Have you been to Nami ?

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I did research on the internet and I located and I guess we had a local chapter here in the town I live in but it closed in the closest one is in baton rouge and that’s like or five hours away. Looking for support group is how I found this website I’m still trying to figure out how to maneuver around it but I think it would be so much better in person should meet other parents everybody’s so just heartbroken forever changed the course of my friends I’m not even sure he realizes it that you might think it’s going to go away I don’t know that’s why we fought today why he thought I wasn’t fighting I was trying to get them to hire a company and apply for social security benefits so he would at least have money every month in case he relapses look into schizophrenia which is very very common I guess meaning of down the street for like four years before he came to live with me looking out for his best interest

Oh and my kid’s dad is my ex-husband LOL so I don’t have to deal with them but it would be nice to have somebody suffering with me haha

@tamtam , I am happy that you found this forum, especially if there is no NAMI near you. The support you will find here is very very helpful. I was very lost when I found this forum and got a lot of support when I needed it.

My daughter was super mean to me for the first year of her illness, then her meanness switched to my husband (her step father).

I am one of those who has watched my loved one’s illness become managed successfully in large part because of what I learned here on this site. There are many caring helpful people who post to help others cope with psychosis when it is happening. You can spend hours reading past posts and learn things that will help you with your son, and will help you personally to do better yourself.

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Yes, im super relieved. The “professionals” haven’t been super helpful with my questions. They presume that i know Joey better than i do. I can’t determine if some o of his behaviors are symptoms of his disorder or if he is just bring lazy, mean, and entitled.
Have you guys been encouraged to have your loved ones file for disability??

Also I have met a total of two other people that had schizophrenia and both of those guys told terrible stories of their childhood and I kinda believed thembut then my son toldsome people some stuff about his childhood thats just not accurate. So I’m wondering if they have false memories.

@Tamtam per the false memories. It’s difficult to tell. Childhood trauma is associated more with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) but both Freudian and Jungian Psychologies theorize childhood trauma as a cause for SZ. Even though I went through Jungian Analysis, I don’t subscribe to this theory. False memories are more a phenomenon where through psychotherapy an analysand is prompted into creating a false memories, much like people who admit to crimes they didn’t commit.

What the people you have talked to more likely are doing are voicing delusions about trauma. They may have origins in real events, or they may be imagined, but they almost certainly are exaggerated or embellished. A personal hypothesis of mine is delusions of grandeur or abuse past or present serve to prop up or compensate for sagging self-esteem. With delusions of grandeur your mind creates achievements to make you believe you did great or amazing things, if only people would believe them. With delusions of abuse, they serve more as an excuse for lack of achievements.

In my journey I realized both of these are traps. My attitude toward delusions of grandeur in recovery was even if they weren’t true, they told me I was capable of doing great things if I worked hard enough, because I had the capacity to believe in myself. My attitude toward delusions of abuse was I could never know if they were true or not, but either way I needed to rise above any traumas, however disabling they were, rather than wallow in them or make them an excuse.

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Thanks for the information. I rather enjoy reading your comments. You’re very intelligent . Just so that I understand you are a patient? So you have schizophrenia? Are you are a caregiver? Hey maybe you’re both? You mention your brother’s a lot. I have five brothers myself. There’s so much I don’t know about my son’s disorder.
I don’t think he realizes how much I love having want to help him only. I have really good intentions. We have a communication issue.

I’m both. I’m a secondary caregiver for my brother who has bipolar disorder. I have SZA disorder, but have largely recovered. I sometimes have symptoms in radically different environments like overseas. The last time I’ve had symptoms was about three years ago. I come from an intelligent and high achieving family, but intelligence isn’t everything and isn’t always associated with good outcomes. My brother is likely the most intelligent of the bunch, but because of his illness has achieved the least. Sometimes it’s actually more difficult to treat or caregive for highly intelligent people, because they think they can outthink the illness and their delusions can be more elaborate and rococo.

haha i get it ! you will be ok once you educate yourself and read lots on Schizophrenia , every day i learn a little bit more . I feel stuck between my husband and my son , 2 stresses and its not easy !

yes, very important, took us two years and a great attorney, turned out very profitable for my daughter at $900 a month and free docs/meds, SSD and SSI

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This happens to me with my daughter every day. The first insult usually happens a few minutes after she wakes up in the morning. Our children lash out at us because we are safe. My daughter has so much frustration throughout her day. So much rejection. So much turmoil. I know how hard it is to keep herself in control. So when she is just with me at home, she feels safe to release her anger and frustration. Unfortunately for us. When she has calmed down enough, I tell her my feelings about how she has treated me. While she may not always apologize, she does sometimes. I think it is important for her to hear how her words and actions affect people. It may not change her behavior entirely, but it helps her to have some insight. But believe me, on some days, she will push the right button at the wrong time and I will react with anger and/or tears. I am also training myself to realize that the lash outs aren’t really about me.

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My son invested about 25 minutes total in the whole thing including missing two phone interviews with social security I’m trying to get him to hire a company that’s what we have a huge fight about I mean I didn’t find I just cried he fought. I was trying to make him understand that I just love them and I’m looking out for his best interest know that that’s going to be a good deal to do just in case you know. He just said that everybody else is proud of him for how good he’s doing and I’m still complaining and wanting to do more. I love him so much I wish he knew. Maybe he does know and doesn’t care. I get that feeling. Haven’t talked to him in a couple days now you told me to hit him up when I know he’s right it might be a while

Thank you for the good advice Katee. I want to give Joey characteristics that are not his own I want to think that he’s lashing out because he’s angry about his diagnosis and you know he hasn’t tried to learn anything about it he doesn’t want to talk about it I’m thinking maybe that’s not it all these questions about schizophrenics like are they all dick heads? LOL. I know he’s mad he has to be. Jesus man I’m mad.

I thought I was alone in this. There are times when my daughter is so hostile and unnecessarily rude and passive aggressive that I just grind my teeth and feel like being horrible to her too. Just so she can feel what it feels like, being on the receiving end of such hostility. Its hard reminding myself that “its the disease, not the person” I find myself saying “was she always like this, could this just be her true personality?” why do I put up with this? Its hard enough having to navigate the ups and downs of the medical visits, therapy, medications, the life adjustments, the disappointments, the shattered lives and devastation, but then we still have to put up with abuse on a daily basis as well. I refuse to let this send me to an early grave. I have a grand daughter. (yes my schizophrenic daughter recently gave birth) and I intend to live long and healthy, if only for her sake. Her little life is going to be hard enough as it is. I honestly sometimes feel like just running away. I look at tiny house living on the internet a lot. lol. My daydream is to just run away and go live in the mountains in a little tiny home, where no one knows me.

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I went thru years of this kind of behavior. I want to reassure you that you are not alone in this experience, and that it is legitimate to feel traumatized by it.

You WILL lose it sometimes. It doesn’t help, but it is a normal human response, and you must be able to forgive yourself. Then, when it seems possible, process it with your loved one, and honestly apologize.

I have over time become aware of just how sensitive my son is to my slightest change of mood. I have found it valuable to be aware of my own mood around him. Sometimes it feels fake, but it generally is worth it to keep a lid on my own mood around him. Again. We are human. It won’t always be possible.

As much as my son sometimes seems to want me to engage and escalate into confrontation, it is best not to do so. At some points I have had to consciously avoid even making eye contact as it seemed to increase his agitation. Without explaining why, sometimes I would set a timer to remind myself to keep my own mouth SHUT for maybe 10 minutes, and then reassess the situation after that. Those were times when my son was lost enough in his own head, he never even seemed to question why I was setting a timer.

There were long stretches of time during which I despaired and thought things would never improve, and that I couldn’t hang in there. But I did hang in there, and things did improve. I can now say honestly that I enjoy much of the time I spend with my son.

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Oh yes… @gillchan0101 can I join you, we can dream.

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Funny, it’s the same basic dream I had in my prodrome. I’m reminded of a quote from the philosopher Linus Van Pelt, “no problem is so big or so complicated that it can’t be run away from”.

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